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Archive for 12/16/2007 to 12/23/2007Excruciating Album Cover Art — Tijuana PicnicOnce you’ve listened to Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic, you’ll have a mysterious craving for it every other week. Based on the sound of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, this is fusion of fast food, Colonel Sanders’ questionable taste in beard styles, and a Dadaist aesthetic that is truly penguin. When I first saw this cover I was mesmerized by the tableau. A white Anglo-Saxon family has been kidnapped by Colonel Sanders and forced to eat his trademark fried chicken. [...] Source: The Skwib  This is a lie! submitted by frequent contributor Chris J.Wow...God really has nothing useful to say, does He?------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Chandler CarrikerReferencing a Bible verse about believing isn't really going to convince someone who doesn't believe yet.That would be like someone showing me some kid's letter to Santa Claus to prove that he exists.If someone believes (like I do), then it's by faith. Don't threaten people with Bible verses they already [...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Honolulu Holidazed… ‘TIS the season for finding all kinds of wonderful things in our mailbox, including the Happy Holiday Surprise we got from a certain AMOEBA currently Living the Good Life in The Aloha State. Okay, so maybe he’s working, which means he doesn’t get to sit around on the beach singin’ about the hukilau, but that’s beside the point. The point, which is hanging 10 on a surf board bedecked with puka shells, is that O’C — along with his lovely lady, the brillian[...] Source: Central Snark Bloggers Speak: Theresa from ‘The Rain in Spain’ Welcome to another edition of ‘Humor Bloggers Speak’ where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the blogs on humor-blogs.com. We are joined today by Theresa from ‘The Rain in Spain‘. Chris: Welcome to the feature Theresa. How are you doing? Theresa: Well, it’s not raining and I have toilet paper, so I can’t complain. C: What European country is the weirdest and why? T: I would have to say Belgium. I mean, it’s a place that can’t figure ou[...] Source: Angry Seafood Lynne Spears, Celebrity Mother of the Year Raising kids isn’t easy. There isn’t a book that covers everything, nor is there a course you can take. I don’t have any kids… well that I know of. There could be some kid with a head that is disproportionate to the rest of his body somewhere in Upstate NY that has an odd fascination with poop jokes and the word bukkake. Anyways, sometimes you screw up raising a kid and you just have to chalk it up to maybe not knowing what you are completely doing. Sure you do the best [...] Source: Pointless Banter Copious Comments - Guaranteed The following is a paid advertisement of Toboggans’ Industries. You’ve worked hard on your blog. You’ve found the best platform, selected the best template, picked out the best pictures of your cat. You’ve poured your heart out onto the page. , You deserve comments. And with Toboggans’ Industries CommentStone™ Digital Correspondence System, affordable quality comments can be yours. For the low, low price of $19.97 a week CommentStone™ will post interesting and val[...] Source: The Ominous Comma A date out of spite is still a date: Part 3 Confusion abound, as Ninja Vicki has now declared that she is now dating Mikka, much to Mikka’s suprise, and Samurai Cathy’s as well. “We’re going to dinner and a movie,” Ninja Vicki says to Mikka. “And then we’ll catch some coffee down at that new cafe, Beanal Failure. It’ll be fun. We’ll have a great time. Let’s go.” “Oh, no no no,” says Mikka, pulling his arm away from Ninja Vicki’s grasp. “I’v[...] Source: Renal Failure My Beige Morning [Update: This was originally entitled "My Plaid Morning" but my blogger pal Dumdad made me realize that I really meant beige not plaid. Doh! I feel so plaid right now. Or is it beige? Oh geez, I can't even think straight ... so maybe it's plaid.]Most mornings, after I park my car in the company's parking lot, I'm able to walk to my office alone, clearing my head of all annoying thoughts in preparation for another potentially stressful day. I let my mind become quiet, admiring the birds flying ov[...] Source: Dan's Blah Blah Blog Santa Should Be Spanked! If you are a masochist and the S&M clubs in your area haven't yet opened for the day, go to a shopping mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas.Don't get me wrong. Malls are wonderful! Malls are where all those people who love malls go. And if all of those people are in one confined place for the day, they're off the streets and we don't have to deal with them. And that's a good thing.I think of malls as the adult equivalent of those "ball" rooms at Burger King, those areas filled with plasti[...] Source: Dan's Blah Blah Blog Holy Captions, Batman! Once again, my commenters have proven themselves to be the wittiest bunch of fawning sycophants on the web. Competition was fierce (particularly in the scatological and what's-he-doing- with-his-hands categories), but after much deliberation the captions were narrowed down to these:No, I'm afraid the suit is not properly outfitted for rounds of "pocket pool", Mr. Diesel. - Midleah "Is there an opening for my...um...guano?" - Brad"He doesn't even HAVE any superpowers -- crap, he's behind me righ[...] In Sheep's Clothing Idaho is a land of extremes and nowhere is that more apparent than in its wildlife management. On the one hand, there are those who think that hunting, killing, and eating deer, elk, moose, bear, etc., is a natural and spiritual part of the great circle of life. On the other side are those, like me, who want to enjoy the hunting and killing too, but never seem to be in the same quarter of the state at the same time as anything that could remotely be called "prey". This type of hunter (as opposed[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Why I'm A Crappy Friend There are two kinds of friends, in life. I have a large network of friends, and they all fall into two categories. There are the friends that are great for a laugh and a coffee date, once in a while. They make me smile and are fun to talk with. We usually have the same interests, raising snot nosed children and sharing funny husband stories. I enjoy emailing them and getting occasional phone calls. I hold these friends dear because they provide me with the stress relief I badly need, and I try t[...] Source: Seven Seeds Dear Crummy Coupons: So, exactly what the hell can I use you for, anyhow?!? I double-freaking-dare you to put more fine print and exceptions on your coupon. It can’t be done, can it?!? As if my holiday time isn’t stressful enough right now! On top of attending 15 different Christmas parties, bringing snacks to all manner of school and work functions, finding white elephant gifts, seeing strange people that are related to me for the first time in a year, finding grey elephant gifts (don’t ask&#[...] Source: Central Snark Professor Quippy: Green beer? And not the horrible dye-in-your-substandard-lager kind of green either. Pursuit Dynamics of Huntingdon has a new technology which takes the wort boil to eleven. The wort boil is not a demented Biblical plague (seriously, warts on your boils!), but the stage of brewing when “hops are added to liquid containing malted cereal grains.” Normally it takes a lot of energy, but the new technology uses “supersonic steam” to cut energy consumption by 40 percent. It also reduces [...] Source: The Skwib A date out of spite is still a date: Part 2 “That’s her!” says Mikka, seeing the purple lotus in Samurai Cathy’s hair. “Is my hair all right?” “Yeah… it’s fine,” I say, a sense of dread creeping over me. “Hey Cathy!” Mikka says, waving to his date. Samurai Cathy’s eyes meet Mikka’s, then drift over to catch Ninja Vicki’s hateful glower. I begin to contemplate jumping through the window to escape the possible carnage. “What the blue screamin[...] Source: Renal Failure The Seafood is Restless Today, while my body is out shopping for some more ideas, my brain is over at Angry Seafood being interviewed for the "Humor Bloggers Speak" feature. Either that or I'm in two places at once, just take your pick. Anyway, for a laugh go check it out, and when you're done read some of the previous interviews...you won't be disappointed. I'm now in the company of some very smart assed talented bloggers, such as Diesel from Mattress Police, Howard from The Web Pen Blog, Polly from Pollywog's Pond[...] Source: The Rain in Spain... The Second Pet Of Christmas Nothing says 'Christmas At Our House' quite like the arrival of the Angry Christmas Squirrel.See more animals over at humor-blogs.com[...] Yep, I'm A Multitasker! According to today's poll, everyone wanted to see me drink myself into a coma before Wednesday rolls around. Although that is how I used to deal with stress, pre-baby days, it is no longer a great idea. I do have to get up with all of them the next morning. So, while I did indulge in a glass of wine as we finished making cookies, I tried to take it easy. However, the poll did show me one very important thing. The fact that my readers are bad influences!!I did a lot of relaxing today. Then, when [...] Source: Seven Seeds Apparently, everyone wanted to see me drink myself into a coma before Wednesday rolls around. Although that is how I used to deal with stress, pre-baby days, it is no longer a great idea. I learned that after I had Trenton, and went out for a ladies night when he was only two months old. I got so drunk, that I couldn't even lift my arm up to give him the pacifier. That was the last time that I allowed myself to get so inebriated that it hurt my ability to be a fully functioning mommy. I try to k[...] Source: Seven Seeds Three Blind Mice Once again, the so-called lunatic ravings of a supposedly unhinged guy from Idaho, (That would be me.) have bore the bitter fruit of veracity. (I don't know if that makes any sense at all, so let's just move on.)Just when 'glow in the dark' cats begin to illuminate the danger of sex-mad Korean scientists run amok; (see "take a Dweeb to Dinner") we are presented with fresh evidence that other researchers, in their insane quest for more funding (and cute administrative staff with large American b[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Take Note Dear Self, This is just a little note to remind you of the dangers of self inflicting organized Christmas chaos. If you are reading this, it means that you have survived another year of butt wiping, chauffeuring, snotty attitudes, breaking up fights, and life in general...so congrats! I am sitting here, in what is now the past, wincing at the thought of what is to commence in just two days. Had I been smarter about not shoving so much crap into the holiday season, I'd probably be doing some rela[...] Source: Seven Seeds Sock Drawer Submitted for your approval, some random items from the disorganized sock drawer that is my brain....-------------------I don't understand why people are freaking out about a little lead in toys. When I was a kid, I used to play with little paintable Dungeons & Dragons figurines. You know what those things were made of? Lead. That's right, the toy company would just pour a little glob of molten lead into a mold shaped like an elf princess and call it a toy. You're worried about a little [...] Two More Days Today is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday. I know what you're thinking, "You had better be going somewhere with these extremely obvious statements." Hang tight, I'm getting there. These two days are the only ones I have left before total holiday mayhem rears its stress inducing head. Here's this weeks schedule:Wednesday is Daniel's class cookie decorating party, and house cleaning day.Thursday brings with it, four different class parties to which I am bringing:-A giant turkey (I cheated and bought a [...] Source: Seven Seeds Wheel of Misfortune submitted by Katherine TrexlerAnd with only four blanks, apparently there's no Christmas this year.----------------------------------------------------submitted by Katherine TrexlerFor an extra charge, they can line your relatives up along the driving course so you can get visiting with them out of the way, too.-------------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Brad AKA WombatI can't imagine how it's "alredy" done. The box said 25 minutes at 450° .Brad says they mana[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Being Forced to Change As human beings we are pretty slow to change things in our lives unless we are forced to do it. A lifelong smoker might not quit until he has a massive heart attack and his doctor tells him to. Or the male whore might not stop sleeping with random women until he gets a case of the clap. Whatever it is usually we don’t make changes in our lives unless we are forced to or if we go through something traumatic. In my early twenties I was living in a house with two of my friends, at the time I [...] Source: Pointless Banter Being Forced to Change As human beings we are pretty slow to change things in our lives unless we are forced to do it. A lifelong smoker might not quit until he has a massive heart attack and his doctor tells him to. Or the male whore might not stop sleeping with random women until he gets a case of the clap. Whatever it is usually we don’t make changes in our lives unless we are forced to or if we go through something traumatic. In my early twenties I was living in a house with two of my friends, at the time I [...] Source: Pointless Banter Ask General Kang: My god, a foot of snow! Is this the start of a new ice age? First of all, calm your hairless hominid ass down! It’s snow, not nuclear fallout. If you had a foot of nuclear fallout then you might need to get worried — perhaps get your best Orangu-techs working on some kind of fallout suit that you can wear to ride out the ensuing mass extinction on your planet. Instead, you will probably have to do some shoveling. Perhaps throw a little salt on your front steps. It’s cold. And high! Call the Armed Forces for help! Are you from Toronto? Next time[...] Source: The Skwib Hardrock, Coco, and… Joe? WE know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “what crazy, lame-ass, and/or opposite kind of music-related video will I be subjected to after spending the entire weekend enjoying the delightful DJ LAMPSHA’S fabulous spin, which featured the sweet and oh-so-catchy musical stylings of DAN WILSON?” Are we right, or are we right? We’re right. We know we’re right. You know we’re right. Hell, the American People know we’re right. And, far be it fro[...] Source: Central Snark Caption Contest - Rock The Vote For A Louder Democracy We’ve had lots of good responses to the Carping Diem caption contest. We’ve also had some responses by Lynn. I was going to have Mrs. Diesel narrow down the finalists but it seems that she is under exclusive contract to MattressPolice.com. Fortunately for me, the multi-tasking, multi-talented, multi-lingual Hot Comma Momma stopped by to watch me work my magic, and graciously volunteered to pick out a half dozen healthy specimens which you can find immediately below this sentence: Wolf ’s captio[...] Source: The Ominous Comma A date out of spite is still a date Mikka has a date tonight. Yes, you read that right. Mikka has a date tonight, and he’s meeting her at our local bar, The Bass-to-Bass. He’s wearing his finest Finnish blue sweater and turtleneck for this occasion, as well as a purple lotus pinned to his chest. “So, how did you meet?” I ask. “Online,” says Mikka. “I finally found a dating site that would let me in, called e-Desperation.” Mikka was one of the many people who wasn’t allowed o[...] Source: Renal Failure Idea Shopping For those of you who think Spain is all sun and beaches, you're wrong. It is cold here in Pamplona and here are the pictures to prove it. The first is the window guard in Ro and Vio's room, and the second is of the glass wall of the bus stop at around 11 in the morning. That's frost people...yes, we have frost in sunny Spain. We're down to -8C in the shed in our backyard, which means the cat refuses to go out and spends all day knocking the Christmas tree over. We haven't even finished decora[...] Source: The Rain in Spain... Male Enhancement Part Two- The Tadpole Speaks Tadpole (AKA Mrs. Frogster) here. I understand there are inquiring minds who are curious to hear from me about how much magic The Frogster’s “Male Enhancer” has been working. I was skeptical at first – sure that the product was a hoax. Then the other day, I was walking through the living room and there was my Frogster, with the remote control in one hand and a beverage in the other. Oblivious to my presence, he farted and belched five times each before I made it from one end of the room t[...] Source: The Frog Bog I Bring You Good Tidings! Nothing comical to report this morning. But I do have some news. My daughter, Marlie, has just started her own blog! Marlie, all of 9 years of age, is also an aspiring writer. I thought that it might be good practice for her to journal on a blog. She really wanted her blog to be a source of help for other big sisters and brothers who struggle with the frustrations and challenges that come with being the oldest sibling. She is allowed to write about whatever comes to mind. My only intercession is[...] Source: Seven Seeds Our review is in! Renal Failure’s review over on Humor-Blogs.com’s review site is up, and we did pretty good for a blog full of wild fabrications and outright lies. We pulled in a score of a 66, which is awesome considering the highest scoring blog over there has a 69. Ninja Vicki will not be visiting anyone’s house in the night, except maybe the four or so blogs who have a higher score than we do. The knocks on Renal Failure were for our rather plain design (not much variety with the free Word[...] Source: Renal Failure |
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