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Archive for 12/30/2007 to 1/6/2008Damn You, Scullery Wench!This is the pirate wench I speak of. Well, she's not really a pirate, nor a wench but she's driving me up a freakin' wall, that's for sure. This is Layla, the main character (MC) from my Coney Island story. See? I wasn't lying in my aside when I said I couldn't draw to save my life. Well, it's not atrocious but it's certainly not a masterpiece. And yes, I speak of her as if she were a real person. If you're a writer, you understand me completely. If you're not then you probably see me as[...] Source: Finding Boddie  Skating Away on the Thin Ice of A new Day Yesterday was a balmy 40 degrees (That's in real American temperatures, not C.) in north-west-central Idaho. Since we started out yesterday morning with a couple of feet of show, that meant that by this morning, after the temperature finally dropped back down to a seasonal 25-ish, we were left with about 3 inches of ice. My driveway now only needs a Zamboni to be a world class speed course. None of this would be any problem except that about the time we started to freeze up, we also got a 30 mil[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... SATURDAY SPIN This is not the first time (and I suspect not the last) I’ve updated a post and the saving of it took forever…and then didn’t take. Grrrrr. Damn this overthinking or more accurately, distractibility. I have a bunch of possible spins in a folder, and a few others up my sleeve. Then I cast a net and start thinking about who to spin. Of course, one listen leads to the next and the group they used to be with and who they produced. I wish that I could just do a live spin here all [...] Source: Central Snark PSA# 5478 Hacking vs Coughing. -Day 5 in my quest to not bore your lives with my everyday "musings". Musings... HA! More like mumblings! My dogs keep asking me when I'll give up, they mock me and call me names. One of their favorites is "Woofbarkwoofwoof!!" I don't know what that means but I know they're being jerky!- .Bad news.I am now coming down with a cold. I know what you're gonna say "What? I don't think I can take your complaining anymore!" Well, you know what I'm gonna tell you, click Humor-Blogs on your way out.Anywa[...] Source: Bee's Musings Frogster on Sports (Because “Frogster on Tuna” Would Give You the Wrong Idea) Chris (AKA Tuna) from Angry Seafood and I have been talking about the NFL playoffs, because, well, who hasn’t? He asked if I would like to do a cross-post sort of thing where we go head to head. I said okay but two days ago I discovered a serious computer problem (Sony’s evil, subversive and illegal copy protection software) and attempted to remove it but only got halfway. So the evil software would try to fire up, decide it couldn’t, and not let me do anything else with the[...] Source: The Frog Bog Rickey Recommends This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment ofRICKEY RECOMMENDSIo9. Normally, we don’t recommend other websites because honestly, we’d rather not hav[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Caption Contest Winners This week wyo once again trounced the competition with a caption that perfectly fit the dumb guy look on my face while simultaneously poking fun at Johnny Depp's history of collaboration with Tim Burton.Congratulations, wyo! You may display this customized 2-Time In Your Face Award that I stole from another multiple winner, Crummy Joel. As always, the winner may also post the picture with their winning caption on their own site (you can link directly from my site if you want; Lord knows that I'[...] America! Lighten Up! "How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? About 500, if you don't count the Police State you'll need to enforce it.""The Can-Do American Spirit!"In yet another example of why there should be some kind of intelligence test before anyone can assume a public office (or maybe even vote) the President yesterday signed into law a sweeping new energy bill. The Energy Legislation was delivered from Congress ( Roget's New Millennium Thesaurus: Congress [n. kong-gris], synonym: fornication[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Why You Should Never, Ever Order A Pizza With "Everything" On It I admire small business owners immensely and I understand that it takes a great deal of strategic marketing to set yourself apart from the pack. I would venture to say that pizza places are as plentiful as the stubbly hairs on my chin and that an owner's biggest obstacle lay in establishing a niche and appealing to a wider variety of consumers than the next pizzeria down the street.That being said, I think Paul's Pizza Shop may be going about the "setting ourselves apart" ideal in entirely the w[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel In The Hot Seat And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... An Interview With Myself.Many people ask me questions like, "Did you choose to have so many kids?" and "Are you nuts?"I've decided, in the best interest of time, to answer those questions here, in a mock interview. I will ask the questions and also answer them. This works out pretty well because I don't have to be fearful of any surprise questions that I'm not prepared to answer, and end up making me look like an idiot. Actually, I'll probably e[...] Source: Seven Seeds Performancing Awards 2007 Reader’s Choice Polling Has Begun Performancing has posted their 2007 Blog Awards Finalists. Of most interest to Humor Blogging, is the category for Funniest Blog. I’m always interested to know what kind of taste in humor other people have. I’m fully aware of what my own sense of humor finds funny, but one of the things I am exploring here is what makes things funny, and why. As a result, awards for being funny interest me. The finalists for Funniest Blog (use this link to vote this category) are: Violent Acres [...] Source: Humor Blogging Can’t sleep, clown will eat me Do you suffer from coulrophobia? Are you haunted by images of that clown at your sixth birthday party — you know, the one where the clown turned balloon art into something that made your mother scream and your father inexplicably start wailing on him? Well, you’re right to be afraid. Deep down, everybody knows that clowns are filled with a barely caged animal rage. Oh sure, it’s all dressed up in the capering, car-stuffing, and pie-flinging. But don’t be fooled by t[...] Source: The Skwib I Think Anyone Can Become a Model There are two ways that I can approach this story, I can use this as evidence that women are completely insane or I can use this as evidence that you can truly shine shit. Kemari Fulbright a law school student and former model was recently arrested in Arizona on charges of kidnapping, armed robbery, aggravated robbery and two counts of aggravated assault. From the yahoo article: Fulbright is accused of holding and torturing her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend in early December with the help of three ot[...] Source: Pointless Banter where the boys are…apparently Happy New Year!! I’ve decided to make 2008 the year of me. Why is this different then any other year? It’s not, I’m just mentioning this because this is post today is all about me. (Shocking, I know. And no mention of sex toys anywhere!) I’ve decided that 2008 is also the year to end my singledom. Why is this different then any other year? It’s not. Will the year end differently than the others before now? Stranger things have happened. An example? Well I can’[...] Source: Central Snark Our middle names are not “the” Tina the Lesbian’s sister is coming to town for a quick lunch. “So is she a lesbian too?” I ask. “No, Jennifer is married with two kids,” says Tina the Lesbian. “So she would be known as Jennifer the Straight,” I say. “I guess she would,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Does Jennifer the Straight have any problems with you being a lesbian?” I ask. “No, she’s fine with it,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Her kids don̵[...] Source: Renal Failure Say No To FM A general rule that has served me well over the years is that anything capable of smiling probably doesn’t belong on the menu. It is precisely this principle that has led me to remove from my diet former staples such as laughing pork, grinning corn, and all manner of slyly smirking desserts. Now I will be the first to admit that I don’t know what the Recommended Daily Allowance of human child is, but I am guessing that it is quite low. In fact, I’m fairly sure there is no room in any of the USD[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Say No To FM A general rule that has served me well over the years is that anything capable of smiling probably doesn’t belong on the menu. It is precisely this principle that has led me to remove from my diet former staples such as laughing pork, grinning corn, and all manner of slyly smirking desserts. Now I will be the first to admit that I don’t know what the Recommended Daily Allowance of human child is, but I am guessing that it is quite low. In fact, I’m fairly sure there is no room in any of the USD[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Screwed By Screw Magazine I know it's hard to read the print on this press release. It's probably just as well.Al Goldstein wanted a female comic who was not easily offended, owned stilettos and mini-skirts and who could emcee three nights of hardcore shows at The Limelight in New York City. Most female comics back then wore no makeup and talked about getting married and having babies. I, on the other hand, thought makeup was one of the four food groups and had worked with so many male comics over the years that I could[...] What's Up Just a quick post to let you know what's going on around here lately. Several of you have asked, "WTF is up with the comment thingy?"To which I respond, "Well, can you be more specific? There are a lot of things up with the 'comment thingy', as you so eloquently put it. And watch your F---ing language.""Ok, first of all," you go on, "Why am I a weird little robot guy?"And I respond, "Funny, all the weird little robot guys seem to ask that question eventually." And then I laugh and laugh.Then [...] The Last Day of Christmas, I Promise Well, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get over the lingering effects of the Holiday spirit. I've tried Claritin; no go. A festive evening of Tanquery and Tonic caused me to temporarily misplace it, but there it was in the morning, curled up next to me on the pillow, smelling strongly of frankincense, myrrh, and gin - the little Dickens. So, following the old adage, "feed a feeling of peace on earth and goodwill to men, starve a cold", I'm going to take this opportunity to spread t[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Carnival of Satire (#91) Welcome to the first Carnival of Satire for 2008, the Light-Year of the Alien. Basically, the blogosphere is like Manhattan in the Men in Black movies. Sure, we pretend that we’re normal people, but bloggers everywhere are freaks, exhibitionists, and certainly extraterrestrial in nature. Sometimes, we’re even satirical. Daniel Brenton blows the lid off Operation Majestic Twelve in the second episode of The Round Files: The George W. Bush MJ-12 Briefing David Mills makes good [...] Source: The Skwib My 2008 Predictions Like the supergroup Chicago once sang, what kind of man would I be if I did not offer some of my predictions for 2008? Unlike the lead singer, I won’t play Russian roulette with my insight into what I think will go down in the next twelve months. Of course everyone wants to know who I think will be the two finalists for the beauty pageant known as the Presidential campaign. In due time my friends, in due time. ~ Next year, instead of the ball dropping in New York, it will be Dick Clark. Giv[...] Donations of Letters Are Extremely Appreciated all signs/post title submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownIf we put the three of them together, do you think we could come up with one coherent message?Nah, probably not...----------------------------------------------"By Him God knowledge & actions are weighed"seen here on Flickr by frequent contributor Ironic CatholicGod tried to weigh this person's knowledge of grammar and sentence construction, but some things are too hard even for Him.--------------------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Random Thoughts While Traveling -I have more personal electronics on me that a 12 year old Asian kid. It is pretty sad. -When I was waiting for my return flight home I was the only white guy in the waiting area, everyone else was Asian, for the first time in my entire life I could honestly say I had the biggest penis in the room. Wow two Asian jokes right off the bat… wtf? -Why do people feel that their personal problem outweighs an entire line? When I was in line to check my bags and get my boarding pass there was a wo[...] Source: Pointless Banter Resolutions in Fur! No, it’s not an interview with Liza Minelli. I am back in Iceland and totally forgot it was Wednesday yesterday and as such my time to post something. Not to worry, I know the Google button like the back of my hand…whoops, where did this scar come from? Since it seems to be the popular thing this year to defy any resolution making, I resolved to make a list of 20. But why leave it at that? Here for your convenience is the top 12 list of what our beloved pets might try to aspire to ([...] Source: Central Snark Second Date: Part 2 “I was wondering how long you were going to stay up there,” Samurai Cathy says, greeting her unwelcome guest. “All right, Catherine, enough’s enough,” Ninja Vicki says, jumping down into Mikka’s empty chair. “How far are you going to take this?” “Why can’t you just accept the fact that I like Mikka?” says Samurai Cathy. “Because no one likes Mikka like that,” says Ninja Vicki. “He’s socially awkward, he d[...] Source: Renal Failure Dorky household tips: The Christmas Tree Pity the poor Christmas tree. It spends its early years minding its own business and doing what it does best -- sitting there and attracting bugs -- only to have some foul-smelling biped chop it down at the ankles, tie it to the roof of a moving vehicle, prop it up in a room filled with products made from its cousins, strangle it with fire hazards and itchy garland and tiny plastic mice that attract various domesticated animals and young bipeds, constantly forget to give it water, open gifts in [...] Source: Dorky Dad Guns Don't Kill People......But They Do Make Them Fat! I'm a terrible mother. I left my precious children unsupervised on Christmas Day while I went to take a nap; forgetting all about the gun I left out unlocked and unsecured on the kitchen counter.I awoke to piercing screams and went rushing into the kitchen to find this most disturbing sight.....my kids had gone all Cookie Thug on me and baked up a batch of buttery Christmas tree-shaped Spritz delights completely on their own and were jumping around whooping it up with excitement as the first tra[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Mission Accomplished, Or The Fearless Frog Rides Into The Sunset With A Full Savings Account Don’t try this at home, folks- I’m an expert. My final tally for ESPN’s “Pigskin’ Pick’em” (their weekly NFL choose the winner game)- 179 correct picks. The final season tally for ESPN’s “Expert” NFL Analysts: Seth Wickersham- 18 less than me. Sean Salisbury- 18 less than me. Mike Golic- 30 less than me. Ron Jaworski- 13 less than me. Merril Hoge- 12 less than me. Chris Mortensen- 15 less than me. Mark Schlereth- 8 less than me. Eri[...] Source: The Frog Bog Things on Trees. I always look at tree ornaments. I don't know why. Probably because I have so many different weird ornaments on my own Christmas tree that I like to see if anyone else has stuff like mine. You might remember Just Jack, the ornament I received from Yort last year. That thing freaked me right the hell out.So long story short, I got looking at our friend's tree at a little house party they hosted on New Year's Eve. They all know I have a blog, so when I started not-so-surreptitiously snapping photo[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Son Of A Bitch! Aha! Bet that title caught your attention! Yeah, well, I've been tagged with another meme, me-me, meam, whatever the hell the thing is. This time it's an archive meme where it's five things about me in blog form. Thank the big dudes that I only have 2 months of posts to sludge through in order to find ones that are fitting to the topics at hand. Gah! I can't wait to pass this curse off to others to share in my pain. If it weren't for my OCD and compulsive need to blog on, I probably would[...] Source: Finding Boddie Excruciating Album Cover Art — Satan Is Real The Louvin Brothers are best known as the brotherly Bible-thumpers who made close harmony acceptable. Prior to the creation of their breakthrough sound (think Everly Brothers with Grand Ole Opry-style gospel music), close harmony singers were routinely burned at the stake for “unnatural” love. Once they overcame this (terrible) stereotype, they became quite popular, joining the Grand Ole Opry in 1955. Ira Louvin was the charismatic one, and he was known for falling into “fi[...] Source: The Skwib The Dance of the Ten Problems Wow, where does the time go? According to Steve Miller, it keeps slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future, but then he also spoke of the pompitous of love, so that tells you how much he knows.2008. What is up with that? When I was growing up, it was kind of assumed that time would never progress beyond 1999. That's why we made everything out of styrofoam and dumped our motor oil behind the garage. In science fiction movies and pop songs, 1999 was the cutoff for a mythical future that woul[...] Teh Penguin A post in which we mock ourselves mercilessly for failing to notice that TEH PENGUIN has yet to return to the “Snarky Fold”, and then rail against the “forces of evilishness” responsible for undoing our best laid plans to get our nails done attend to a few pieces of Very Important Business… Even as we work at a feverish pace to win back our Icelandic friend and/or maintain our impressive new and improved “stats” on Humor-blogs.com. DEAR Feather-brained M[...] Source: Central Snark Real Men Catalogs Happy New Year!Certainly hope no one was seriously incapacitated on Monday. As usual, my family welcomed in the New Year by a Bacchanalian binge of sleep. I'm the only night owl, so when 11:59 PM rolled around I grabbed my party favors (noisy parts previously removed by my wife) and silently twirled and noiselessly tooted in the New Year. I'm sure this would have looked pathetic, but of course no one knows how lame my celebrations are. And since I'm aware of how large my readership is, my [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... New Year Crumminess! submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyThen don't think about it.Can any Bible scholars give us a clue as to what they're talking about? Is this clumsily referencing the parable of Lazarus and the rich man? It's the only thing I can think of.By the way, I'm guessing the average car passing by can successfully read up to "should" before they speed on past.---------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyAnd there's no horses. Or music. Or[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Guns Don't Kill People......But They Do Make Them Fat! I'm a terrible mother. I left my precious children unsupervised on Christmas Day while I went to take a nap; forgetting all about the gun I left out unlocked and unsecured on the kitchen counter.The piercing screams awakened me and I went rushing into the kitchen to find this most disturbing sight.....my kids had gone all Cookie Thug on me and baked up a batch of buttery Christmas tree-shaped Spritz delights all on their own.They think they iz some bad ash bakers now breakin it down all independ[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Children, Airplanes, and Annoying Me I should have known that I was going to be in for a stressful flight. When I got on the shuttle bus from long term parking to the terminal “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC was playing on the radio. The last time someone was transported to or from an airport with that playing was John McClain in the first “Die Hard”. Basically I had to brace myself to fight terrorists and come up with some pithy dialog, something I was more than willing to do. On the first leg of my flight to Atlanta, or the ATL [...] Source: Pointless Banter Second date: Part 1 Mikka and Samurai Cathy are having their second date at T.G. Isengard’s. It’s a chain restaurant with a Lord of the Rings theme to it, and it’s one of the few halfway decent eating establishments that will allow Samurai Cathy to keep her sword with her at the table. Also, the prices are very reasonable, which was good for Mikka because he doesn’t make much money at the wonton soup factory. Mikka was also pleasantly surprised that Samurai Cathy wouldn’t let him pa[...] Source: Renal Failure Confessions Of A Highly Gifted Author This is it. The first post of a new year. At this auspicious juncture, many writers would take the opportunity to look back over the recently expired year and reflect on personal accomplishments, world events, or even sizable bowel movements. But many writers don’t run this site. Although several have been known to gaze with desire upon its fearsome might, none have succeeded in wresting the reigns of powers from my adjective-infused grasp.* So as the controlling interest of this publication, I [...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Pet Contest Winners Out of 23 entries, I picked the final 10 for different reasons, none of which I'm going to reveal because I started getting entries back in October and now I've forgotten the reasons. Click on the label at the bottom of this post to see all the pictures again.And the winner is:Sidebar: The day the Academy Awards changed 'And The Winner Is' to 'And the Oscar Goes to' was the day I wanted to ram an angry squirrel up someone's ass. I'm not an egalitarian blog. There are WINNERS.First Place: The She[...] The Pet Contest Winners Out of 23 entries, I picked the final 10 for different reasons, none of which I'm going to reveal because I started getting entries back in October and now I've forgotten the reasons. Click on the label at the bottom of this post to see all the pictures again.And the winner is:Sidebar: The day the Academy Awards changed 'And The Winner Is' to 'And the Oscar Goes to' was the day I wanted to ram an angry squirrel up someone's ass. I'm not an egalitarian blog. There are WINNERS.First Place: The She[...] Dare to be Stupid: Weird Al and Devo Dissected I recently rediscovered the Dare to Be Stupid video by Weird Al Yankovic. I remember it from back in the day when it was new, but then it faded from my memory for many years, until the magic of the internet brought it back to life. When the band sticks the ice cream cones to their heads, it’s just classic. One of my favorite lines is “You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wipple’s not around.” This is great for those of us that remember the “[...] Source: Humor Blogging Vote and Stuff! Sorry I never got around to posting yesterday; I was a bit under the weather. Or maybe it was the half bottle of Southern Comfort. Anyway, I was under something.So Happy New Year and stuff. You'll be relieved to know that Huey Lewis has been declared an underappreciated genius by a ratio of 2 to 1. The Huey-haters never had a chance, although I did catch Grundir scheming behind my back with elasticwaistbandlady to skew the vote in their favor. It seems that Nazgul are not, after all, big fa[...] Call me Nostradorkus: fearless predictions for 2008 As a well-known seer, I just can't help but predict the future. Unfortunately, based on my performance from last year, my inner eye needs some laser surgery. Girls still wear underwear, I haven't been arrested on suspicion of bribing Pulitzer Price officials (THEY'LL NEVER GET ME!!), Tom Cruise isn't dead and Florida is still a state. I was correct on some things -- nurses are perkier, doctors have given up and the iPod is most definitely a world takeover device.Fortunately, another prediction w[...] Source: Dorky Dad Look Ma! I'm The Dolphins! Well, not quite. At least the Dolphins got one win. So 2007 brought a staunch zero on the publication scale. Can't say I didn't try. Well, maybe I could have tried harder but I think fifteen submissions is pretty good for a procrastinator. Seeing as I'm starting the submission year in January as opposed to October, I'm positive of my submitting abilities and the fact I'll get more than a dozen in. Can't say the same for acceptances as those are completely out of my control but maybe someon[...] Source: Finding Boddie Happy New Year blah blah blah OKAY so now that everyone and their Aunt Fannie knows about the way we stupidly destroyed every single one of the fabulous pictures documenting TEH PENGUIN’S Christmas Vacation in America, we think it’s safe to say we ended 2007 on a pretty stinky note. That said, far are we’re concerned, our careless act of Memory Vandalism was among the least egregious of all the things that happened because of us — and/or to us — that contributed to making 2007 the Year of Suck*.[...] Source: Central Snark Happy New Year’s! Happy New Years all! And thanks to The Cartoon Blog for the cartoon. I’ll have something more substantial for you tomorrow, and in the meanwhile, you may want to check out humor-blogs.com. Share [...] Source: The Skwib I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… because they didn’t happen I usually spend New Year’s hopping from party to party, and I ended up at former US Senator Trent Lott’s house around 4am. The party was still jumpin’ because T-Lott’s momma’s not home. And he had bitches in the living room getting on, and they were not leaving until six in the morn. Anyway, T-Lott invited all his friends in the Republican party over to get crunk, and I end up sitting on a couch with Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. “I saw my dad marching w[...] Source: Renal Failure New Year's Resolutions For My Friends -Stop complaining about the same thing over and over. I can’t fix it. If I could, I’d fix all the things I complain about over and over.-Make up your mind in less than four days. As fascinating as the difference is between ecru and taupe, your equivocation gets on my last available nerve. Choose one and move on.-Stop asking me what I think you should do with your life. I don’t know what I should do with my life and yours interests me even less.-Stop asking me if you should have plastic surgery. [...] The Frogster’s Predictions for 2008 Remember, you read it here first. 1. The metric system will finally catch on in The United States. I have a good feeling about this one. 2. Lexus will come out with a car that not only parks itself, but also blows raspberries at Hyundais. 3. The Who will embark on their seventeenth “Farewell Tour.” 4. National Fruitcake Day (you didn’t think I’d put up a post that made no mention of fruitcake whatsoever, did you?) will be declared a national holiday and every kid who bri[...] Source: The Frog Bog Notable Christmas Presents For those of you sensitive to the mocking of a religious icon, avert your eyes now. For the rest of you with a sense of humor and the ability to not take yourself too seriously, proceed. And for those of you potential interneters that might feel the need to leave me a comment and/or send me an e-mail telling me how evil I am (as if I don't already know), be warned. You will be in for a public mocking. As if I'd let glorious material like that pass me by. Right.Among the many things I receiv[...] Source: Finding Boddie A New Icon for a New Year In my continuing and some might even say obsessive (Hi DM) quest to climb to even higher rating over at humor-blogs.com, I'm considering changing my icon. I mean, packaging is an important part of sales, and a different icon might be the edge that pushes me to the top! (or top that pushes me over the edge: what ever works I say) I want it understood however that I am not doing this for self-absorbed and vainglorious reasons.No; I'm doing this for the greater glory of north-west-central Idaho.I'v[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Help with your New Year’s Resolutions A bit of advice from Bob Newhart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE But you shouldn’t stop going to humor-blogs.com. Share [...] Source: The Skwib New Year’s Reso-loser-tions I resolve to not make any stupid resolutions for 2008. There. Done. Bam! Ok, this is probably going to come off just a little negative, but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever met anyone who has kept a major new year’s resolution commitment. And you wanna know why? Easy. It’s because most people pick things that are too insanely impossible in the first place. Oh right… “I currently chain-smoke 3 packs a day but I’m going to quit smoking cold turkey on Tuesday[...] Source: Central Snark Keira Knightly and I Finally Meet Face to Face On my layover in Atlanta I was starving and had to find a place to eat. The Atlanta airport is so huge that there are numerous options, the only problem was because of the holiday traffic most places had long waits which I didn’t have time for. I swallowed my pride and decided that the Quiznos was looking pretty good and it wasn’t super ridiculously over priced like most airport fare. By the way, which pricing is worse? Airport prices or prices on rest stops on toll roads like the thruway in New[...] Source: Pointless Banter Keira Knightley and I Finally Meet Face to Face On my layover in Atlanta I was starving and had to find a place to eat. The Atlanta airport is so huge that there are numerous options, the only problem was because of the holiday traffic most places had long waits which I didn’t have time for. I swallowed my pride and decided that the Quiznos was looking pretty good and it wasn’t super ridiculously over priced like most airport fare. By the way, which pricing is worse? Airport prices or prices on rest stops on toll roads like the thruway in New[...] Source: Pointless Banter We elected Dorian Gray as president, not his portrait The Screaming Head on the Radio was going off today about how bad Hilary Clinton looked in a photo in some newspaper, and that because the presidency tends to accelerate the aging process and women don’t seem to age particularly well compared to men the American people wouldn’t vote for her because no one wants to see someone old and ugly in the White House. Oh, and apparently she personally killed a whole bunch of people too. So I start thinking, if Americans really won’t vo[...] Source: Renal Failure Holiday Recovery For many, the holiday season is a time of pain and emotional suffering. Broken hearts, ruptured spleens, and damaged livers litter the roadsides of this nominally festive season, leaving untold numbers collecting the discarded refuse like convicts under a particularly cruel sentence of community service. And always, since the advent of human society, the only cure for such torment has been time. Or occasionally death. Until now. This is why Toboggans’ Industries is inordinately proud to an[...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Sexy Sweaters Of New Year's Eve In 1999 I was performing in a standup show I co-created, produced and starred in called Single, Married & Divorced. That year we were booked in South Carolina to do two shows on New Year’s Eve at the Comedy House in Savannah and Columbia. They had comics at both clubs and on New Year’s Eve they wanted each set of comics to be driven in town cars to the other club, do a show and then be driven back. The night that we changed to the year 2000, the year all the traffic lights across the United [...] I should have bought The Boy a salt lick ... I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that, if for some reason God decided to turn me into a pillar of salt, The Boy would be pretty happy about that, at least in the short term.In recent weeks he's become a salt fiend. He has developed an unconditional love for "salty pretzels," especially the horribly bad ones purchased at the Target cafeteria. Whenever we buy bagels, he gets the salt flavored variety, preferably coated with enough of that sidewalk salt that the bagel looks white.And wheneve[...] Source: Dorky Dad No Rest For Spammers A few days before Christmas I decided to let the spam build in all of my email accounts on the 25th to see which poor souls had to work on what should have been a day off. Of the four emails I have, two collected spam (the other two are blissfully spam-free). No, I'm not that popular, just that sporadic. I amassed 31 total messages of relative variety although I wished I received the 'enlarge your male organ' one on Christmas. One can only hope I would be able to choose which organ to enlarg[...] Source: Finding Boddie Oh the weather outside is frightful.. AH! A relaxing day at home! It has to be because we're not going anywhere. I fortunately managed to get all the boys to go home following my daughter's B-day party yesterday. That left us with two girlfriends spending last night. However, the wind and snow kicked up in the evening, and this morning we had 3 foot drifts on our driveway and the mile or so dirt road you need to travel to get out to the local two lane. Sooner or later, one of the locals will fire up a snow plow, but with the wind s[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... If You Haven't Seen My Seinfeld Yet It's on again today, Thursday December 27th. 5:30 PM Pacific Time on TBS.I'm the one in the bakery scene with the straight blond hair. The grown up bratty kid from A League Of Their Own plays my husband. I didn't cast that part because I would have booked someone with whom I might actually want to have sex.On another note, I'm really enjoying this Christmas because my upstairs neighbors are out of town. The McPoundersons have a circa 1970 blender, which has a V-8 engine, and wakes me up every fu[...] |
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