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Archive for 1/6/2008 to 1/13/2008The Artist Formerly Known As.A few years before my mother passed away, she gave us the scrapbooks she had kept when we were kids. They were full of our artwork and schoolwork from when we were in Kindergarten through 6th grade. Just about everything that went up on the refrigerator ended up in this book. I sorted through it the other night and picked out a few of my favorites. I was apparently big on drawing pictures of my family.I believe I can say with almost 100% certainty that the teacher required us to do this.I say th[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch  2008 Playoff Predictions-Divisional Round 2008 Playoff Predictions: Divisional Round *My apologies to anyone who thinks I am trying some cheap promotional stunt by calling myself Tuna to get hits or attention. It is my nickname too, but pretty stupid to use online for a football column. Chalk me up for a Darwin Award and read on, you might like the predictions.* The excitement is in the air and besides the airing of that stupid Jeep commercial 12,342 times we should have some great football games. I don’t want to buy a car that[...] Source: Angry Seafood Poll Results Thank you to all who participated in the religion poll. I enjoy knowing my readers' demographics. The results speak volumes about what kind of people take interest in my writing. It also leads me to believe the following:The only Latter Day Saints who I do not insult or repulse with my views and lack of shared religious beliefs are my family members. But I do have quite a brood, so I do score a few points with them. However, I drink coffee and wine, so that counteracts all points received from t[...] Source: Seven Seeds You Know Your Butt’s Too Big When …. No one has to tell me I’ve gained weight this year. Not that anyone would dare say that to my face, or they’d have a mouthful of Chicklets for teeth. And not that I don’t recognize what happened to my body over the last 12 months. I see it every day in the mirrors I haven’t already thrown a drape over. But as so often happens with weight gain, you tend to ignore the obvious and just buy bigger clothes. Last week, my butt decided to publicly and rudely remind me of just [...] Source: The Junk Drawer SATURDAY SPIN I’m really not suited for this “job.” In other words, I’m not a music reviewer from the technical standpoint. I only know what I like and when I hear it, I jot it down or make a mental note; or in the case of today’s spin, can’t get it out of my head. It was raining today and as I drove along, wipers slapping, on comes Joe Henry singing “Our Song” a dirge-like paean to America as told from the perspective of Willie Mayes. I was transfixed. I[...] Source: Central Snark Flying with haiku My apologies for not posting yesterday. I got home from my quick jaunt to Miami late Thursday night and more or less hit the bed as soon as I walked in the door. My brain still hasn't returned from the trip.So, when in doubt, I just write haiku. In today's case, here are some haikus about flying. Now, as usual, if you are into Japanese verse at all or you care at all about poetry, you should probably avoid the following post. If, however, you care to torture yourself for the next five minutes, b[...] Source: Dorky Dad The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!!So, tell me, what offenses are you planning on carrying out this weekend??Me? Well, this weekend I am starting a new tradition for my Weekender Offender posts, where I announce my "Offender of the Week" awards.That's right! I know, I am excited too!!So, in order to win, you have to knowingly or unknowingly offend me in just the right way (and let me tell you, that is NOT an easy task!!).If you are offensive enough to succeed, not only do you win the [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Islamic Jihad Against Soap Operas" Offensive Well, now that's two things I have in common with the Taliban. I friggin' hate soap operas too!! With suicide bombers in the capital, spiralling opium production and half the country prey to Taleban guerrillas, Afghanistan's spiritual guardians have discovered a dangerous new peril: Indian soap operas.In an echo of the strict religious laws of the Taleban era, the Islamic Council of Scholars won the backing this week of a powerful government minister in its campaign to get dozens of wildly popul[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!!So, tell me, what offenses are you planning on carrying out this weekend??Me? Well, this weekend I am starting a new tradition for my Weekender Offender posts, where I announce my "Offender of the Week" awards.That's right! I know, I am excited too!!So, in order to win, you have to knowingly or unknowingly offend me in just the right way (and let me tell you, that is NOT an easy task!!).If you are offensive enough to succeed, not only do you win the [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The Sissification of the American Cartoon This is deeply disturbing. My kids were watching cartoons the other day while I was on the computer. After a while it struck me that I hadn’t had to threaten them at all to get them to leave me alone or pipe down. It was then that I looked up and saw that they were all sitting there staring half-comatose at the tube...not laughing. Nary a chuckle from any of them for the duration of the cartoon.I hesitate to name names, but if you were guessing “Arthur” you were right. Have you seen this show? I[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing The "Islamic Jihad Against Soap Operas" Offensive Well, now that's two things I have in common with the Taliban. I friggin' hate soap operas too!! With suicide bombers in the capital, spiralling opium production and half the country prey to Taleban guerrillas, Afghanistan's spiritual guardians have discovered a dangerous new peril: Indian soap operas.In an echo of the strict religious laws of the Taleban era, the Islamic Council of Scholars won the backing this week of a powerful government minister in its campaign to get dozens of wildly popul[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day......Learning Words The Infidel Way! Today's Word Is: CAMOTOE I took my mini-Infidels to the park today to soak up some of the gorgeous spring-like weather we're enjoying smack in the middle of winter. As we strolled along I sourly noted that the "Hoochie Poochie Mama" patrol was out in full force and taking advantage of the warm temperatures by showing off their enormous belly pooches spilling out of cropped shirts and obscenely plunging low-rise jeans. And then we saw her. A lady wearing overly-tight stretchy pants with a camoufl[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel I Miss My Orange Walls I miss our home. Yes, we still own a house. It is a beautiful, brand new house. But it will never be home to me. Of all the things I miss about our old home, I think I miss our orange walls the most. Everyone hated the color. They called it the pumpkin room. But I would sit in that room, soak in the vibrant hue of fall, and watch my kids playing in the humongous back yard that was their paradise. In the winter, we would sit in front of the fireplace and relax together. I would sit and nurse my [...] Source: Seven Seeds Sunny Side Up It is with the warmth of the sun on my soul, that I write this morning. Forget the chocolate syrup that was poured on the run ten minutes ago. Forget that Aiden knows no other language than Whinese, this morning. I have solid proof that God has is not totally disgusted with me, after all.Life has not been all roses lately, and yesterday was the most difficult day I've had in quite awhile. For more insight, please click here. If that doesn't shed any light on my state of mind as of late, then it [...] Source: Seven Seeds Riding With Rickey Banner Competition Update As a brief reminder, Rickey is still soliciting entries for the RwR banner creation contest. The deadline is 1/18/08 (next Friday). We mention this because, to date, we’ve received exactly one submission. We're happy to say that it’s a pretty solid one, but, as in all aspects of life, Rickey believes that competition breeds innovation. So really, if we could get a minimum of two entries, thereby making this an actual competition, that would be all sorts of awesome. Yeah, we know, no funny stuff [...] Source: Riding With Rickey Real Men As a part of a project with which I am now intimately associated, I was asked to define the term "Real Man". Being one myself, obviously I never thought of it before. But I figured, hey, why not? There are bound to be lots of confused guys out there, what with 30 years or so of women's lib being packed into their ba...brains.But I have to tell you, after giving the concept of defining "A Real Man" considerable thought, and reading the essays and compositions of numerous enlightened writers on th[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Caption Contest: Hillary! I'm virtually guaranteed to regret this, but I thought I'd try something different today. You know the rules: Submit your captions in the comments, and I'll post a poll with the best ones on Tuesday.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.[...] Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#41) From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk. And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!” And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some dev[...] Source: The Skwib humor dash blog dot com(ma) Editor’s note: somewhere in the Blogosphere is an Exact Copy of this post, right down to the stupid title and/or punctuation marks. THIS is what we get for trying to “tweak” a post after it’s been published. If you, or anyone you know, spots the rogue missive, don’t be frightened. Stay calm. IT WON’T HURT YOU. Just let us know and we’ll pick it up, then deposit it back into the queue, where it will be allowed to live out the rest of its days in peace an[...] Source: Central Snark The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???!So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I kn[...] Source: The Blog of Bex See You Again...maybe... Oh my god. I need help. Make that HELP. I have the radio on and a song came on that I was kind of jamming to. It's called See You Again. Nice hook, good beat, I'm shakin' my ass...and then I hear the smarmy DJ voice, "...and that was Miley Cyrus with her hit, See You Again...." And, in case you aren't blessed with pre-teen aged daughters, Miley is also known as Hannah Goddammit Montana.Oh HELL no! Say it ain't so!!! Somebody PLEASE tell me that I wasn't just dancing around in my underwear to a s[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Country Apple ('Tis of Thee) This morning I was digging around under my bathroom sink. I was actually looking for any kind of hair product that might help tame the beast (my hair). And then I found something so unexpected...so strange and unique...that I actually forgot what I was doing in the first place. And, without further ado, here it is:In case you can't read it, this is body lotion that smells like Country Apple. (As opposed to Inner-City Apple, I guess.) Where did this come from? First of all, I'm pretty sure I didn[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Jesus Christ is Coming To Town... submitted by new contributor John JordanWhy does God need to check it twice? In case He screwed up the first time?--------------------------------------------------"State of the church. Pastor Grooms"submitted by Aaron LeeWell...it's certainly better than the alternative.--------------------------------------------------"Get God, get grown up, and get going!"submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J.Good grief.---------------------------------------------------Humor-blogs.com is making a lis[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Happiness is a Dish Best Served Hot - With Ice Cream. Happiness is a fickle fellow; sometimes bestowing you with lots of love and attention and other times leaving you to go and neck some beer at the local titty bar. It’s usually at this point that his accomplice depression taps you on the shoulder and promises never to run off like happiness did. But there are ways to coax happiness back into your home and in the process send depression bouncing out into the street on his backside. So here are 5 joy bringing suggestions for 5 important areas of y[...] Source: Muramusu's Weblog It’s just Wheelchair Becky with a cape Local superheroes Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic stopped over on my roof the other night for some Hot Toddy’s, and they had quite a story to tell. “So this toy company gets the idea to make a superhero action figure of me,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “And they call a meeting to show me the prototype and get my thoughts on it.” “And you find out that they’re not interested in your thoughts, they just want you to sign off on it and leave,” say[...] Source: Renal Failure Desperately Seeking Spooky Entirely too often I allow the minor distractions of life to blind me to what is truly important. Family, career, college, writing, acting, even sleep, at one time or another, have all come between me and my responsibility to keep abreast of my favorite blogs. It is precisely this sort of misplaced priority that has until recently kept me ignorant of a critical absence on the internet. I am of course referring to the artist formerly, and possibly still, known as Spooky. Spooky’s blog was unique[...] Source: The Ominous Comma How to Become a Better Exotic Dancer On occasion I wish that I could be female…well an attractive female. Mostly whenever I get pulled over for speeding, have to wait in line, or when I want someone to buy me a drink. When you are an attractive female all those situations are improved by your looks. The only other time I wish I was female is when I leave a strip club because easier money has never been made. Being a stripper is a license to basically print cash, well except if you turn around and invest it in coke or meth. Even if [...] Source: Pointless Banter The Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest, Part Deux After a glorious first week in the annual Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest I am in second place. Oh sure, some of you Naysaying Neds or Moping Myrnas might say, “Dude. There are only two people participating.” (The other one is Chris (AKA Tuna) from Angry Seafood). But I am a half-full kind of guy. Like in the morning after I eat a healthy breakfast, I only feel half full and I go to 7-11 and get one of their 4,500 calorie coffee rolls. (NOTE: Before I went to press Chris sen[...] Source: The Frog Bog The Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest, Part Deux After a glorious first week in the annual Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest I am in second place. Oh sure, some of you Naysaying Neds or Moping Myrnas might say, “Dude. There are only two people participating.” (The other one is Chris (AKA Tuna) from Angry Seafood). But I am a half-full kind of guy. Like in the morning after I eat a healthy breakfast, I only feel half full and I go to 7-11 and get one of their 4,500 calorie coffee rolls. (NOTE: Before I went to press Chris sen[...] Source: The Frog Bog Cloverfield, Cloverfield Wherefore Art Thou Cloverfield? Right off the bat: It’s not a damn lion! Well I hope not. The new film by producer J.J. Abrams (Lost) and director Matt Reeves (something he’s done before) is a strange beast (also features one) in that for once we don’t know a hell of a lot about it. A huge monster attacks New York and we see video camera footage of it doing so. And that’s it. We don’t know anything else apart from that. Well, the monster is a bit clumsy with his kick-ups (see the statue of liberty head scene) but beyond that w[...] Source: Muramusu's Weblog The Sarcastic Cyborg Debriefs [recording starts] Is this thing on? Seriously. Is it on? I’m not getting any neural feedback. You humans are so odd. You are human aren’t you? W hy don’t you just implant a microphone in your scull — there’s lots of room. That way the rest of the world could hear the same voice you do. Oh yeah, you don’t sound like that. Right. Everybody says that when they hear their recorded voice the first time. It’s embarrassing. But just imagine what it wa[...] Source: The Skwib Your Weekly NFL Update: Rickey's Playoff Predictions *A disclaimer: Rickey's record during the 2007 season was a stalwart 1-1, so for the love of God, please interpret these picks accordingly.We’re sure that as far as NFL predictions go, seasoned professionals such as Bob Costas most likely possess more reliable records than Rickey. But then again, that Napoleonic prick Costas also enjoys pontificating smarmily on how Chad Johnson’s latest endzone celebration reminds him of a Busby Berkley production. So give Rickey’s picks a shot instead, will ya[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Holidays 2008 It's that time of the year again when most people pick up a new calendar so they can begin planning their next year's schedules and vacations.But not you! Because you are lucky enough to be one of my readers, you don't even have to leave your computer to find out what's happnin' in 2008. Just bookmark this post and the next time you need to know what day a specific holiday falls on, simply click your way back here and you're good to go.That's right. As my gift to you, I have once again put toget[...] Source: View From The Cloud Where Do Old Chefs Go To Die? Do they go to 'An Old Chefs' retirement home where they compete in cooking contests using only bran and prunes as ingredients? Maybe they get sent out to pasture where they can run and frolic freely alongside packs of wild chefs? The answer is:none of the above.No, apparently they all get shipped out to the special Santa Paula spice factory crematorium where their culinary essence is transformed into a rusty orange powder and packaged right up for retail sale at fine generic stores everywhere.Al[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Holidays 2008 It's that time of the year again when most people pick up a new calendar so they can begin planning their next year's schedules and vacations.But not you! Because you are lucky enough to be one of my readers, you don't even have to leave your computer to find out what's happnin' in 2008. Just bookmark this post and the next time you need to know what day a specific holiday falls on, simply click your way back here and you're good to go.That's right. As my gift to you, I have once again put toget[...] Source: View From The Cloud Thursday Shout-Out: HumorBlogging.com First of all, thanks to everybody who responded to yesterday's post and tried to assure me that I'm completely normal. That's total bullocks, of course, but thanks. I mean, we all have our remote-control-in-the-freezer moments, but trust me, I take absentmindedness to a whole new level.Oh, and to those who attributed my condition to (1) being male, (2) getting old, or (3) being overworked, I respond:(1) Then I must be way male.(2) I've actually gotten less scatterbrained as I've aged. Which i[...] Mental Weeding I'd really love a piece of your mind. Before you start leaving strings of written obscenities in the comment section, I'm talking about your opinion on my new blog. Go on over and visit http://www.mentalweeding.blogspot.com/ , when you get a second. I have only posted a few poems, so far. But I would like to know if it is crappy and uninteresting. Thanks for your cooperation! Here is a sampling of my material:Quite CertainOne thing is for certain...I'm intelligent, stupid,Exciting, a bore.Confid[...] Source: Seven Seeds Get It Together, Woman! I often find myself frantically searching for lost homework or missing shoes, cursing at my inability to be one of those "together" moms. In our house, things get lost, tossed and inadvertently eaten, on a daily basis. Organization is just not one of my strengths. When we had a special someone at our home for a few days, she helped us to realize that an organized home eliminates frustration and saves oodles of time. Yes, it stinks to sort through piles of papers and drawers full of odds and ends[...] Source: Seven Seeds What? Me Worry? I am a Adverse potential prognosticator. Some of you may be scratching your heads (But be careful! Its possible that you might damage your scalp and cause an infection!) Others of you have worked out the proceeding sentence and are dismissively saying to yourself, "Oh, he's a worrier. Big deal! Everyone worries." Au Contrair! (Gee, I hope I spelled that right. If I screwed that up, my readers might think I'm a dummy and won't read anymore. They might even write a comment of complaint. They'll p[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Self Affliction At Its Finest For Thursday Thirteen, I'm going to berate myself. I compelled to do this for the fact that I did a horrible thing yesterday, and deserve the kind of punishment only I can bring on myself. So, here are my thirteen thoughts on why I suck as a human being. Feel free to add your own reasons in the comment section. Don't worry, you can do it anonymously, so you don't have to fear my vengeance.Thursday Thirteen: Why I suck I can be extremely self righteous, for no reason at all. I hurt the feelings o[...] Source: Seven Seeds Indulgences for sale here! seen on A Stumbing Believer by frequent contributor Indie DavisSeeking: One youth pastor.Job description: Really, really, really uphill battle.-----------------------------------------------------------------seen on A Stumbing Believer by frequent contributor Indie DavisThey also let a few get off the hook, but who's counting?And regarding the first line: You think they do the locusts & honey bit, too?-----------------------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed [...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The most popular ringtone in Japan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTMv4ymRGLM More mental flatulence at humor-blogs.com. Share [...] Source: The Skwib College Taught Me People Lie about Voting Being a resident of New Hampshire, I got to vote in the primary Tuesday and I was a witness to the shocking win by Hillary. When you are done groaning, I will continue. The pundits will tell you that Clinton beat the spread on the contest due to polling too soon or experts unwisely thinking momentum means anything. She won because people seem to be really divided between her and Obama. It is just as wide-open on the red side as well. This is what happens when our society continues to churn ou[...] How to Write a Funny Rambling Style Post: Diesel of the Mattress Police This is a guest post by Humor-Blogs.com founder, Diesel. Since I started MattressPolice.com about a year and a half ago, I’ve written a lot of different kinds of humor pieces. It’s been sort of an ongoing experiment, and I’ve gradually settled into a more-or-less consistent style, which is the Essay that Pretends to Have a Serious Point But Really is Just a String of Bizarre Digressions That Somehow Ends Up Basically Where It Started. There are certainly a lot of other ways [...] Source: Humor Blogging URL Be Sorry… OH how we lovelovelove it when our son saves us the trouble of coming up with a topic for a post. Witness the following e-mail* sent earlier in the week regarding Unfortunate Website Names that made it onto the ‘net: Top 10 REASONS… to re-think that URL before committing it to the internet 1. First up, a company called ‘Who Represents‘ featuring agents who represent bona fide stars, like, say, Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton. Their domain name… wait for it: whorepresents.com 2. [...] Source: Central Snark An Uncomfortable Trip to the Strip Club I have a set of friends that really enjoy going to strip clubs. I can’t say that I mind going but I have a steadfast rule in place in order for me to prevent myself from going broke every time we go. The rule is: In order for me to spend money on a girl in a strip club she has to be better looking than anyone I can pull out of a bar. This rule has kept me from falling into “stripper love” that some of my other friends fall victim to. There have been times I have gone to strip clubs and have had [...] Source: Pointless Banter The "I Like Mike" Offensive No, not Huckabee, Holmes! Mike Holmes!!Don't give me that blank stare, you know...he is that hunky guy in the overalls from the Discovery Home show, "Holmes on Homes": What do you mean, you still don't know which show?? You know..the one where he comes in and fixes all the damage left behind by shady, inept, no-permits-needed building contractors? Oh please! Don't act like you have no idea who he is! I mean, heh, no offense, but when you aren't blogging or surfing the internet for porn you do wa[...] Source: The Offended Blogger She doesn’t even own a motorcycle Nursemyra’s recent entry in our Character Art Contest raises a lot of important, semi-important, and not very important questions. Does this sign mean that ninjas aren’t allowed to ride motorcycles in town (which is ironic, because there’s a brand of motorcycle called Ninja)? I briefly thought it meant that you couldn’t wield a sword while riding your bike, but if that was the case then they wouldn’t have put the picture of the person on the sign. Is that person[...] Source: Renal Failure The "I Like Mike" Offensive No, not Huckabee, Holmes! Mike Holmes!!Don't give me that blank stare, you know...he is that hunky guy in the overalls from the Discovery Home show, "Holmes on Homes": What do you mean, you still don't know which show?? You know..the one where he comes in and fixes all the damage left behind by shady, inept, no-permits-needed building contractors? Oh please! Don't act like you have no idea who he is! I mean, heh, no offense, but when you aren't blogging or surfing the internet for porn you do wa[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Going to Miami? Bring a sweater I left our house this morning bundled up for the cold weather. I took the bus with The Wife downtown, then walked two blocks outside to get to the light-rail station, where I waited a couple of minutes so I could take the train to the airport.The temperature outside: 14 degrees.I took a boring three-hour flight to Miami, which was made bearable by Monty Python, my laptop and a big bag of trail mix. After retrieving my bag, I got into the Super Shuttle to get to my hotel in what would be a nearly[...] Source: Dorky Dad H-7! McCain Sinks Romney’s Battleship! The following conversation was overheard last night in the Henderson household:Ms. Henderson: You’re taking pictures of the television. Explain.Rickey: Look at the nifty information on the sides of the CNN HD broadcast! It’s like Battleship! This seems like the kind of thing I could blog about!Ms. Henderson: I’m going to go read a book.Indeed, when Rickey purchased a flat screen television a while back, it was this very moment he had been eagerly anticipating. The moment when his glorious high d[...] Source: Riding With Rickey It's Time To Admit It: Huey Lewis Rocks My World! Well he doesn't exactly rock me in the musical sense, mind you, but by all accounts Huey Lewis is a genuinely nice guy. In this selfish mortal realm punctuated with cut-throat attitudes, that really means something. Last week, the Huey-Haters team sadly lost their bid to spread their venomous Huey-loathing message across the web. The resulting poll numbers are pretty clear......... I got owned by exuberant fans who voted the Huey-Haters down on practically a 2 to 1 margin. Now, I'm not insinuati[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Poor Impulse Control. Similar to the character Raven in the book "Snow Crash" by Neal Stephenson, (it's a fantastic book and you should go read it now instead of this post) I am also getting a phrase tattooed on my forehead. Unlike Raven's, my tattoo will be voluntary, and I'll use small letters because I don't have a giant, slab-like forehead. It will say "Attention to detail is limited at best."Why? Because that had to be my favorite line in my finally-posted blog review over at humor-blogs.com.Reading parts o[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch In My Day... I think we're all starting to get cabin fever around here. I'll behave myself and not mention anything about global climate change...this time. But we've been getting a bucket load of snow for the past couple of days. And later today the wind is supposed to kick in, so we'll be getting some really impressive drifts too. Goodbye to seeing anyone other than my immediate family for a few days. On the other hand, there may be certain advantages to not seeing anyone else.Yesterday evening I had to [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... The "Christ, You're a Perv!" Offensive (I mean the artist, not Jesus, of course!) A GALLERY has offended Christians and visitors alike by displaying a statue showing Christ with an erection.The sculpture, by the gay Chinese-born artist Terence Koh, is being exhibited by the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art in Gateshead.The exhibition, entitled Gone, Yet Still, features 74 different plaster models of people or objects which Koh, 30, claims have been important in his life. As well as the 18in statue of Christ, there are models of M[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Overboard Offender" Offensive If I were the captain, that's how I'd have done it! ;) A SECOND Australian sex offender has been thrown off a P&O cruise ship in as many weeks, as police also investigate claims of drink spiking on a third company ship. Six months after claiming passenger safety was paramount as a raft of changes were made in the wake of the Dianne Brimble inquest, the company is again facing questions about security on its ships. In the past two weeks, two pedophiles have been "disembarked", a woman alleged[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Japanese Naked Dog Pile" Offensive I do NOT even want to know why that guy has this expression on his face!!(OK, maybe I'm a little curious!) ....Times are changing for a millennium-old festival in provincial Japan that features naked men, with a top railway operator saying advertisements for the event were too racy.The northern city of Oshu each February draws thousands of tourists with its Somin Festival, in which naked men pile upon one another and frolic about late into the night to pray for good luck.The city has printed pos[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Pop Quiz Pop Quiz! Answers are T/F options, so you have a 50/50 chance of not ending up with a score that makes you feel like a retard:True or False?1. Aerosol hairspray can be used to remove permanent marker ink. (It doesn't, however, keep you from being sued over permanent marker that ends up on the hallway cupboards, the day that you move, because your four year old decided to leave a welcome message on them for the new owners.)2. You are more likely to be killed by a flying champagne cork than you ar[...] Source: Seven Seeds Lack of Vision Newsflash:The kids broke my glasses three days ago. I have not gotten in to have them fixed, if they even can be fixed. I might just super glue the arm back on, if I get too desperate. For now though, I have a raging headache and eyeballs that refuse to cooperate with each other. If my posts start being illegible and extremely short, just know that it is due to my lack of vision. Not "vision", as in grand hopes for the future, but "vision" as in, "Dammit whoever you are, get back here! Just beca[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Voice Heard 'Round The World This entry is part of a writing prompt given by the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas. The assignment is to write about my silliest mom moment. I'm not sure if that means embarrassing silly, stupid silly or just plain "I hope nobody else saw me do that!" kind of silly. Being that I have daily moments of each brand of silly, I will do my best to pick one that best represents what I think they are looking for. Here goes:What could be worse than having your moment of unadulterated silliness broadcast on Nationa[...] Source: Seven Seeds Where Was I? Newcomers to this blog may get the impression that I think I'm smarter than everybody else. For example, I've suggested that author Mark Halperin wrote his bestselling opus The Truth Machine "in seventh grade study hall." I've ridiculed parents who won't let their kids read Harry Potter, asking them whether there was "some kind of natural progression from J.K. Rowling fan to goat-worshiping cultist." I called my junior high teachers "smug, sorry-ass, close-minded, by-the-book pablum-spewing d[...] The "Christ, You're a Perv!" Offensive (I mean the artist, not Jesus, of course!) A GALLERY has offended Christians and visitors alike by displaying a statue showing Christ with an erection.The sculpture, by the gay Chinese-born artist Terence Koh, is being exhibited by the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art in Gateshead.The exhibition, entitled Gone, Yet Still, features 74 different plaster models of people or objects which Koh, 30, claims have been important in his life. As well as the 18in statue of Christ, there are models of M[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Overboard Offender" Offensive If I were the captain, that's how I'd have done it! ;) A SECOND Australian sex offender has been thrown off a P&O cruise ship in as many weeks, as police also investigate claims of drink spiking on a third company ship. Six months after claiming passenger safety was paramount as a raft of changes were made in the wake of the Dianne Brimble inquest, the company is again facing questions about security on its ships. In the past two weeks, two pedophiles have been "disembarked", a woman alleged[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Japanese Naked Dog Pile" Offensive I do NOT even want to know why that guy has this expression on his face!!(OK, maybe I'm a little curious!) ....Times are changing for a millennium-old festival in provincial Japan that features naked men, with a top railway operator saying advertisements for the event were too racy.The northern city of Oshu each February draws thousands of tourists with its Somin Festival, in which naked men pile upon one another and frolic about late into the night to pray for good luck.The city has printed pos[...] Source: The Offended Blogger You gotta see this! Now I've seen everything!What is this world coming to? Are some people so bored that they are inspired to come up with inventions like this? Are citizens of the United States really so wealthy that they have the money to piss away on frivolous novelties like these things? Apparently, the answers are "Yes" and "Yes!" Brace yourself for....Kitty Wigs:*Photos courtesy of kittywigs.comThanks for the blog material, Patrick!http://www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds The Tower Ever heard of the Tower of Terror ride at Disney's CA Adventure theme park? Well, I have my own Tower of Terror, right here in my very own living room. My tower, however, is not a thrill ride, but a disaster waiting to happen. Let me explain:For Christmas, my grandma gave my children, all seven of them, craft boxes. Craft boxes are what grandmas, who have no recollection of what it was like to raise a house full of children and constantly clean up mind boggling numbers of messes, give to their n[...] Source: Seven Seeds Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election? There are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly: 1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears 2) I’ve only ever won one election and after that there were no more elections. Now, even though I can’t cry standard tears, I don’t think I would cry them, even to win an election. First of all, I was well-liked before the election. I showed my soft and cuddly side early on, without giving people the idea that I would be a [...] Source: The Skwib Santa Should Be Spanked! If you are a masochist and the S&M clubs in your area haven't yet opened for the day, go to a shopping mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas.Don't get me wrong. Malls are wonderful! Malls are where all those people who love malls go. And if all of those people are in one confined place for the day, they're off the streets and we don't have to deal with them. And that's a good thing.I think of malls as the adult equivalent of those "ball" rooms at Burger King, those areas filled with plasti[...] Source: Dan's Blah Blah Blog Immunizations at 7:10 submitted/post title by frequent contributor Duane BrownMake sure you cover your mouth when you witness.-------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownIf He's unavailable, try Jenny at 867-5309-------------------------------------------------submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownFour stars, huh?Out of what? Four? Ten? I must know: How good is this Christmas?!?-------------------------------------------------su[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs My Personal Problems With Back to the Future A few weeks ago when I was home sick with the worst case of the flu I had ever had I locked into HBO when they played the entire “Back to the Future” series. While watching theses films for the first time in years I noticed a few things that I would like to share because I am a sharing type of guy. Michael J. Fox does a horrible job of lip syncing There are two things in movies that annoy the shit out of me. Number one being horribly played basketball scenes. There is nothing worse[...] Source: Pointless Banter Let’s get a bit morbid for a second… and realize there can be humor even at the very end. A friend send me an e-mail with tombstone pictures. Yes I know, I need new friends. But this one was….with respect to everyone dwelling in such bone-polishing places… rather funny. “Here lies my Wife / in Earthy Mold / Who when she Died / and naught but Scold / Good Friends go softly / in your walking / Lest she should Wake / and Rise up Talking” Ladies, let this be a warning to you. Instruct someone else, besides yo[...] Source: Central Snark Can we add “Outrageous Claims” to our header? Little known internet fact: Bernie the Half-Cyborg cat invented the phrase “I can has cheezburger.” We had just spent the evening competing in a “Drink every type of alcohol” contest at a local bar (a little tip, do scotch first and beer last), and somehow we found our way to a diner at 6am. “So what can I get you?” the waitress asks us. “Man, I could go for a cheeseburger…” I says, very drunk. “Me too…” says Bernie, really [...] Source: Renal Failure Santa Should Be Spanked! If you are a masochist and the S&M clubs in your area haven't yet opened for the day, go to a shopping mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas.Don't get me wrong. Malls are wonderful! Malls are where all those people who love malls go. And if all of those people are in one confined place for the day, they're off the streets and we don't have to deal with them. And that's a good thing.I think of malls as the adult equivalent of those "ball" rooms at Burger King, those areas filled with plasti[...] Source: Dan's Blah Blah Blog An E-Mail From One Of My Fans I think we all need to go to Jakarta and do a job there. Apparently the pay is very good even if you've been dead since 2005. Most of you know me by the name Suzy Soro, but from now on, please refer to me by my Scam Name, Robert J. Moses. Or RJ. And for all you show business trivia freaks out there, who was the real RJ married to who is now dead? And who did he marry after her? Martha Jane is disqualified from answering since she will get this in 1 nanosecond. Subj: Co-oparetionDate: 12/22/2007 [...] An E-Mail From One Of My Fans I think we all need to go to Jakarta and do a job there. Apparently the pay is very good even if you've been dead since 2005. Most of you know me by the name Suzy Soro, but from now on, please refer to me by my Scam Name, Robert J. Moses. Or RJ. And for all you show business trivia freaks out there, who was the real RJ married to who is now dead? And who did he marry after her? Martha Jane is disqualified from answering since she will get this in 1 nanosecond. Subj: Co-oparetionDate: 12/22/2007 [...] Wife Wednesday: bifidus regularis Possibly, it was the jambalaya. You hear people say eating something different can cause odd dreams, due presumably to an upset system. Though I don't think that sounds particularly plausible, since I have them all the time. Weird dreams, that is, not necessarily upset systems.Though upset systems do appear to be a common female complaint. At least that's DD's conjecture. After watching about 5,000 of those Activia yogurt ads, which show happy women talking about how this product helped to [...] Source: Dorky Dad New Hampshire: Not Important Very Often. Listed on humor-blogs.com… I’ve been watching American Presidential elections with the single mindedness of three-pouch-a-day Tang addict since 1992. In that time, I have become really, really tired of New Frikkin’ Hampshire. Seriously – the Granite State primaries can drink plumbing seepage as far as this impartial and aloof commentator is concerned. Plumbing seepage with a skin [...][...] Source: The Reasonable Ego What Not to Do With Curly Hair It is amazing to me what I’ll stick up on this blog for a laugh. Those of you who have been expecting my prom pictures will be disappointed. I can locate only one of them. I found two, but they’re both of my junior prom. The senior one is nowhere to be found, though I promise to keep looking. For now, you can have this. It’s my 7th grade school picture and if it isn’t obvious enough, this is what NOT to do if you have very curly hair. I did not walk around with a book on[...] Source: The Junk Drawer Rickey Explains New Hampshire to His Readership Today being Primary Day in New Hampshire, Rickey figured he’d devote a column to explaining the ins and outs of the Granite State for your enlightenment. You see, Rickey was born in New Hampshire (and occasionally enjoys vacationing there), and while he only spent the first few months of his life living there, he nonetheless feels a powerful bond with that state and its denizens. And since the New Hampshire Primary marks the first meaningful political contest of 2008 (suck it you corn crazy Iowa[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Tentacle Porn (Thanks Diesel) Congratulations to me!Yesterday I had my one thousandth visitor! I know that to many of you, 1000 visitors to your blog site is, not to put too fine a point on it, a real yawner. But not to me! I started my blog almost exactly 2 months ago, and I've grown quite quickly, mainly by offering the customer, my valued readers, what they wanted: misleading blog titles. While its true that the average length of stay is about 12 seconds, I like to think that my readers consider this quality time, not qua[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Over The (Mole) Hill My hill must be a very short one, because I feel like I've already hit the top and am wearing roller skates while descending the other side. It's official...I'm getting old. Not older. Old.Getting older, while it still is a little disconcerting, isn't as scary as being "old." Old is a state of mind that eventually takes over your body and then your very soul. The kind of old that makes you want to retire to bed as soon as the sun is no longer in view. The kind of old that makes you have to buy a[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Movies That Made The Man As ridiculous as the Hollywood crowd is to me, I have to admit that their work has had a profound impact on my life. What can capture the essence of the human experience, albeit entirely inaccurately, more than the universally-loved Big Screen? They make us hate. They make us love. They make us need to go to the bathroom so badly that we miss the climax of the film. America loves movies and so do I. So, in the interest of further transparency, I’ve decided to share with you some of the movies th[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing The Winner Wears The Hat This is the picture of DJ the Sheep, the winner of my 12 Pets of Christmas Contest. These are pictures of DJ wearing the first place prize of a sheepskin coat Where Hot Comes To Die ™ baseball cap. zzzzzzzzzz More winners over at humor-blogs.com[...] Professor Quippy: Life-Extending New Year’s Resolutions The good news: Research at Cambridge University shows that those New Year’s resolutions to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking could add up to 14 years to your life. According to the New Scientist: The study found that for any given age, sex, social class, and level of obesity – all things that affect death rates – a person who did none of those things had the same chance of dying as a person 14 years older who did all those things. In other words, people doing all four [...] Source: The Skwib Drunken Mistakes Vol. 17: The Worst Birthday Present Ever The problem with me living in a college town for so many years after I was actually in college was that that bar scene was influenced by when students were in session and when they weren’t. While the summer and winter breaks were still good because of the various local people, students home from college, and the “lake” crowd being in town week long breaks mid-semester often left the bars like a ghost town. This usually wasn’t a big deal except for the fact that my birthday for consecutive years [...] Source: Pointless Banter Dear Crummy Drug Commercials, I just saw a commercial for a prescription medicine to treat constipation. This commercial made me want this medicine more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. What a great life the people who take this medicine lead! Successful in business and commerce, a loving and beautiful family, sparkling white teeth and perfectly pressed clothing, a great set of wheels, living in a perfectly moderate and sunny climate zone…and all this from a constipation medicine?? So, what were [...] Source: Central Snark Rickey's Monday Musings It’s Monday, a day on which by definition, Rickey does not have his shit together. So rather than breaking his brain trying to write a cohesive narrative, Rickey has decided to make a list of things that have been kicking around his head. Below is a compilation of thoughts and ponderings rattling around inside Rickey’s caffeine addled mind.Audio controls on a car’s steering wheel is the greatest technological innovation since man landed on the moon. There, Rickey said it. Now if only there was a[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Education Is Wasted On The Young Although I would never mention it, I am in fact something of a celebrity. The extent of my fame is not always obvious to the causal observer, mainly due to the surprising restraint shown by my admirers in open areas, but in the enhanced proximity of an enclosed space, their distinctly fanatical character is revealed. In fact, it is a rare occasion that I can slip away from a restaurant, doctor’s office, or even a speed trap without some stern, often uniformed fan demanding my autograph on the bi[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Tag Larkin has too much pride Tag Larkin has too much pride. When Tag Larkin goes to the supermarket and can’t find something, he doesn’t ask anyone for assistance. He just wanders around for hours on end until he eventually finds what he’s looking for. Or until the manager calls the cops on him. Tag Larkin has too much pride. Tag Larkin was stricken with the flu last winter, but he didn’t go to the doctor. Then the flu got worse and turned into pneumonia. But Tag Larkin still refused to go to the[...] Source: Renal Failure The sad truth about dental floss Note: I went to The Well this evening, or in other words I asked The Wife what I should post about. "Write about dental floss," she said. So I'm writing about dental floss. I always do what The Wife says. Even if it means risking a bad blog post.The Wife fears clowns. The Boy is afraid of sitting still longer than five nanoseconds. I'm afraid of dentists. Unfortunately, The Wife can avoid clowns and The Boy never sits still. But there's no way I can avoid the dentist.I could provide you with a l[...] Source: Dorky Dad Don't Bother Clicking Here I just refuse to have one of my posts from two weeks ago be the latest thing on the feed at humor-blogs.com [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Humor, Boobs, Snark and More! Three quick things...1. Send me to the topPlease click on this button. Don't worry, it won't ask for your credit card or start infecting your computer - I'm simply trying an experiment. So go ahead, click it and come right back.Our good friend Diesel runs this Humor-Blogs site and I'm trying to figure out how the ranking system works. According to the help text, the more visitors you send over to his site from your own blog, the higher your score will be. Currently I'm sitting way down at around[...] Source: View From The Cloud Humor, Boobs, Snark and More! Three quick things...1. Send me to the topPlease click on this button. Don't worry, it won't ask for your credit card or start infecting your computer - I'm simply trying an experiment. So go ahead, click it and come right back.Our good friend Diesel runs this Humor-Blogs site and I'm trying to figure out how the ranking system works. According to the help text, the more visitors you send over to his site from your own blog, the higher your score will be. Currently I'm sitting way down at around[...] Source: View From The Cloud Hey New Year - Resolve this! New Year’s Resolutions. Every year I set myself a resolution not to make any resolutions but I always realise my mistake too late. The damage is done. This year I didn’t ban resolutions, I just resolved to make sure they didn’t all revolve around a resolve. I realised my mistake too late. The damage was done. I made other resolutions as well though; the kind that we all come up with in the new year in an attempt to make us better people. I promised to be a little more courteous and hold doors op[...] Source: Muramusu's Weblog Thirteen Thankful Thoughts Thursday is here! The last day of personal freedom before my monsters are out for holiday break! I have two batches of mashed potatoes to make, twenty rice krispie treats to whip up, one giant turkey to pick up, four class parties to attend (w/ my toddlers in tow,) and an overabundance of "woman cramps" to deal with. But rather than focus on the negative, I'm going to do my Thursday Thirteen list about 13 things I am feeling thankful for:I have two legs. If this seems like an obvious and stupid [...] Source: Seven Seeds Dad's Night Out When the Dad is away, the kids will play (and destroy stuff and run wild through the house until they finally pass out with a mouth full of junk food.) Dad is at poker night tonight, which means that, basically, I'm on my own. Luckily, I only have five kids to keep tabs on. Dad can rest easy, while he goes all in, knowing that the kids are safe in my care. Just between you and me though, safe doesn't mean behaved. I generally let them be crazy when Dad goes to poker night, because I believe that[...] Source: Seven Seeds Read My Lips: No New Anything! Occasionally when I write one of my brilliant political missives someone leaves a comment like this one:Very good site. Thank you:-) farm porn mother son porn dragonball porn lindsay lohan porn free porn samples home porn free porn passwords tara reid porn free porn mpegs free full length porn movies korean porn tentacle porn swedish porn free celeb porn french porn free porn stories pornstar finder nurse porn jennifer lopez porn free toon pornWhoops. Wrong comment. Looks like my anti-spam cod[...] Proof Positive After this morning's ranting about the sick, materialistic nature of our gift giving traditions, I decided to prove my point. My theory about the children's natural connection between the Christmas season and receiving presents, is that all of them automatically associate the two. But I needed a way to test my theory. I did what any therapist would do and gave them all a word association activity. First, I devised a list of words. Then I called each child into an isolated room and drilled them a[...] Source: Seven Seeds Pie Is Yummy! (Just not humble flavored) Do ever get caught wallowing in self pity? I do, but not by humans. It is usually God who finds me curled up in a corner, tears and snot running down my face, blubbering about how hard I have it. Today, God pulled me out of my corner and gave me the "You think you have it bad?" speech. No, not an audible speech. I'm not a good enough Christian to get one of those. It was more of a bitch slap, which I needed.I was getting out of the van at the local gas station, and thanking God for allowing me t[...] Source: Seven Seeds Survivor: SAHM edition WHEW! I am one tired little lady. Today threw me some curve balls, but I still swung at 'em anyway.I'm too tired to do an all out post, so here are the random thoughts that are floating around in my brain, amongst the lingering echos of Kindergarteners' demands for assistance:Thank God for my adaptive nature, or else I might have been down right pissed when Stater Bros. had no record of the turkey I ordered for Marlie's class feast last week. I found some cooked turkey breasts under a heat lamp [...] Source: Seven Seeds On The Road Again While we are safe and sound in our own home again, I still would like to post two entries that I typed during our travel home. The first is the log of our journey, but remind me to tell you about THE RUG, later.10:00 am (PST):We say our goodbyes and head out. It was a great visit, long overdue. The same people that I loved visiting as a child, have only gotten better with time. It makes the treacherous time on the road, worth it, just to be with them. I can't wait until our next trip out here.10[...] Source: Seven Seeds Perspective I just had to share this life lesson with you. Below are pictures of two different families from other countries, and their weekly food consumption. I was reading the email that these pictures were attached to, while my kids fought over chocolate chip cookies. It made me want to yank the cookies out of their mouths, wrap them up and mail them to a third world country, where even the crumbs would be appreciated! The lesson for today: Be grateful for this country, our freedom to earn a decent wage[...] Source: Seven Seeds The fun has just begun! No time for long drawn out posts today. Hope your holiday was wonderful! Mine sure was. But it's not quite over yet. Today is clean up day (I've got a crap load of pics to share w/ you all!) Tomorrow we will be braving the crowds at Disneyland with my Dad and sister. Then we pack and head out to Arizona on Friday morning. I'm giddy with anticipation at the thought of a six hour road trip...not. But we were smart and bought the three oldest kids portable cd players for the trip. It just might sta[...] Source: Seven Seeds HELP! Dear God,I know that your Son's birthday is rapidly approaching and you are probably getting last minute celebration errands done, but can I just have a second of your time? What am I saying? Of course I can! After all, you are the ultimate multitasker! I'm sure you're overseeing party plans, granting your childrens' prayer requests and making a giant birthday cake, all at once. If you were a mom, you'd make me green with envy!I honestly don't know how you handle having so many kids and being ab[...] Source: Seven Seeds Our Christmas, Captured Okay, here are the Christmas pictures that I promised. I may not be able to come up with accompanying witticisms, as I am pooped from our trip to Disneyland. BTW: do not ever go to Disneyland right before or right after Christmas, unless you like anxiety provoking crowds and waiting in two hour long lines for a five minute attraction. I learned this lesson the hard way. Anyway, we are off to Arizona tomorrow, so I'll be blogging from the road. Pray for our safety, but mostly our sanity as this e[...] Source: Seven Seeds A World Of Difference People just don't get it. They will never understand my lack of sanity or why my van looks like a tornado has ravaged the insides. They cannot grasp the fact that sometimes a child needs a good swat, or that letting your kids scarf down Cheetos instead of dinner (on rare occasion,) doesn't make for a bad mother. They will never comprehend the extent to which we are made to suffer, unless they themselves are mothers. The differing views of mothers and non mothers are fascinating to the point that[...] Source: Seven Seeds Pulling Mental Weeds I've added a new blog to the website, called "Pulling Mental Weeds." It's just another excuse to air my dirty mental laundy and free up some space in my noggin. It gets so stinkin' cluttered up there! Pulling Mental Weeds is a little different because the posts will all consist of poetry. So if that kind of thing bores you, then just stick around here. Here is an example of the kind of weeds I pull:Listening To ReasonHunched over in my bedroom, tears of pity drench my face.Wondering why I wear t[...] Source: Seven Seeds Cool Change Does this mean Gore will give the Nobel back?"Hey wait a minute, Fella!Nobody touches my 'Nobel', not even Tipper!"Now here's joyous news for all the Environmentally concerned folk out there! It seems that maybe, just maybe, the Earth isn't getting warmer after all! Isn't that great! We won't need to cut back on our national production, or drive hybrids, or paste carbon credits in little books that you trade in for valuable prizes any more! You can put the shrimp back on the barbie and fire up t[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Claritin-D, For All Your Drug Manufacturing Needs I was feeling a bit ill this weekend, so I spent most of it on the couch watching the football games. Yes, it appears that after a blistering regular season I have run into a bit of a Schottenheimer Syndrome in dropping two out of my first four playoff picks. But we shall address that at another time. What I’d really like to talk about is everyone’s favorite hobby, manufacturing meth. Schering-Plough has been running a TV ad campaign showing healthy looking people hiking, rafting,[...] Source: The Frog Bog Pulling Mental Weeds I've added a new blog to the website, called "Pulling Mental Weeds." It's just another excuse to air my dirty mental laundy and free up some space in my noggin. It gets so stinkin' cluttered up there! Pulling Mental Weeds is a little different because the posts will all consist of poetry. So if that kind of thing bores you, then just stick around here. Here is an example of the kind of weeds I pull:Listening To Reason Hunched over in my bedroom, tears of pity drench my face.Wondering why I wear [...] Source: Seven Seeds What about "Crackers"? submitted by new contributor Harris BloomI see a whole new set of Beatitudes coming from this sign."Blessed are the Ruff Riders, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven...."Feel free to post your own in the comments section.And I'm also unsure of the fundamental differences between a "Ruff Neck" and a "Ruff Rider". If someone could fill me in, I'd appreciate it. I mean, how embarrassing would it be to mistake those two at a fancy dinner party or something?------------------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs How to embrace Minnesota With the exception of a few minor embarrassments such as Jesse Ventura, Vikings football and the fact that we’ve become known as the gay bathroom sex capital of the world, Minnesota is a pretty nifty place. And one reason is that Minnesota has a lot to offer, such as our beautiful 10,000 lakes, our stellar medical industry and our ginormous mall - formally known as the “Mall of Holy crap, this place is so frikken huge you’ll have to walk 8 miles just to shop at 4 different stor[...] Source: Central Snark Nintendo Wii is the Devil’s Tool My vacation over Christmas was pretty enjoyable; it was nice to be outside and not have to worry about shoveling my car out of snow. Plus I got to spend some quality time with my nephew and his new favorite thing, his Nintendo Wii. I would also like to report that I am physically in the worst condition of my entire life. The Nintendo Wii operates like a physical torture device asking you to use muscle movements that you don’t use in any type of workout or in your daily routine. I think I am one[...] Source: Pointless Banter Nintendo Wii is the Devil’s Tool My vacation over Christmas was pretty enjoyable; it was nice to be outside and not have to worry about shoveling my car out of snow. Plus I got to spend some quality time with my nephew and his new favorite thing, his Nintendo Wii. I would also like to report that I am physically in the worst condition of my entire life. The Nintendo Wii operates like a physical torture device asking you to use muscle movements that you don’t use in any type of workout or in your daily routine. I think I am one[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Temperal Lobe Epilepsy Edition) Joan of Arc presents “Voices in a Field” (circa 1424) –> Slide 3 in field heard voice of St. Michael, St. Catherine, St. Margaret they told me to drive out the English bring Dauphin to Reims for coronation and to wear asbestos armor, whatever that is. Joseph Smith presents “Correct church” (circa 1819) –> Slide 5 in grove of trees God and Jesus appeared to me told me no established church was correct I should join none of them and also, go treasure h[...] Source: The Skwib The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Temporal Lobe Epilepsy Edition) Joan of Arc presents “Voices in a Field” (circa 1424) –> Slide 3 in field heard voice of St. Michael, St. Catherine, St. Margaret they told me to drive out the English bring Dauphin to Reims for coronation and to wear asbestos armor, whatever that is. Joseph Smith presents “Correct church” (circa 1819) –> Slide 5 in grove of trees God and Jesus appeared to me told me no established church was correct I should join none of them and also, go treasure h[...] Source: The Skwib Hola gato! So Mikka forwards me an article about how they’re going to be marketing Hello Kitty to young males in Japan and eventually the US, with some obvious changes. I’m one step ahead of this trend, however, as I’m working to put out a line of clothing called “Hello Clitty.” And also I’m presenting the first great catch phrase of 2008: VAGINOMITE! (rhymes with Dyn-o-mite) And you have to say it like Jimmie J.J. Walker’s character in Good Times said his catchp[...] Source: Renal Failure For My Arch Enemy Jenée... ....and Romhell, Abeyta, Princess Normal, Copscotch, Chilidog, Stanhope, Louis CK, Laphboy, CatheB, klownhuntr, Baldguy, Slaight and many others. Romhell was recently at Coconuts in Clearwater, Florida and found this picture of me and Steve Marmel side by side... ..secretly planning the demise of the other.Not really but it would be perfect if these were put up during the Wired For Laughs feud between me and him, when he threatened to throw me out of his house if I showed my face.In 1999 comics [...] 'Twas The Night Before Road Trip ‘Twas the night before road trip,And all through the houseThe rooms were all littered withEvery sock, shoe and blouse.Suitcases were stuffed‘Til they threatened to burstExcitement was building.This trip was our first.Prescott children,Too hyped up to sleep,Gathered round in my bedroomLike a herd of sheep.“When are we leaving?”One child asked with a whine.“In the morning,” I answered,“At a quarter to nine.”After many stern warnings,The kids stayed in bedWhile Dad and I packed,‘Til our eyes turned[...] Source: Seven Seeds Co-Captain's Log 3:15 pm: We are going after all! Dad’s eye is doing much better and we are on the road. First stop, the dog kennels to drop off Dakota. Marlie is having severe separation anxiety over leaving her at the kennel. The manager informs me that the rate is higher due to her lack of rabies shots…twenty dollars per day higher. I’ll not be mentioning that detail to Daniel. He might just feel inclined to put her out on the street. We have only been in the car for fifteen minutes and have already been thro[...] Source: Seven Seeds Day One, The Fun Has Just Begun! Here we are in beautiful Gilbert, Arizona, with the best family anyone could ever ask for! How many people do you know who would welcome nine extra people into their home right after recovering from Christmas chaos and right after returning from deployment in Afghanistan? Only my Aunt Danielle and Uncle Jim, that I know of!Of course, they do have six kids and twenty one grand kids who are here all the time, so what's another nine? To them, it's just more fun to be had! Never mind the broken orna[...] Source: Seven Seeds Kissing "Normalcy" Goodbye Alienated. That is the only word that I can come up with. It is the only word that describes the way I feel when I'm not surrounded by people like my family. It is how I feel when I'm in my hometown and almost every other town. It is a weird feeling to walk into the grocery store and be stared at by everyone else, because I have seven kids in tow. It is strange to pull into the pick up line at school and hear the principal call out,"Prescott Bus!" All of the other moms look as we drive by, no do[...] Source: Seven Seeds THE RUG Okay, as promised, here is the story of "THE RUG."While staying at my uncle's house, we were not made to feel like we normally do at a lot of other people's houses. By "normally" I mean, walking on eggshells for fear that one of our demon spawn will offend someone or destroy something. This was not the case at all. In fact, every time I tried to clean up after Ella's make up disasters or reprimand Phillip for drawing on my uncle's water jug with a Sharpee pen, I was told to relax. So I did. I re[...] Source: Seven Seeds My Abhorration For Regurgitation What's gross?A child who pukes up her undigested dinner.What's grosser than gross?The fact that the family dog was napping by her when she puked, and eneded up acting as the catch all for said dinner.As I clean vomit out of the dog's long, newly groomed fur, the thought hits me: We are now experiencing the flu season. Ugh! I despise flu season. Ella was the first to be hit tonight, and I'm sure there will be many who follow suit. What worries me is the fact that we shared a drink at lunch today.[...] Source: Seven Seeds Snips, Snails and Holes In The Head Those of you that know me, know that I'm a bit squeamish about injuries. If I see my children's' blood, I want to call 911. If I see my own blood, I pass out.So you can imagine that when my five year old walked up to me with a pencil sticking straight out of his forehead, I was a wee bit disconcerted. Okay, I totally freaked out. I grabbed him and ran to the bathroom, trying to stifle my screams of horror. The pencil lead was already loose and came out when I tried to remove the pencil. Great, s[...] Source: Seven Seeds My Unprofessional Opinion Oh man. I just watched the season premier of Super Nanny. While the first family provided me with much laughter via their thick southern accents and wirey little grandma, the laughter soon faded as I watched the next family's story unfold.A few thoughts on the Chapman family, from my perspective:1. They need more help than just a few weeks with a nanny can provide. (I could also use some deeper therapy, and will be the first to admit that.)2. Those teenagers are not being treated as such, and it[...] Source: Seven Seeds In The Hot Seat And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... An Interview With Myself.Many people ask me questions like, "Did you choose to have so many kids?" and "Are you nuts?"I've decided, in the best interest of time, to answer those questions here, in a mock interview. I will ask the questions and also answer them. This works out pretty well because I don't have to be fearful of any surprise questions that I'm not prepared to answer, and end up making me look like an idiot. Actually, I'll probably e[...] Source: Seven Seeds Epiphany Of The Day Today I am minus two kids, and it feels damn good. I miss them and all, but I do not the miss constant bickering and mind boggling messes that seven kids who are house bound, will make. I decided to seize the opportunity to go grocery shopping with the remaining five, since we are tired of eating cat food casserole (hey, at least its a food product!)So I loaded up the kids and off we went. The trip was a nice respite from the usual trips when I have them all in tow. Sure, they begged for stuff a[...] Source: Seven Seeds Rules Of The Game January 15th marks ten years of being with Daniel. Our wedding anniversary is not until July, but I still remember this date. Why? Because it was the first day of the rest of our lives together. It is also the first day that he began his formal e |