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Archive for 1/13/2008 to 1/20/2008Saturday Evening Post: The "Real Man" AwardA lot of 'Real Men' inventiveness is not always recognized and appreciated in our daily lives. My wife for example, has never understood that having my clothes spread out on the floor of the bedroom not only makes it a lot easier to color-coordinate my next day's ensemble, but that the added floor insulation helps keep our heating costs lower.Thus saving the Planet.I believe therefore that sometimes its important to pause and recognize Man-itude at its Testi-best.So I hereby declare the guys i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing...  The Lost Year As I drank my coffee creamer and choked down my Tums this morning, I felt the weight of how busy my life has become. Managing the family store, going to seminary, home-schooling the kids, writing 2 blogs, pastoring a new church, adoring my beautiful wife, and praying for the end of the Hollywood writers’ strike so I can have fresh episodes of The Office again. Not enough hours in the day. I found myself wishing I could get back The Lost Year.The Lost Year. It started in May 2004 and lasted...a y[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!This Weekender Offender is dedicated to the late, great Jim Morrison, the Lizard King himself, as well as Stephanie, the winner of my "Weekender Offender" award because of her neglecting to mention that baking soda will scrub the ick off after visiting my blog!!Go visit Stephanie over at her place and play Candyland with her!Now then, I owe a big thank you for everyone who participated in "Guess My Offense"!! It was not only fun to put together, but e[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Short Attention Span Topics #17 Thanks to Chris C of Angry Seafood for doing an outstanding Job keeping things alive here at RL. I’ve been otherwise occupied here for a bit. Here are some links that I’ve taken way too long in offering to you. Check them all out. Humor Links Political Humor → IMAO discovers the secret Fred Phelps edition of the Bible. Lesson Learned → Naomi Dunford tells the Moral Of The Story: Topless Edition (With Photos!). Taking a Stand → The Ominous Comma Urges us to just s[...] Venetian tries to speak Martian without success -Day 19. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.- George CarlinVenetian Bee [calling husband while on his way home]:Babe, can you fix my windshield wipers, they're frozen to the windshield. I was afraid to pull them too hard in case they broke. Cars in the garage..Martian Andy:Sure.[next scene Andy walks in to get Bee's car keys, Bee confused as to why he needs them but at the same time not confused becasue she knows her man oh so well].Andy:Did they make any noise?.Bee:[...] Source: Bee's Musings Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? More Saints, Theologians, and Hierarchs Respond It's the Spouse of the Ironic Catholic (sic) here, filling in for the Ironic Catholic, who is lost somewhere under an avalanche of paperwork. I've been asked to continue yesterday's theme, but being something of a traditionalist on the question of chickens, I think I'll stick with the original question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" The Communion of Saints (as well as a few elements of the Church's hierarchy), weighs in:Teilhard de Chardin:The chicken was pursuing a teleological upsurge [...] Source: The Ironic Catholic Best 30 bucks I ever spent. One thing you don't want to see two days before you leave on a trip is your cat dragging his raw ass across your rug. OK, granted, you probably don't want to see that ever, but two days before a trip it's extra-special, in that "Great. WTF is wrong with the cat's ass and how can we get him to the vet before we leave" kind of way.We managed to take him to the vet this morning and now I'm waiting to go pick him up. It turns out he had to have his anal glands expressed.Before I read that article, I[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch The Real Sarah Connor Chronicles In honor of the new Sarah Connor Chronicles TV show, here’s a look at the love that can exist between a man, a woman, and a machine… The Terminator Spoof Trailer “Cyborgs Don’t Feel Pain. I do.” One of the funnier re-cut trailers I’ve seen. Poke Tags: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The Terminator, parody, funny, video, Poke, The Poke Show Save The World, Ride A Robot At Humor Blogs. [...] Source: The Poke Show Rickey's Friday Roundup It’s the terminal day of the week and Rickey feels like posting some links for your his own damn personal amusement (and, possibly, yours). This is part of a twofold strategy consisting of educating you, the reader, as much as possible, but doing so in the least intellectually taxing manner in the process. So here are a few items of interest that you may have missed while attempting to drive your way home through a snowstorm while sporting a tuxedo and a grim smile:A good buddy tipped Rickey off[...] Source: Riding With Rickey it’s official. i’m hot. eff, i love the internet. i think i’ve finally found the antidote for my suppressed adult ADD. as long as the web continues to exist, blog fodder will never be in short supply. here’s the most recent source of my amusement - hot or not. i was bored so i decided to put my picture up just to see what would happen. in about eight hours i got the following in a email: “whoa!” i thought. apparently, a certain percentage of 192 voters agree. i’m hotter than 98% of the wo[...] Source: leighonline it’s official. i’m hot. eff, i love the internet. i think i’ve finally found the antidote for my suppressed adult ADD. as long as the web continues to exist, blog fodder will never be in short supply. here’s the most recent source of my amusement - hot or not. i was bored so i decided to put my picture up just to see what would happen. in about eight hours i got the following in a email: “whoa!” i thought. apparently, a certain percentage of 192 voters agree. i’m hotter than 98% of the wo[...] Source: leighonline It's Official: I Regret It Sadly, Sparrow's insult to my manhood took first place this week. Sparrow, you may display the prestigious In Your Face award:In second place was Brad's caption:All were in agreement that this was the weakest "Celebrity Jeopardy" in recent memory.And in third, Rickey Henderson with:"But, my fellow Americans, what differentiates me from my competitors is that, unlike Congressman Diesel, I can unhinge my jaw and swallow my prey whole."This was my most popular contest yet, with over 160 captions [...] Special Kind of Uncle You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home. So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblin[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Special Kind of Uncle You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home. So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblin[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Special Kind of Uncle You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home. So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblin[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Special Kind of Uncle You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home. So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblin[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Don't Go There "Pretty sure it's just a sinus infection.But, just to be on the safe side, I'd like tocheck it out from a different direction."Well I for one am not going to take this sitting down!In March, a law suit will be placed before the New York Supreme court by attorneys of a Mr. Brian Persaud who is suing a New York Hospital. I hesitate to even mention the reason for this suit, but I feel there's an issue of public interest that needs to be uncovered here. Although I've never been one to intrude, or to[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... The Lost PowerPoint Slides (The Model Parliament Edition) Edward I presents “Hammering Scots is Expensive” (circa 1295) –> Slide 3 the War Wolf largest trebuchet ever built but it can hurl 300 lb stones a great distance even Scots afraid of it but dear, so I’ll call Parliament to get taxes. Edward I presents “Parliament Summons” (circa 1295) –> Slide 1 what touches all should be approved by all common dangers met by common agreement. Edward I presents “Parliament Summons” (circa 1295) &#[...] Source: The Skwib The Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest, Part, Um, Deux Plus One Dear Howie Long (ex-NFL player and current CBS football analyst), Your manliness impresses me most impressively. Your rugged good looks and muscular frame make you a natural for television commercials, I am quite sure. But please, Howie, please, just take a peek in a dictionary the next time you try to use a 75 cent word. The Giants did not let Ryan Grant go to the Packers for next to nothing because they had a ”dearth” of running backs. I didn’t recall any of the announcer[...] Source: The Frog Bog Bow Chicka Bow Bow! submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownAnd all God's women said.......Amen.-------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownNear to shopping and good schools?---------------------------------------------submitted/asst. reviewed by Duane BrownJimmy, you're in charge of hellfire and brimstone this year. Can you handle that?!?------------------------------------------"God plus one is the majority."submitted by new contributor Ty Maier[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Be Nice Editor’s Note: cleaning out the queue(ueueue?) in order to make room for new posts can be such fun. Never more so than when we virtually trip over something we’d completely forgotten about thanks to a variety of Unfortunate Incidents, The Holidays, and/or Other Stuff We Can’t Recall But Were Surely Important, Shirley. This, of course, is our way of apologizing in advance for the following — which is a missive we wrote months ago. That doesn’t mean it’s not fun[...] Source: Central Snark Obi Wan Kenobi; You're My Only Hope. This morning I wanted to head over to the humor blogs website to see how I'm ranked (usually somewhere between 35 and 65). When I dropped in I saw a stack of unintelligible data.Then I suddenly felt implanted into a Nancy Drew novel as there was a warning followed by an intriguing invitation, "An unhandled exception occurred during the execution of the current web request. Please review the stack trace for more information about the error and where it originated in the code. "Oh. That's optimist[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Excruciating Album Cover Art: From Looking Hard Pressed Featuring freakish kewpie dolls on the misguided cover of “From Looking Hard Pressed”, you have to wonder why the British hardcore punk band, 1892 in Association Football, didn’t call themselves Freakish Kewpie Dolls, because that would be a much cooler name. It’s also a wonder how their fans didn’t end up calling the album “Good for One Drink”, as it appears so prominently on the cover, and is also one of the tracks on the 1982 album, recorded entir[...] Source: The Skwib Writing Prompts for the Not-So-Prompt There comes a time in every blogger’s life when having answered every email, researched every YouTube video, and basically exhausted every imaginable resource, he finds himself* in the desperate position of actually having to write. If you are a stranger to the delightful world of wordcraft, perhaps spending your time on more respectable and rewarding occupations like say, Roadside Carcass Removal, you might believe that those who call themselves writers would have long ago resigned themselves [...] Source: The Ominous Comma I Heart Potatoes Potato salad anyone? Today we have two new additions to the Food That Looks Like Stuff collection, submitted by a colleague whose husband thought she was nuts for photographing a heart-shaped potato. Until he found another one just like it and wanted to get in the game. Here we have the first ever husband-and-wife team submission called Two of Hearts. Thanks Maryann and Frank! When I saw I was getting potatoes that looked like stuff, I dusted off a potato picture of my own tha[...] Source: The Junk Drawer I Heart Potatoes Potato salad anyone? Today we have two new additions to the Food That Looks Like Stuff collection, submitted by a colleague whose husband thought she was nuts for photographing a heart-shaped potato. Until he found another one just like it and wanted to get in the game. Here we have the first ever husband-and-wife team submission called Two of Hearts. Thanks Maryann and Frank! When I saw I was getting potatoes that looked like stuff, I dusted off a potato picture of my own tha[...] Source: The Junk Drawer I Heart Potatoes Potato salad anyone? Today we have two new additions to the Food That Looks Like Stuff collection, submitted by a colleague whose husband thought she was nuts for photographing a heart-shaped potato. Until he found another one just like it and wanted to get in the game. Here we have the first ever husband-and-wife team submission called Two of Hearts. Thanks Maryann and Frank! When I saw I was getting potatoes that looked like stuff, I dusted off a potato picture of my own tha[...] Source: The Junk Drawer I Heart Potatoes Potato salad anyone? Today we have two new additions to the Food That Looks Like Stuff collection, submitted by a colleague whose husband thought she was nuts for photographing a heart-shaped potato. Until he found another one just like it and wanted to get in the game. Here we have the first ever husband-and-wife team submission called Two of Hearts. Thanks Maryann and Frank! When I saw I was getting potatoes that looked like stuff, I dusted off a potato picture of my own tha[...] Source: The Junk Drawer We’ll put you down for “other” I was listening to NPR today, specifically the This American Lisp program, when I get a phone call from one of those pollsters. I’m not sure what polling organization he was representing, but I’m sure it didn’t matter. Anyway, he asks me who I’m voting for in this year’s Presidential Election. “Um, I was just going to wait until the primaries were over,” I say. “No use in picking someone now who might not be in the running come November.”[...] Source: Renal Failure The "Guess My Offense" Offensive So today as I was reminiscing over my rather unique childhood, I realized just how many offenses I committed (and most importantly, got away with) before I became old enough to even buy porn and cigarettes. Boy, do I miss those days! Don't you?Of course you do! Now, I don't know about you, but some of my offenses were so great and so brilliant (and since the statute of limitations on most of them has recently passed) I feel that they are seriously overdue some well deserved recognition! So I dec[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Paris Hilton, bacon, and my fried brain I spent my day thinking about the ability of ice cream-centered restaurant chains to broaden their customer bases so they can boost revenue growth. That fried my brain so bad that I spend my evening wrapping Paris Hilton with bacon.Naturally, my brain won't even let me think about writing a decent blog post. So I'm afraid you're left with the product of my evening.Enjoy!Heaven help me. I don't even want to think about what kind of creepy people Google will lead to my site now. I'm already tops f[...] Source: Dorky Dad I'll take one for the team! Day 18. Money is not the most important thing in the world, love is. Fortunately, I love money.- AnonymousSo...I heard in the news, that people can get sick from handling money due to the fact that germs and bacteria live on paper and coins with no way to disinfect them. I, as a public servant, will make it my mission (I know what you're thinking "another mission Bee? Your selflessness in serving humanity equals Tom Cruise's intense desire to help the world heal itself thru scientology, our hero[...] Source: Bee's Musings Save Journeyman! I just learned from Slippy Lane that NBC is planning to cancel Journeyman, which I find astounding. Evidently what we need more than an intelligently written and well acted show with compelling characters and original plot lines is American Gladiators and The Singing Bee. Give me a freaking break.If you haven't watched Journeyman, you should. It's not a flashy show with a lot of big names or explosions, but it's one of those shows where, ten minutes into the first episode, you think to yourse[...] No, really... it wasn't me! So this morning I walk into the mens' room in our office building and BAM! - I hit a wall that stopped me dead in my tracks.Not a physical wall of course, but an olfactory wall that said, "Whoa... the guy before you must have had some bad chili last night!"I'm not kidding, it was horrendous - or as my dad is fond of saying, "...enough to gag a maggot!" But I really had to pee so I had no other choice than to hold my breath, do my business and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.Except [...] Source: View From The Cloud Assman’s Balloon — Giant Floating Rubber with Payload “A German meteorologist named Assman improved on the concept by using closed rubber balloons that would burst at high altitude, with the payload parachuting back down to earth.” –Greg Gobel, Pioneering the Balloon Too many jokes… About to assplode … Watch out for the payload! More excellent photos at the Library of Congress Flickr Pages. More “ass” “men” at humor-blogs.com Share [...] Source: The Skwib Word Association calamityjanewomannakedbedsexecstasydrugsheroinemethspiritsoulidentitycrisisavertedeyeshaverelationswifeexhusbandblowballoontitsknockersbigdogstylenudefuntickleteasestrippaperthinhairpubicclitorislickyumcumcondomnowayeveryonenightmovesrighthandjobgreatfuckcrapcupjuicebabydaddycomplexinferiorityfemalefeminineclothingclothesfreelancedancequeenmenboytoyplaynippleteatsuckyeahgiveofferintercoursehardcorebangfringetopofballsitchbitchstitchonbackmassagechairbarebreastsboobsawesomesplendidsugarkisspucker[...] Source: The Poke Show Send in the Clones The shape of things to come?After a seven year study, the US Food and Drug Administration (motto: "We're still not sure about aspirin") has determined that food from cloned animals is safe for the US market place. Actually the way they put it was that they "found no special risks"; which to mind isn't quite the same. I'm still wondering about any of the run-of-the mill risks they've found.The FDA made the bold and uncharacteristically timely statement even though cloned livestock isn't readily[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... The cat is on the roof...and so is my patience These days it seems like I'm doing nothing but trying to get a single document that I need to apply for Spanish citizenship, and I feel like one of these characters in an adventure video game that gets sent from one place to another, then back to the first again, and still I have nothing to show for it. Treasure hunting in Zelda may be just as twisted, but at least it's a lot more fun. When I started this whole thing, I got all my papers together and it looked like everything was in order, but[...] Source: The Rain in Spain... Cooking With Rickey: Rickey's Unabashedly Irish Stew *Note, you can find this recipe posted at the RwR sister site, that wondrous platform for those looking to sound off on all things culinary, Adam’s Rib.Being a northeasterner by trade, Rickey rather enjoys the wintery months and has come to expect a seasonal chill in the air from November through March. Therefore, when the jet stream goes all wonky and it’s suddenly 60 degrees in January, Rickey gets very confused and angry and decides that corrective action must be taken. And what is that corre[...] Source: Riding With Rickey The Carnival of Satire (#92) Welcome to the travel edition of the Carnival of Satire. We haven’t been on a plane for a few months, so we were surprised to see the new overflow seating policy of Air Canada. (Pictured to the left.) Chris Christensen starts off this fortnight’s satire with these 7 Outrageous Predictions for Travel in 2008. Madeleine Begun Kane takes us on a poetical politics ride with this funny A Liar’s Haiku and a limerick crying for sanity: Dear Editor: Enough With The Polls, Already![...] Source: The Skwib Mixed Messages submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownI'll come back when everybody's on the same page...Joel's Note: Guess which one is a quote from the Bible! Guess why the other sign decided to contradict a direct quote from the Bible! (I can only answer one of those two...).--------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownPaper or plastic?----------------------------------------------"Happy is the nation whose God is the Lord"[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Let Him Eat Cake PERHAPS you’ve forgotten — seeing’s how we’ve never bothered to share this info in the past– but the oldest (ripest?) fruit of our womb has a birthday coming up next week. Needless to say, we’re approaching Celebratory Panic Mode, as we scramble to re-wrap the Christmas gifts he’s yet to open (don’t ask, it’s a long story and we’re short on time) and attempt to coax him into telling us what flavor of cake he’d like. Mind you, we a[...] Source: Central Snark Love Finnish Style: Part 3 Bernie and I are defending Mikka’s decision not to introduce his girlfriend Samurai Cathy to his friends all at once. Samurai Cathy’s rival Ninja Vicki doesn’t seem to, or want to, buy that explanation. “Introducing your significant other to your friends is a huge step,” I say. “You just don’t rush into doing that.” “And you just don’t throw all your friends at your girl at once,” says Bernie. “Lord knows Marlie didn’[...] Source: Renal Failure The sad, sad truth about cold medicine I've got a cold this week. Why? Because the Earth currently revolves around the sun, and whenever the Earth revolves around the sun, I have some sort of ailment.As such, our home has an amazing amount of bathroom cabinet space. We have a double vanity in the master bathroom, along with a medicine cabinet plus nice cabinets in both of our other two bathrooms. Each of them is filled to overflowing with cold, allergy and cough medicine, sometimes two, three or four packs each. And each of those has[...] Source: Dorky Dad Irresistible Meme -Day 17. A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. - Leopold Stokowski..So... Frogster had an interesting meme:The Band Meme. This what you do. As you'll see, mine came out pretty cool!1. Click on this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random . The first article title on the page is the name of your band.2. Click on this link. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 . The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.3. Cli[...] Source: Bee's Musings Rebel Without a Pond. How does looking at that picture make you feel; seeing that portly amphibian just sitting there on his trusty motorcycle without a care in the world? I’m guessing that 9 out of 10 of you looking at that image will smile, maybe even force a hoot out of your upper orifice, but you’d be wrong to do so. Actually I’d go as far as saying its prejudice to laugh at or mock a frog on a bike. And here’s my reasoning. You’ve probably all heard of evolution; the act of developing certain phys[...] Source: Muramusu's Weblog The "Oh, Bloody Hell!!" Offensive Women are so misunderstood!!That's right, I am going there, and I'm taking you with me! I know... men like to get all offended and pretend that they are the victims in their imaginary 'battle of the sexes'. I also know that they really do believe that they are the ones who are misunderstood, mistreated, and misdiagnosed as complete idiots who can't tie their shoes without a woman's help.As much as I love men, (and find them useful for things ranging from shoveling snow to killing spiders), they [...] Source: The Offended Blogger Poke Porn Vol. 2 — Free Porn For Men Why do men like porn? It’s a question that has haunted us since the dawn of time…which, as it were, coincided with the dawn of porn. Studies have shown that men seek out porn because they seek comfort. Either their current sexual relationship or their previous sexual relationships do or did not provide them with the comfort they need or needed. They basically seek comfort in a woman who will never scold them for drinking too much, make them take out the trash, or get mad at them for [...] Source: The Poke Show Mattress Police News Briefs #4 This morning the following headline popped up on Yahoo:Castro says he's too unhealthy to speakI couldn't help but laugh at the poor sick bastard. I'm sorry, what was that you said? Something about being too wealthy to pee? Could you speak up a little?I delved a little deeper and found another article headlined "Castro looks frail, alert in new photos." I guess that beats looking robust but addled like Paula Abdul. I wish I could manage looking alert in photos. I always seem to look a littl[...] Screaming Memes Today I'm responding to being "tagged" by DorwseyMonkey with a "meme". I'm sure a lot of you know all about these things, but this is my first one. Having looked into them now, I can assure you that receiving a tag from a blogging friend is more or less like getting the Black Spot from a pirate acquaintance. While I would normally prefer to slide down a rough-sawn cedar pole naked, I've decided to comply with this meme for two reasons:One, It doesn't ask you to provide a bunch of personal inform[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Smile, darn you!! submitted by Katherine Trexler, NCAnd considering where they're going, they should be the most cheerful and happy people that die.--------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownEvil has a new name -- and it isn't afraid to use it!Joel's Note: George be nimble,George B. Quick,Your sign person tempts me to throw a brick.-------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownWe voted on it, and it was really clo[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Being, Nothingness and The Band Meme Kuanyin left on comment on my last post asking if I did memes and tagging me if I did. My response was to shout at my monitor, curl up in a fetal position, suck my thumb for 30 minutes then throw my computer out the window. After I went out and bought a replacement computer, I took a look at her meme. I dig her blog, it’s the least I can do. And the meme is a breeze. Anyone can do it in like ten seconds. Phew. Here’s the scoop: The Band Meme 1. Click on this link. http://en.w[...] Source: The Frog Bog Your Almighty Update You know what we really like? We like dwelling in an area of NY in which, at any moment, minor celebrity Stephen Baldwin could dart out of the bushes and take pictures of our license plates. And then identify us in the local newspapers. Indeed, according to this article, the born again and supporting actor in "The Usual Suspects" is on some kind of crusade. And like any decent crusade worth it's salt, this one is based on woefully unsound doctrine and general theological quackery. Read onw[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Hey wait, I know this one... Fun fun fun!I can't think of anything I enjoy more than frustrating the hell out of my readers... except maybe dressing up like that creepy Burger King guy and waiting in my bed for my wife at night. No really, she loves it.Anyway, because last month's Hey wait, I know this one was such a blast I'm back with a whole new one to test your knowledge of old TV show theme songs once again.And just like last time, what I'm going to do here is post 10 classic TV show theme songs, and you get to guess w[...] Source: View From The Cloud Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t believe they exist. Now that is a rat. From the New Scientist story: A 1-tonne rodent has been discovered by scientists in Uruguay. But there is no need to worry, Josephoartigasia monesi is around 2 million years old and fossilized. By comparing the skull’s dimensions to the body sizes of existing rodents, the researchers determined that its owner probably weighed about 1000 kilograms, making it the world’s largest known rodent. Bigger, even, than Walt Disney. We’re not sure these guys exist eithe[...] Source: The Skwib Strange Book Titles The other day I bought a book because of its title. Oh unclench, it’s not like I judged it by its cover! I actually did take the time to string a few letters (34) together. It occurred to me that the name of the book is the first thing you see, unless you are looking at a book that you keep secretly stored under a lose floorboard in your bedroom. Anywho the book I bought carried the fascinating title of “A short history of Tractors in Ukranian”. I was pretty sure I’d never read it, having little[...] Source: Central Snark Love Finnish Style: Part 2 We return to our guy’s night out at the Bass-to-Bass already in progress… “So, all you guys do is watch movies and make out?” says Anonymous Doug. “Well, there’s not much else we can do,” says Mikka. “My job sucks, and she barely pays the rent being a ronin for hire. So we either have to wait for free events in town, or just have our movie nights.” “That doesn’t so bad,” I say. “Just as long as she’s got good tas[...] Source: Renal Failure Seeking the dork vote Note: I have a strict no-politics rule on my blog, and plan on keeping it that way. However, exceptions must be made.The following is an actual conversation I had during an actual phone call during an actual day (today). Everything is correct, with the possible exception of my own responses, which have been slightly exaggerated. And by exaggerated, I mean completely made up. I had to make them up because my actual responses were dull as dry toast with no butter that's been sitting out for two da[...] Source: Dorky Dad My Co-Worker Farts I have a co-worker who farts. Well, not in the conventional sense. She doesn’t fart, but her shoes do. Apparently Dr. Scholl’s makes a product called Massaging Gel Insoles that are supposed to provide added support and comfort to your feet all day long. Slip them in your shoes and you’re Ginger Rogers. The problem, she says, is they’re made of plastic. Plastic makes your feet sweat. Sweaty feet make farting noises when you walk. We always know when she’s coming bec[...] Source: The Junk Drawer My Co-Worker Farts I have a co-worker who farts. Well, not in the conventional sense. She doesn’t fart, but her shoes do. Apparently Dr. Scholl’s makes a product called Massaging Gel Insoles that are supposed to provide added support and comfort to your feet all day long. Slip them in your shoes and you’re Ginger Rogers. The problem, she says, is they’re made of plastic. Plastic makes your feet sweat. Sweaty feet make farting noises when you walk. We always know when she’s coming bec[...] Source: The Junk Drawer My Co-Worker Farts I have a co-worker who farts. Well, not in the conventional sense. She doesn’t fart, but her shoes do. Apparently Dr. Scholl’s makes a product called Massaging Gel Insoles that are supposed to provide added support and comfort to your feet all day long. Slip them in your shoes and you’re Ginger Rogers. The problem, she says, is they’re made of plastic. Plastic makes your feet sweat. Sweaty feet make farting noises when you walk. We always know when she’s coming bec[...] Source: The Junk Drawer My Co-Worker Farts I have a co-worker who farts. Well, not in the conventional sense. She doesn’t fart, but her shoes do. Apparently Dr. Scholl’s makes a product called Massaging Gel Insoles that are supposed to provide added support and comfort to your feet all day long. Slip them in your shoes and you’re Ginger Rogers. The problem, she says, is they’re made of plastic. Plastic makes your feet sweat. Sweaty feet make farting noises when you walk. We always know when she’s coming bec[...] Source: The Junk Drawer Sketchgasm!!! An Ejaculation of Internet Sketch Comedy #4 “Sketchgasm!!! An Ejaculation of Internet Sketch Comedy” is a series wherein I link to sketch comedy videos from around the internet that I deem worthy. If you’d like to submit a sketch to be featured, by all means contact me. I do love a good scandal. Recently little Jamie Lynn Spears got knocked up. Then sketch comedy group Good Neighbor turned tabloid and got Pregnant Jamie Lynn to speak out. And you know I love Canadian sketch comedy. Air Farce Live sends up Bill Gates in M[...] Source: The Poke Show Narrow is the road... submitted by new contributor Dave AndersonAlso:It's Elohim or an ion beam.It's Adonai or the evil eye.Feel free to add your own in the comments section...EDIT: Diesel says "It's the Lord of Lords or the waterboard" Rickey goes mythological on us and says "It's Zeus or Zip it!"Bruce says "El Shaddai or a poke in the eye."Duane says "It's Jesuit or lose it"Suhayla says "It's the Good Book or a right hook"Nic says " It's Jehovah or it's over. "-----------------------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The Maltese Chicken (Conclusion) Let's get in the mood shall we?Think of a thrilling semi-patriotic orchestral piece, sort of like Raider's of the Lost Arc, but cheaper. Much cheaper. Maybe a three piece combo, or a guy with a zither. (My budget is pretty limited.)Deep voiced Announcer: Welcome to the exciting conclusion of....Don Lewis....CI!...in...The Devil Wears Dickies! Brought to you by Chesterfield cigarettes, a cigarette so smooth and so refreshing, that you'll die for another! Remember! Nine out of Ten Doctors recomm[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Internal Medicine A couple of months ago I went to my twentieth high school reunion. I hadn't seen most of these people since the day I accepted my diploma. One exception was a guy named...well, let's call him "Joe" in case he doesn't want to be discussed on a public blog. Anyway, I bumped into "Joe" several years ago on Bourbon Street in New Orleans around 11:45PM on New Years Eve. I don't know about him but we had been drinking since that morning so I didn't remember much about the encounter.So when I saw him a[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Professor Quippy: Blame the Pox on Columbus and Company Christopher Columbus has another credit to add to his impressive CV. Not only did he help spread smallpox to natives in the New World, new genetic research has proved he was guilty of spreading syphilis in Europe. Well, not just Columbus. From all accounts he wasn’t as randy as some of his Spanish sailors. At any rate, the first outbreak in Europe appeared in France troops besieging Naples in 1494. (The French king had hired a large number of poxy Spanish mercenaries to help with this w[...] Source: The Skwib Wherefore Art… Crummy Joel? Hey Snuppy. My grad school started tonight and I JUST got home, completely forgetting about the Snark and now I don’t have time/energy to write anything. I’m sorry but I won’t have anything today. I will try and post stuff earlier in the week to make my normal Tuesday appearance. It’s clear to me now that Monday nights just aren’t going to work out. So sorry… Your Friend in Crumminess ~ Joel Dear Crummiest of Crummy Joels: NO worries! Just because I have a ga[...] Source: Central Snark The Grey One Returneth The NSA couldn’t find him. MI6 gave up in despair. Even geographic legend Carmen Sandiego had no idea where in the world he was. But where they failed, the unstoppable might and devastatingly good taste of the Comma-reading horde has prevailed: Spooky has been found. In an event sure to sweep the dusty corridors of the blogosphere for years to come, the beloved animator has shown his grey countenance in public once again. The ramifications of this discovery are numerous and great, but the most [...] Source: The Ominous Comma Love Finnish Style: Part 1 So Mikka and Samurai Cathy have now been dating for about three weeks, and it’s still the most exciting social thing to happen to our little circle since we thought Tina the Lesbian was dating a women’s college basketball player. Turns out she wasn’t, she just likes going to women’s basketball games and supporting women’s collegiate sports in general. “So what have you two been doing?” I ask. It’s guy’s night out and we’re sitting tog[...] Source: Renal Failure The Artist Formerly Known As. A few years before my mother passed away, she gave us the scrapbooks she had kept when we were kids. They were full of our artwork and schoolwork from when we were in Kindergarten through 6th grade. Just about everything that went up on the refrigerator ended up in this book. I sorted through it the other night and picked out a few of my favorites. I was apparently big on drawing pictures of my family.I believe I can say with almost 100% certainty that the teacher forced us to do this.I say this[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Makes My Skin Crawl I admit that this post is random and meaningless, but it is uber freaky. No... It's down right disturbing.I was browsing for dorky apparel images (don't ask,) and this website was one of the results of my search. So I visited http://www.hemmy.net/ and this is what I found:"Nope, these are not real human skin but synthetic fiber to look like human skin. Definitely a worth buy for those who wants to show off unique products to their friends. You can buy the jacket and handbag for 600(USD 739) euro[...] Source: Seven Seeds Lack of Vision Newsflash:The kids broke my glasses three days ago. I have not gotten in to have them fixed, if they even can be fixed. I might just super glue the arm back on, if I get too desperate. For now though, I have a raging headache and eyeballs that refuse to cooperate with each other. If my posts start being illegible and extremely short, just know that it is due to my lack of vision. Not "vision", as in grand hopes for the future, but "vision" as in, "Dammit whoever you are, get back here! Just beca[...] Source: Seven Seeds I Miss My Orange Walls I miss our home. Yes, we still own a house. It is a beautiful, brand new house. But it will never be home to me. Of all the things I miss about our old home, I think I miss our orange walls the most. Everyone hated the color. They called it the pumpkin room. But I would sit in that room, soak in the vibrant hue of fall, and watch my kids playing in the humongous back yard that was their paradise. In the winter, we would sit in front of the fireplace and relax together. I would sit and nurse my b[...] Source: Seven Seeds Mental Weeding I'd really love a piece of your mind. Before you start leaving strings of written obscenities in the comment section, I'm talking about your opinion on my new blog. Go on over and visit http://www.mentalweeding.blogspot.com/ , when you get a second. I have only posted a few poems, so far. But I would like to know if it is crappy and uninteresting. Thanks for your cooperation! Here is a sampling of my material:Quite CertainOne thing is for certain...I'm intelligent, stupid,Exciting, a bore.Confid[...] Source: Seven Seeds Get It Together, Woman! I often find myself frantically searching for lost homework or missing shoes, cursing at my inability to be one of those "together" moms. In our house, things get lost, tossed and inadvertently eaten, on a daily basis. Organization is just not one of my strengths. When we had a special someone at our home for a few days, she helped us to realize that an organized home eliminates frustration and saves oodles of time. Yes, it stinks to sort through piles of papers and drawers full of odds and ends[...] Source: Seven Seeds Self Affliction At Its Finest For Thursday Thirteen, I'm going to berate myself. I compelled to do this for the fact that I did a horrible thing yesterday, and deserve the kind of punishment only I can bring on myself. So, here are my thirteen thoughts on why I suck as a human being. Feel free to add your own reasons in the comment section. Don't worry, you can do it anonymously, so you don't have to fear my vengeance.Thursday Thirteen: Why I suckI can be extremely self righteous, for no reason at all. I hurt the feelings of[...] Source: Seven Seeds Sunny Side Up It is with the warmth of the sun on my soul, that I write this morning. Forget the chocolate syrup that was poured on the run ten minutes ago. Forget that Aiden knows no other language than Whinese, this morning. I have solid proof that God has is not totally disgusted with me, after all.Life has not been all roses lately, and yesterday was the most difficult day I've had in quite awhile. For more insight, please click here. If that doesn't shed any light on my state of mind as of late, then it [...] Source: Seven Seeds Avoiding The Big Zap! It is Sunday, but I'm too scared to go to church. I'm afraid that if I even attempt to cross over the sacred threshold, God will strike me down as an example to others who poke fun of religious groups. Last night, as I said my bedtime prayers, all I could think of was my last post. It was my three hundredth post. My chance to write about something profound. What did I use it to do? I used it to bash every one's choice of religious following. What a piece!As I finished up my prayers, I approached[...] Source: Seven Seeds Poll Results Thank you to all who participated in the religion poll. I enjoy knowing my readers' demographics. The results speak volumes about what kind of people take interest in my writing. It also leads me to believe the following:The only Latter Day Saints who I do not insult or repulse with my views and lack of shared religious beliefs are my family members. But I do have quite a brood, so I do score a few points with them. However, I drink coffee and wine, so that counteracts all points received from t[...] Source: Seven Seeds I've Still Got It! Things you never want to see your mother do:1. Give birth2. Wear a mini skirt3. Dance hip hop4. Pose for Playboy5. Lose bowel control in her old age6. Make out with your dadSo far, I've been able to spare my children five of the six items listed above. Care to take a stab at which I have done? Well, let's see...1. I still have bowel control (okay, there was that one time when I had food poisoning.)2. Not that I ever would, but Hugh Hefner would probably die of shock and disgust if I disrobed in [...] Source: Seven Seeds My One Desire I had written a post today about my desire to move. I chose to delete the post for personal reasons. But my feelings on the subject still hold true.I believe that a child has a chance of turning out to be a productive, well adjusted adult no matter where they are raised. My husband and I were both raised in low class neighborhoods, as young children, and still turned out fairly well. But I stand firm in the belief that it is my duty to give my children a safe place to grow up and play mates whos[...] Source: Seven Seeds At Least The Stench Is Gone It was time again for my weekly shower. The flies were starting to swarm so badly that I couldn't talk without inhaling one or two...hundred. Today would not allow for the completion of more than one big task, so I had to chose between grocery shopping and defunking myself. For fear that my husband would stop coming home from work, I decided to rid the house of my pungent odor. Shopping would just have to wait.Only Aiden and Hella (ooops...Ella) were awake. I popped in a video for Aiden and brib[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Voice Heard 'Round The World This entry is part of a writing prompt given by the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas. The assignment is to write about my silliest mom moment. I'm not sure if that means embarrassing silly, stupid silly or just plain "I hope nobody else saw me do that!" kind of silly. Being that I have daily moments of each brand of silly, I will do my best to pick one that best represents what I think they are looking for. Here goes:What could be worse than having your moment of unadulterated silliness broadcast on Nationa[...] Source: Seven Seeds Here comes the Swiss Army Dad I decided many years ago, during a temporary fit of insanity, that it would be a good idea to become a parent. At the time I figured that it would change me into a number of different things: responsible adult, a caring father, a firm hand, a provider and a protector.I had no idea I'd become a human plaything.These days I feel more like Richard Pryor in The Toy than I do Hugh Beaumont in Leave it to Beaver, an object to be pulled and twisted, ridden, swung from and climbed upon. Fathers are like[...] Source: Dorky Dad Cosmopolitan Plus Important Equals Cosmoportant I recently found a copy of Muramuselle’s Cosmopolitan magazine and started to flick through it. There was an interesting article called ‘How to Get Closer to Him’ in the Love and Lust section. It was a very interesting read, with lots of tips on how to please a man. For instance, one of the tips was: Why not buy him his favourite pizza and send it to his office. I thought: yeah nice idea but what if he’s a taxi or bus driver? Are you going to have the delivery boy chase him ar[...] Source: Muramusu's Weblog Ream My Meme. Listed on humor-blogs.com… Normally ignoring the trends of the interwebs with my blog…other than, you know, having a blog in the first place…I long ago swore that I would never do a meme. Or a mime, but that went out the window in university. I have an foolishly long list of blogs that I visit and atop that [...][...] Source: The Reasonable Ego You Can Keep the Beach The snow is falling in Southwest Ohio and I’m thrilled to be here instead of with you poor folks who have the misfortune of being on a beach somewhere. Give me the frigid Midwest any day – I hate all things balmy. This stems from the few times I have been to the beach. My experiences there have been characterized mainly by two things: sand-chafing and near-fatal sunburns. I’ll save the sand-chafing for another time.I was endowed by God with what some would call pasty-white skin. And actually, th[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing The "Slicksumbich" Offensive God, I love bloggers who know how to do it right!!I just have to share with you that I have never been more offended in all my blogging days than I was a couple of days ago!! That's right, and I am still smiling about it today. I will cherish the moment for the rest of my life!!Well, for at least a week, week and a half.OK, probably only until I finish typing this post and then I'll forget all about it and move on to something else since I am incredibly ADD. But still! Honestly though, it really[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Well, Folks, When You're Right 52% of the Time, You're Also Wrong 48% of the Time Yeah we know, why didn't Rickey say that before? No reason in particular. But bear in mind that even the most wizened sports commentators are rarely more than a few games over .500 in their NFL picks. So all things considered, Rickey is fairly content with his 2-2 prediction record from this past weekend. Hey, let’s see you try making football predictions in a season in which Eli, not Peyton, is the Manning son to advance to the Championship round. We’re just happy to live in a world in which Je[...] Source: Riding With Rickey The Maltese Chicken It was the kind of day that makes you glad it wasn't night. The hot Idaho sun was shining through the window of my corner office in the converted loft of my four-story round silo. The streaming rays highlighted the tiny motes of cow manure that danced like hoochy-koochy girls on a spot-lit stage at the Fat Man's nightclub. I was reading the funny papers, my feet up on the desk next to a pile of unpaid bills, empty bottles and a complete set of Dashiell Hammett.The rhythmic swish and clack of an [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Seeing right through Microsoft's window They say your eyes are the window to your soul.Microsoft however, has created a window to my anger.The other day I was attempting a huge file download and my browser session kept crashing (you can read about it here at Central Snark). Now I don't know about you, but when I'm having a problem with my Microsoft application, the last thing in the world I need is this window popping up with some phony concern about "Oh, please tell me what happened so I can improve blah blah blah." That just pisses [...] Source: View From The Cloud Out-Seducing Carmen Electra’s Seductive Seduction Suggestions Since The Fearless Frog (my financial alias) retired a week or so ago, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to once again serve the online community with generosity and fervor. I scoured the human psyche for that void, that need, that desire we all share. Then, while I was in line at the grocery store, it struck me. Every single magazine in the display rack advertised to us housewives out shopping that it was The Magazine with The Answer. The Answer was to the question of H[...] Source: The Frog Bog My Laptop Bluescreened While I Was Trying to Think of a Title So here's something you didn't know about me: I don't know jack about computers."Wait a minute," you say. "Aren't you, like, a computer programmer?"Ok, first of all, I'm a software developer. "Computer programmer" is a term left over from when computers were the size of a Greyhound bus and packed as much computing power as your curling iron. "Computer programmers" were people who huddled in a dark room feeding punchcards to a giant steel behemoth made of spinning dynamos and vacuum tubes. I[...] Do Not Pete Sake Me oh my darling The following is an absolutely true story. As far as you know. Normally there are very few things that get my goat, but last Friday my goat was got. I was sitting at my desk battling a software upgrade from hell. For whatever reason, my connection kept failing during a major file download and crashing my browser session. Things had gone from bad to worse and I was quickly getting fed up when my download errored for the third time. “Oh for Pete’s sakes!” I blurted out. ThatR[...] Source: Central Snark Man Watches The Hunt for Red October 42 Times, Decides It’s Not that Good LONDON, ONTARIO (The Skwib) — After only 13 days, Terry Bakker has abandoned his New Year’s Resolution to watch The Hunt for Red October every time it comes on TV. “I had no idea how often TBS, Spike and American Movie Classics play this God-damned movie,” an enraged Bakker told The Skwib. “I hate quitting anything, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to watch it 42 times. That averages to more than three times a day. On Saturday I had to wat[...] Source: The Skwib What do you give to someone who thinks of you as a lesser form of life? We’re not exactly sure when Bernie the Half-Cyborg cat’s birthday is, because cats don’t keep accurate birth records. So we celebrate his birthday on the first Friday in April. Sort of like how we celebrate Thanksgiving on the last Thursday of November. I started shopping for him now, while the thought of his birthday was fresh in my mind. But it’s hard to buy things for a half-cyborg cat. Bernie has a job and can buy his own kitty toys and catnip. I thought about get[...] Source: Renal Failure Explain The Dead Thing To Me Again My father used to say, “Live every day as if it's your last.” So does that mean I’d be picking out a coffin, a headstone, and talking to a mortician? Or that I’d wake up thinking Today is my last day on earth? Then the next day I’d get up and say what? “Shit, I just blew yesterday.”I’d rather be cremated than have a memorial service but I was raised Catholic so that means that when I die there will be a wake, something I’m never going to be again. And why is it that when you go to a funeral, aft[...] I just spent WHAT on a coat hanger? What the heck was I thinking this weekend?Some time ago, The Wife and I had a gym membership, because we:A. Loved the sight of old, naked men and women walking around a foul-smelling locker room;B. Felt we had too much money and wanted to donate some to the poor executives at Lifetime Fitness; andC. Felt compelled to fulfill that blasted human requirement to periodically move our bodies.Then those executives decided they didn't have enough money. They quintupled our rate to an amount that caused[...] Source: Dorky Dad Why Did The Chicken, um, Christian Cross The Road? Augustine: Late have I crossed the road, so ancient and so new. Late have I crossed you.Francis of Assisi: It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching. Therefore, I crossed the road.Thomas Aquinas: All I have written seems to me like so much straw after what I experienced crossing the road.Dorothy Day: As Dostoevsky said, "To cross the road in reality is a terrible and harsh thing compared to crossing the road in dreams."Mother Teresa: We are not called to [...] Source: The Ironic Catholic The "Tastes Like Chicken!" Offensive I myself prefer using a Bowtech compound bow with a 100 grain Montec broadhead at about 30 or 40 yards, but hey, that's just me! ....Kangaroo cull methods offend animal lovers. Australian animal protection groups questioned on Monday a new government guide for the humane killing of kangaroos that recommends "forcefully swinging" the heads of young animals against a vehicle tow bar. A proposed code of conduct for shooting young kangaroos, called joeys, and smaller wallabies released by the Depar[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Sunday O-Rama! Insanities lie here. We are unreservedly, ecstatically, rapturously indifferent about receiving an Anti-Award from the gleefully demented Cult of Qelqoth. Speaking of the gleeful dementia, you should definitely check out some of the other Anti-Award recipients on Qelqoth’s list, and I would humbly add that you should also investigate Ration Reality, who have tackled the sensitive and painful topics of Messianic circumcision and Emo politics of late. Also there are all the people at hum[...] Source: The Skwib The "Don't Do Incense!" Offensive So the other day I was watching the Ghost Whisperer and started to really feel offended that I have never had a ghost, or a poltergeist, or a demon from the bowls of hell ever come and visit me. Not one. Ever!!Ok, so I know I am not as cute as the girl on the show, but I am not exactly someone you would stick a bag over my head to take out on a date, either. (Welllll, maybe a see-through one, but still!).I mean, seriously though, what the hell is wrong with me that nobody from beyond the grave e[...] Source: The Offended Blogger |
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