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Archive for 1/20/2008 to 1/27/2008The Weekender OffenderHey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! Soooo...what offenses are on your agenda this weekend?? ( remember to email the pictures to me on Monday, OK?! ;)As for me, it is 12 degrees outside and since I am not an Eskimo, my chances of any real life offending are pretty much slim to none.Why the #$%! did I move to Idaho again?!Oh well, at least I have my wonderfully offensive and offending readers to get me through until spring!Hey, speaking of offending readers, I am dedicating this entire [...] Source: The Offended Blogger  The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! Soooo...what offenses are on your agenda this weekend?? ( remember to email the pictures to me on Monday, OK?! ;)As for me, it is 12 degrees outside and since I am not an Eskimo, my chances of any real life offending are pretty much slim to none.Why the #$%! did I move to Idaho again?!Oh well, at least I have my wonderfully offensive and offending readers to get me through until spring!Hey, speaking of offending readers, I am dedicating this entire [...] Source: The Offended Blogger Why we write — screenwriters’ blog If you haven’t had a chance to check out the blog, and you’re interested in writers, you really should. It’s a series of essays by TV and movie writers (striking to get a better deal from the producers) about why they became writers. I liked this essay by Eileen Heisler, Writer/Producer of “Murphy Brown”. I particularly liked the story about people laughing out loud during a read-through, because I’ve had that experience too, and there are few feelings as good as a la[...] Source: The Skwib SATURDAY SPIN I’ll be brief because you try searching (with limited time to alott) for information on a band named Stars and scroll through every constellation, country band, any song title with stars in it. I think I even saw the Starland Vocal Band in there. Even narrowing the search, bah - on to the music, I say! Stars is an indie band which I believe was originally formed in Toronto, moved on over to New York for a bit and settled in Montreal. Or the reverse. Is it really important actually? [...] Source: Central Snark The Oldest Profession In a bit of hard cheese for Presidential contender Hillary Clinton, a photo has surfaced showing both her and her husband, then-president Bill Clinton at a fund-raising event with Tony Rezko, a "slum lord" supporter of Barack Obama. Senator Clinton had earlier attacked Senator Obama for his relationship with Rezko at last Monday's Democrat debate.When confronted with the photo during a recent interview, Hillary claimed not to know the man. She added, "I probably have taken hundreds of thousands [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Is My Crazy Showing? The Ten Commandments of The Crazy Person's Guide To Feigning Sanity:1. If you run out of your medication and the doctor's office fails to refill your prescription on time, thou shalt not threaten to drive down the to the office with your seven children and whoop some incompetent receptionist ass. (I had trouble obeying this one today. Fortunately, the receptionist heard the rage and desperation in my voice and decided to spare her own life by calling in a refill immediately...smart lady.)2. Thou[...] Source: Seven Seeds Is Ron Paul Still Running for President? Is the Ron Paul Revolution over yet? I really want to know if Ron Paul is still running for President. I thought Ron Paul was supposed to be our last, best hope for America and Freedom. I thought all those internet polls that were so not-gamed and entirely representative, showed how Ron Paul was voice of Alex Jones Knuckleheads America. So, Ronulans, where’s the beef? It’s all fun and games to troll the internet and create phony support for a candidate, but you need to leave mom&[...] Is that the only thing he ever writes about? One word of advice:When you're done doing your business in the bathroom and it's time to pull your pants up......step away from the toilet first so your cell phone doesn't come loose from your cheap belt clip and tumble into the "dirty" toilet water.And you thought you got crappy cell phone service.* * *Call Humor-Blogs.com for really contaminated humor.[...] Source: View From The Cloud Pure Evil Oh...my...gawd. I have an evil twin. And I thought I'd be the evil twin! Seriously, click here to meet my twin.After you trip out on that...click this!www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds Avatars Made of Boogies Melt Into the Sea… Eventually YOU: “Dude, like when are you going to update your blog?” ME: “IDK.” YOU: “Plus, I posted a really funny post I think you would like love but you haven’t visited my blog!” ME: “IK.” YOU: “And I heard you have some pictures and you’re gonna put up some picture posts and they’re gonna be great! When is that gonna happen?” ME: “IDK.” YOU: “And you probably have something to say about the NFL play[...] Source: The Frog Bog The "Just Say No!" Offensive So um, no offense to blogging but I found a new favorite hobby.It is so exciting, you really should try it! Not only does my new hobby give you a good work out, but you can do it with strangers and a lot of times you even get to do it with them while you are totally naked!Ugh.OK, I know what you're thinking and no, my new hobby isn't that.Man, do you always have to go there??! Come on, we both know that isn't even a hobby! That is more of a necessity, don't you think?? I mean, heh, after food, [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Just Say No!" Offensive So um, no offense to blogging but I found a new favorite hobby.It is so exciting, you really should try it! Not only does my new hobby give you a good work out, but you can do it with strangers and a lot of times you even get to do it with them while you are totally naked!Ugh.OK, I know what you're thinking and no, my new hobby isn't that.Man, do you always have to go there??! Come on, we both know that isn't even a hobby! That is more of a necessity, don't you think?? I mean, heh, after food, [...] Source: The Offended Blogger Fresh air, schmesh air So you know what's really fun?And by fun, I mean, you know, better than going to a supermarket with three children under the age of four, one of whom has diarrhea, the other chicken pox and the third was in the middle of a nap.While you need to pee. Which is always, 'cuz really, what kinda mom are you if you're taking time out to pee?Skiing.Keep up, people! I was saying that skiing is way fun. Pay attention, now.The thing about skiing is that the joy of it all begins WAAAAAYYY before the part wh[...] Source: Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife Say Cheese! We do not own many expensive things for the fact that they would just be destroyed within minutes of taking them out of the packaging. My lap top, our television and our video camera are the only items that we've purchased for more than 100 dollars. Our television receives daily abuse and it still works. This tells me that we made a good choice in selecting a brand. However, we've yet to find one that is resistant to crayons and permanent marker. Trenton has a habit of drawing mustaches on tv pe[...] Source: Seven Seeds Say Cheese! We do not own many expensive things for the fact that they would just be destroyed within minutes of taking them out of the packaging. My lap top, our television and our video camera are the only items that we've purchased for more than 100 dollars. Our television receives daily abuse and it still works. This tells me that we made a good choice in selecting a brand. However, we've yet to find one that is resistant to crayons and permanent marker. Trenton has a habit of drawing mustaches on tv pe[...] Source: Seven Seeds Say Cheese! We do not own many expensive things for the fact that they would just be destroyed within minutes of taking them out of the packaging. My lap top, our television and our video camera are the only items that we've purchased for more than 100 dollars. Our television receives daily abuse and it still works. This tells me that we made a good choice in selecting a brand. However, we've yet to find one that is resistant to crayons and permanent marker. Trenton has a habit of drawing mustaches on tv pe[...] Source: Seven Seeds Caption Contest: Rambo 4 Yes, believe it or not, having put the cap on the Rocky series, old Sly is now resurrecting the Rambo franchise. When last we left Rambo, he was assisting the Mujahideen in their struggle to throw rocks at the Soviet army fleeing Afghanistan. Now, still tormented by events that occurred about six wars ago, he becomes a reluctant one man army fighting against something or other that is interfering with his busy Matlock-watching schedule. And I was there when it all went down.Submit your captio[...] The Silence of the Lambs of God submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributorConform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!----------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, IndiaBecause evil and wrath are in front of them?Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)------------------------------------------------------"Until further notice, celebrate everything."submitted AN[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The Silence of the Lambs of God submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributorConform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!----------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, IndiaBecause evil and wrath are in front of them?Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)------------------------------------------------------"Until further notice, celebrate everything."submitted AN[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The Silence of the Lambs of God submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributorConform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!----------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, IndiaBecause evil and wrath are in front of them?Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)------------------------------------------------------"Until further notice, celebrate everything."submitted AN[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The Silence of the Lambs of God submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributorConform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!----------------------------------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, IndiaBecause evil and wrath are in front of them?Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)------------------------------------------------------"Until further notice, celebrate everything."submitted AN[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The Good Wife THANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which see[...] Source: Central Snark The Good Wife THANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which see[...] Source: Central Snark The Good Wife THANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which see[...] Source: Central Snark The Good Wife THANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which see[...] Source: Central Snark The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition) Germanicus presents “On Campaign with My Three-Year-Old Son” (circa 15 AD) –> slide 4 Put him in miniature set of armor Army mascot They call him “Little soldier’s boots” (Caligula) Isn’t he adorable? Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (Caligula) presents “A normal childhood” (circa 35 AD) –> Slide 3 After father Germanicus died: lived with mother until the Emperor Tiberius (adoptive grandfather) banished her lived with [...] Source: The Skwib Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket A Herman Fording exclusive. In a shocking, gratuitous, and hopefully award winning display of international impropriety, survivalist and blog-stalker Christopher NotSee, has confessed to assaulting the nation of Canada with former rap star M.C. Hammer. According to reliably verbose sources, NotSee, an ex-marine and serial commenter, propelled the aging performer into Canadian airspace with the assistance of a household trebuchet. Hammer, best known for his brief fame and visually painful costume[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Sweet Sweet Schadenfreude By now, you've most likely seen the Giants/Coming to America YouTube video that the kids are talking about. Rickey thinks he can do one better however. We're willing to bet that you haven't beheld this:There's something sublimely brilliant about Hitler throwing a tantrum over the Cowboys' recent loss and whining about having just purchased a T.O. jersey.Enjoy the weekend folks--Rickey's headed upstate to his alma mater for some collegiate hockey and alcohol consumption. Assuming we've still go[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Sweet Sweet Schadenfreude By now, you've most likely seen the Giants/Coming to America YouTube video that the kids are talking about. Rickey thinks he can do one better however. We're willing to bet that you haven't beheld this:There's something sublimely brilliant about Hitler throwing a tantrum over the Cowboys' recent loss and whining about having just purchased a T.O. jersey.Enjoy the weekend folks--Rickey's headed upstate to his alma mater for some collegiate hockey and alcohol consumption. Assuming we've still go[...] Source: Riding With Rickey The Not So Gifted Little Kevin Last night I began to learn Flash animation in my new media design 2 class. For our first in class lab we had to make a stick figure that would walk onto the screen and do something. People had their figure do all kinds of stuff like dance, jump, do flips, and even the instructor had an anvil fall out of the sky hitting her stick figure in the head. What did I have my stick figure do? I had him walk out onto the screen, squat and poop… Not only did he poop but flames shot out of his ass while do[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Not So Gifted Little Kevin Last night I began to learn Flash animation in my new media design 2 class. For our first in class lab we had to make a stick figure that would walk onto the screen and do something. People had their figure do all kinds of stuff like dance, jump, do flips, and even the instructor had an anvil fall out of the sky hitting her stick figure in the head. What did I have my stick figure do? I had him walk out onto the screen, squat and poop… Not only did he poop but flames shot out of his ass while do[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Not So Gifted Little Kevin Last night I began to learn Flash animation in my new media design 2 class. For our first in class lab we had to make a stick figure that would walk onto the screen and do something. People had their figure do all kinds of stuff like dance, jump, do flips, and even the instructor had an anvil fall out of the sky hitting her stick figure in the head. What did I have my stick figure do? I had him walk out onto the screen, squat and poop… Not only did he poop but flames shot out of his ass while do[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Not So Gifted Little Kevin Last night I began to learn Flash animation in my new media design 2 class. For our first in class lab we had to make a stick figure that would walk onto the screen and do something. People had their figure do all kinds of stuff like dance, jump, do flips, and even the instructor had an anvil fall out of the sky hitting her stick figure in the head. What did I have my stick figure do? I had him walk out onto the screen, squat and poop… Not only did he poop but flames shot out of his ass while do[...] Source: Pointless Banter eruliaF laneR Renal Failure has an evil twin. Or a good twin if you don’t happen to be deliciously and viciously twisted. We have determined that our humor-blogs.com rival Seven Seeds is our Bizarro doppleganger. The facts as we know them from looking at both blogs… 1) Seven Seeds is written by Kadi Prescott, a blond woman who actually blogs under her real name. Renal Failure is written by me, who is not a blond woman and whose name is never mentioned. 2) Kadi blogs about the things that happen[...] Source: Renal Failure Love Is In The Air......And Not Even Lysol Spray Can Stop It! Listen up men: The Valentine's Day Countdown has begun ticking away. You only have 3 weeks left to procure the perfect gift for your very special lady.Heart-shaped boxes of gooey chocolate, floral bouquets, novelty jewelry, edible underwear; those Valentine present ideas are played out and blandly predictable. Luckily for you though, I'm more than willing to assume the role of The Smiling Infidel Cupid to assist you in making a unique and creative gift choice this Valentine's--one that your swee[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Ding Dong The Bitch Is Dead #2 FINALLY! This is good news for comedians everywhere. Judy Brown has been ripping off comics for so many years that if you cut her open and counted the joke thief rings it would date back to 1857. The year she was born.Thankfully Jay Leno put a stop to her thievery. Click on the label at the bottom of this post to read the entire story but score one for Team Comics. Writing a joke is one of the hardest things in the world to do. If you don't believe me, write one and then go on stage somewhere an[...] It's time for a major confession The Wife was none too happy when I picked her up from the bus stop this evening, and for good reason. I was a bit late getting there, and so she had to stand outside for five minutes in the frigid January air. The temperatures were in the single digits and the wind chill was well below zero. In short, it was fricking freezing out there.It was at this point when I heard myself utter the following phrase: "I don't know what the heck the deal is, the forecast said it was supposed to be warmer today[...] Source: Dorky Dad Green- beans, peas, broccoli...poop?? -Day 25. I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.- Mel BrooksSo...I checked my Sitemeter the other day and was amused to find that the number one search that brought people to my humble little blogus wasn't anything porn related. I know you're disappointed but the search was actually people worried about "green poop". YUP! G-R-E-E-N P-O-O-P!All because of this post! Here are the questions exactly as typed. I decided to answer them since I'm a public servant of humanity and all. ***[...] Source: Bee's Musings Random thoughts from a Disordered Mind. It's been announced that we all are going to get tax rebates from Uncle Sugar to the tune of $300 smackers per. (Even including those who don't pay taxes, go figure.) This is supposed to stimulate the sagging economy. I got just one question: Where does that money come from? I mean, I'm sure if I looked under the cushions here at the hacienda or started rolling the coins in the fifty-five gallon drums I use to hold my wash-day pocket change, I could come up with a million or two. But has anyone[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Random thoughts from a Disordered Mind. It's been announced that we all are going to get tax rebates from Uncle Sugar to the tune of $300 smackers per. (Even including those who don't pay taxes, go figure.) This is supposed to stimulate the sagging economy. I got just one question: Where does that money come from? I mean, I'm sure if I looked under the cushions here at the hacienda or started rolling the coins in the fifty-five gallon drums I use to hold my wash-day pocket change, I could come up with a million or two. But has anyone[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Random thoughts from a Disordered Mind. It's been announced that we all are going to get tax rebates from Uncle Sugar to the tune of $300 smackers per. (Even including those who don't pay taxes, go figure.) This is supposed to stimulate the sagging economy. I got just one question: Where does that money come from? I mean, I'm sure if I looked under the cushions here at the hacienda or started rolling the coins in the fifty-five gallon drums I use to hold my wash-day pocket change, I could come up with a million or two. But has anyone[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Random thoughts from a Disordered Mind. It's been announced that we all are going to get tax rebates from Uncle Sugar to the tune of $300 smackers per. (Even including those who don't pay taxes, go figure.) This is supposed to stimulate the sagging economy. I got just one question: Where does that money come from? I mean, I'm sure if I looked under the cushions here at the hacienda or started rolling the coins in the fifty-five gallon drums I use to hold my wash-day pocket change, I could come up with a million or two. But has anyone[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Random thoughts from a Disordered Mind. It's been announced that we all are going to get tax rebates from Uncle Sugar to the tune of $300 smackers per. (Even including those who don't pay taxes, go figure.) This is supposed to stimulate the sagging economy. I got just one question: Where does that money come from? I mean, I'm sure if I looked under the cushions here at the hacienda or started rolling the coins in the fifty-five gallon drums I use to hold my wash-day pocket change, I could come up with a million or two. But has anyone[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... If I Were In Charge Of Food I hate food shopping. I think I choose boyfriends based on their ability to food shop, and so far I've been lucky. They've all loved to do it except for The Doctor Howard, who had housekeepers do it. When you're born you should automatically be assigned a housekeeper who food shops. I seriously think this was an oversight on God's part and I don't understand why I'm not in charge of things like this. Believe me, no one would take my name in vain.I should have taken a camera with me this morning [...] About As Real As My... You know what really pisses me off? Shows like the "Real Housewives Of The OC." Hello? Real housewives? I agree that they are real human beings. I would also agree that they are really citizens of Orange County. I know because my husband did a lot of work at Coto De Caza, their private, gated neighborhood. But I'll be damned if I agree with them being real housewives. Here's what I find disturbing about the name of the show:First, let's define the term, "housewife": (noun) a married woman who ma[...] Source: Seven Seeds About As Real As My... You know what really pisses me off? Shows like the "Real Housewives Of The OC." Hello? Real housewives? I agree that they are real human beings. I would also agree that they are really citizens of Orange County. I know because my husband did a lot of work at Coto De Caza, their private, gated neighborhood. But I'll be damned if I agree with them being real housewives. Here's what I find disturbing about the name of the show:First, let's define the term, "housewife": (noun) a married woman who ma[...] Source: Seven Seeds About As Real As My... You know what really pisses me off? Shows like the "Real Housewives Of The OC." Hello? Real housewives? I agree that they are real human beings. I would also agree that they are really citizens of Orange County. I know because my husband did a lot of work at Coto De Caza, their private, gated neighborhood. But I'll be damned if I agree with them being real housewives. Here's what I find disturbing about the name of the show:First, let's define the term, "housewife": (noun) a married woman who ma[...] Source: Seven Seeds Washing Your Coffee Mug: Sanitary or Pure Evil? My affection for coffee has been discussed ad nauseum here on my blog. A quick search of the word “coffee” brings back 16 different blog posts. As a result, my #1 Dad coffee mug has received almost cult-like status. You crazy kids and your cults… A few moments ago, while sipping some French Vanilla coffee goodness in my mug at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, two things dawned on me. One, my drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon might have something to do with my inso[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Washing Your Coffee Mug: Sanitary or Pure Evil? My affection for coffee has been discussed ad nauseum here on my blog. A quick search of the word “coffee” brings back 16 different blog posts. As a result, my #1 Dad coffee mug has received almost cult-like status. You crazy kids and your cults… A few moments ago, while sipping some French Vanilla coffee goodness in my mug at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, two things dawned on me. One, my drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon might have something to do with my inso[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Washing Your Coffee Mug: Sanitary or Pure Evil? My affection for coffee has been discussed ad nauseum here on my blog. A quick search of the word “coffee” brings back 16 different blog posts. As a result, my #1 Dad coffee mug has received almost cult-like status. You crazy kids and your cults… A few moments ago, while sipping some French Vanilla coffee goodness in my mug at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, two things dawned on me. One, my drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon might have something to do with my inso[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Washing Your Coffee Mug: Sanitary or Pure Evil? My affection for coffee has been discussed ad nauseum here on my blog. A quick search of the word “coffee” brings back 16 different blog posts. As a result, my #1 Dad coffee mug has received almost cult-like status. You crazy kids and your cults… A few moments ago, while sipping some French Vanilla coffee goodness in my mug at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, two things dawned on me. One, my drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon might have something to do with my inso[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Waxing Poetic... I love getting pedicures. There is a little place near my home where I go. One day, about a year ago, I was in there getting my toes a little TLC. Suddenly, and out of nowhere I might add, a Vietnamese lady screamed across the crowded room, "DO YOU WANT YOU LIP WAX, TOO???" It was with shock and horror that I realized she was addressing ME.My hand instinctively covered my mouth and I mumbled, "what?" She repeated her question and I felt all eyes upon me as I contemplated her offer of ripping hot[...] Source: The Blog of Bex I hate Fast Zombies. Let's get something straight. Zombies should shuffle. They should walk with their hands straight out from their bodies. They should be easy to avoid, and easy to riddle with bullets. They are allowed to be relentless, hungry, and almost impossible to kill, sure -- but they shouldn't be fast. That just freaks me right the hell out. Other things zombies* should definitely not be allowed to do:(1) Climb walls and trees and poles like coked-up chimpanzees.(2) Be completely hairless and in better s[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???!So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I kn[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Hopping on the Heath Ledger Exploitation Train For Heath Ledger the worst thing about being dead - besides the not-living part - is that he will be forever known as the Brokeback actor. I know people are going to argue that his last role as the Joker will be the one we remember. I would agree with you, except my mind is busy trying not to compare his final performance to Beetlejuice. And what the hell was up with the massage therapist calling Mary Kate Olsen first? Apparently she needed advice on what to do next. I have never stumbled upon[...] Guest Blog: How I Destroyed the Emperor My wife and I are trying to instill a love of writing in our kids. So, we have a special treat today, a guest blogger, my 8-year-old son Jackson. When I asked him to pen something for the blog, I had no doubt that the theme would involve Star Wars. The saga has been a part of his identity since he was about 18 months old, when I first showed him Episode 1. He sat motionless in my lap for the entire movie. After that it was all over. Following his introduction to the original trilogy, all he want[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing Guest Blog: How I Destroyed the Emperor My wife and I are trying to instill a love of writing in our kids. So, we have a special treat today, a guest blogger, my 8-year-old son Jackson. When I asked him to pen something for the blog, I had no doubt that the theme would involve Star Wars. The saga has been a part of his identity since he was about 18 months old, when I first showed him Episode 1. He sat motionless in my lap for the entire movie. After that it was all over. Following his introduction to the original trilogy, all he want[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing Guest Blog: How I Destroyed the Emperor My wife and I are trying to instill a love of writing in our kids. So, we have a special treat today, a guest blogger, my 8-year-old son Jackson. When I asked him to pen something for the blog, I had no doubt that the theme would involve Star Wars. The saga has been a part of his identity since he was about 18 months old, when I first showed him Episode 1. He sat motionless in my lap for the entire movie. After that it was all over. Following his introduction to the original trilogy, all he want[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing Guest Blog: How I Destroyed the Emperor My wife and I are trying to instill a love of writing in our kids. So, we have a special treat today, a guest blogger, my 8-year-old son Jackson. When I asked him to pen something for the blog, I had no doubt that the theme would involve Star Wars. The saga has been a part of his identity since he was about 18 months old, when I first showed him Episode 1. He sat motionless in my lap for the entire movie. After that it was all over. Following his introduction to the original trilogy, all he want[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing Guest Blog: How I Destroyed the Emperor My wife and I are trying to instill a love of writing in our kids. So, we have a special treat today, a guest blogger, my 8-year-old son Jackson. When I asked him to pen something for the blog, I had no doubt that the theme would involve Star Wars. The saga has been a part of his identity since he was about 18 months old, when I first showed him Episode 1. He sat motionless in my lap for the entire movie. After that it was all over. Following his introduction to the original trilogy, all he want[...] Source: That's My Whole Thing Leetspeak for Art Historians This collection at Flickr is fun and educational. I never really understood l33tspeak before, and now I feel like less of a noob. And if you’re looking for more to make you FOFL, may I recommend this site? Share [...] Source: The Skwib Thursday Thirteen: Why I Do Not Suck I'm sitting in my favorite spot, watching snow drifts dance down and form a downy blanket over my yard. It's a beautiful sight to take in from my warm spot on the couch. Watching snow fall is so peaceful. In fact, even Ella's shrill screams cannot ruin my moment of serenity.Okay...back to the task at hand. I was instructed to make a list of the thirteen reasons why I do not suck, to counteract my previous list. So here goes:Why I Do Not Suck:1. I get an unspeakable amount of joy from helping oth[...] Source: Seven Seeds Talk about shrinkage... PlutoDiameter: 2,390 km (1,485 miles) [0.187 x Earth's]Mass: 12.5 x 1021 kilograms(0.0021 x Earth's)Density: 1,750 kg/m3(0.317 x Earth's)Surface Gravity: 0.58 m/s2 (0.06 x Earth's)Surface Temperature: -233° to -223° C or -387° to -369° FTilt of Axis: 123oRotation Period about Axis: (length of Pluto's day) 6.387 daysSt. Cloud, MNSurface Temperature: -234° to -240° C or -390° to -400° FOk, that might be a slight exaggeration, but not by much. Here's what Yahoo weather was showing for St. Cloud at[...] Source: View From The Cloud It Must be That Time of the Chorus... submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Charles StrohackerAll their songs are in a minor key.-------------------------------------------------------------submitted by Jared HendricksonThen why are so many churches either black or white?------------------------------------------------------submitted by Jared HendricksonFinally a sermon that's applicable to my everyday life!(Yeah, I know it's a biblical analogy, but how many people who drive past know this?)-----------------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Has Blogging Gone Too Far? Story at 11! Much to our general consternation and bewilderment, Rickey was tagged by Amy at Remote Access for a meme listing 8 random things about him. What’s a meme, you might ask? As far as we can deduce, it’s pretty much any idea that can be spread by imitation from blog to blog (i.e., a joke, a jingle, a trend, a list, a virus, or the creeping suspicion that Johan Santana will remain on the Twins in 2008). The recipient of the meme must fulfill their requirement, and forward the meme on to others.Indeed[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Has Blogging Gone Too Far? Story at 11! Much to our general consternation and bewilderment, Rickey was tagged by Amy at Remote Access for a meme listing 8 random things about him. What’s a meme, you might ask? As far as we can deduce, it’s pretty much any idea that can be spread by imitation from blog to blog (i.e., a joke, a jingle, a trend, a list, a virus, or the creeping suspicion that Johan Santana will remain on the Twins in 2008). The recipient of the meme must fulfill their requirement, and forward the meme on to others.Indeed[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Has Blogging Gone Too Far? Story at 11! Much to our general consternation and bewilderment, Rickey was tagged by Amy at Remote Access for a meme listing 8 random things about him. What’s a meme, you might ask? As far as we can deduce, it’s pretty much any idea that can be spread by imitation from blog to blog (i.e., a joke, a jingle, a trend, a list, a virus, or the creeping suspicion that Johan Santana will remain on the Twins in 2008). The recipient of the meme must fulfill their requirement, and forward the meme on to others.Indeed[...] Source: Riding With Rickey The Green Booger Girl Chronicles Part 2 To read the first installment click here. Blinded by teenage hormones and the constant self doubt of being a giant zit I continued to date the girl with the large chest who would later become the girl with the green booger. As the year began to go on the girl with the large chest and I continued our heavy make out sessions on the couch with the occasional breast feel mixed in for fun and good times, even back then I knew things weren’t progressing the way they should. The problem with wint[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Green Booger Girl Chronicles Part 2 To read the first installment click here. Blinded by teenage hormones and the constant self doubt of being a giant zit I continued to date the girl with the large chest who would later become the girl with the green booger. As the year began to go on the girl with the large chest and I continued our heavy make out sessions on the couch with the occasional breast feel mixed in for fun and good times, even back then I knew things weren’t progressing the way they should. The problem with wint[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Green Booger Girl Chronicles Part 2 To read the first installment click here. Blinded by teenage hormones and the constant self doubt of being a giant zit I continued to date the girl with the large chest who would later become the girl with the green booger. As the year began to go on the girl with the large chest and I continued our heavy make out sessions on the couch with the occasional breast feel mixed in for fun and good times, even back then I knew things weren’t progressing the way they should. The problem with wint[...] Source: Pointless Banter The Green Booger Girl Chronicles Part 2 To read the first installment click here. Blinded by teenage hormones and the constant self doubt of being a giant zit I continued to date the girl with the large chest who would later become the girl with the green booger. As the year began to go on the girl with the large chest and I continued our heavy make out sessions on the couch with the occasional breast feel mixed in for fun and good times, even back then I knew things weren’t progressing the way they should. The problem with wint[...] Source: Pointless Banter Who’s running the shop? As our regular Renal Failure readers may know, Avonia the Wiccan Pimp also owns the local pagan store in town, Wic-Mart. The problem is that it’s not very profitable, due to the low amount of wiccans or pagans in town. So that’s why she pimps at night, to keep the shop open. But what our readers may have be asking is who runs the shop when Avonia is out pimping? That task falls to her husband Arawn. We don’t see much of him, as none of us really have a need to go to Wic-Mar[...] Source: Renal Failure How to be a muppet! Remember the brilliant –hush!- post I did a few weeks back about weird epitaphs? NO? I guess you should check in more frequently, now shouldn’t you?! Some people clearly are very witty with words they leave behind and others have a sh** load of money, so again they rely on words … this time a will. Some of those wills are rather insane eccentric. Marie Curie A pioneer in the early field of radioactivity, she later became the only person to win Nobel Prizes in two different fields of science [...] Source: Central Snark Was women's lib a fib?? I'm setting the record straight! -Day 24. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.- Woody Allen So…“Slap my ass and call me a monkey’s uncle!”.I was listening to my radio show (not mine as in I own it or am on it, just mine as in I listen to it every morning) and they said there is a law in 7 states, Illinois is one of them, that says a wife is a husband’s property… SAY-FREAKIN’-WHAT???[Picture me doing the neck roll pointing finger move]I ain’t nobody’s property! [Okay, I can't pull off the neck roll thing[...] Source: Bee's Musings If only... If only someone would have told me ten years ago:That drinking alcohol makes you want to do naughty things with cute boys.That doing naughty things = pregnancy...even if you try to prevent it.That pregnancy does things to the body...strange, horrible things.That being pregnant is the easy part!That raising kids does things to the mind...strange, horrible things.That the mind too easily forgets the damage that the body has suffered and longs for more kids.That the next kid will be an angel compar[...] Source: Seven Seeds We Can Hear You One would reasonably expect that if you entered a restroom at work that your private activities would be between only you and the toilet bowl. Not in our building. A couple of months ago our restrooms were outfitted with the Kimberley-Clark Professional Toilet Paper Dispenser. It’s a fine toilet paper dispenser. Except for one thing. Every time someone pulls paper from the rolls, something inside the dispenser shakes and shimmies so loudly, it sounds like machine-gun fire. How do we know?[...] Source: The Junk Drawer We Can Hear You One would reasonably expect that if you entered a restroom at work that your private activities would be between only you and the toilet bowl. Not in our building. A couple of months ago our restrooms were outfitted with the Kimberley-Clark Professional Toilet Paper Dispenser. It’s a fine toilet paper dispenser. Except for one thing. Every time someone pulls paper from the rolls, something inside the dispenser shakes and shimmies so loudly, it sounds like machine-gun fire. How do we know?[...] Source: The Junk Drawer We Can Hear You One would reasonably expect that if you entered a restroom at work that your private activities would be between only you and the toilet bowl. Not in our building. A couple of months ago our restrooms were outfitted with the Kimberley-Clark Professional Toilet Paper Dispenser. It’s a fine toilet paper dispenser. Except for one thing. Every time someone pulls paper from the rolls, something inside the dispenser shakes and shimmies so loudly, it sounds like machine-gun fire. How do we know?[...] Source: The Junk Drawer We Can Hear You One would reasonably expect that if you entered a restroom at work that your private activities would be between only you and the toilet bowl. Not in our building. A couple of months ago our restrooms were outfitted with the Kimberley-Clark Professional Toilet Paper Dispenser. It’s a fine toilet paper dispenser. Except for one thing. Every time someone pulls paper from the rolls, something inside the dispenser shakes and shimmies so loudly, it sounds like machine-gun fire. How do we know?[...] Source: The Junk Drawer An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... An Il wind Thanks to all who have helped me in my word search. I don't know if any of the suggestions were quite what I was looking for, although I likes "Hypocritichondria" supplied by Conundrum. In the right hands that word is worth $75 dollars an hour.Deb on the Rocks supplied "versuthendieKoolaidvolkenbuskleineschnitzgeist". I have no idea what it really means but I assume its dirty, given the source.And our fellow (that word doesn't actually apply to her) Idahoan, The Offended Blogger suggested: "i[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Nothing Is Safe Anymore... How the hell does a virus spread from humans to a computer? I kid you not, my brand bleeping new lap top computer caught a virus and went into hibernation mode, last night. I discovered this when I turned it on to do some email sorting and the damn thing had a little message telling me that it was hibernating. HIBERNATING??? Bears hibernate. Snakes hibernate. Computers should not be allowed to hibernate!!! I spent two hours on the phone with Dell today, restoring my system. Do you have any idea[...] Source: Seven Seeds Tremble Before My Shovel! Greetings, wormfood!I apologize for my long absence. Diesel's estate seems to have developed a bit of a hobbit problem, and my lord insists that I deal with them. He won't admit it, but I suspect that he still feels a little bad about accidentally clubbing that troop of boy scouts to death with a shovel.I have since taught him a handy rhyme to distinguish boy scouts from hobbits:If it's helpful and nice, you should look twiceBut if the feet are hairy, first whack and then buryStill, my master [...] The "Triple Nipple" Offensive Men, never, ever jokingly volunteer to be your lactating wife's third nipple... Ever.An ad campaign for Boots' nipple cream has escaped a ban from the advertising watchdog despite 19 complaints from members of the public and women's groups that it was misleading and offensive.A press ad, for the Boots Expert moisturising nipple cream, ran in magazines including OK!, Mother & Baby, Best and Chat. The campaign also included a radio ad.The magazine ad featured a sketch drawing of a woman hold[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Triple Nipple" Offensive Men, never, ever jokingly volunteer to be your lactating wife's third nipple... Ever.An ad campaign for Boots' nipple cream has escaped a ban from the advertising watchdog despite 19 complaints from members of the public and women's groups that it was misleading and offensive.A press ad, for the Boots Expert moisturising nipple cream, ran in magazines including OK!, Mother & Baby, Best and Chat. The campaign also included a radio ad.The magazine ad featured a sketch drawing of a woman hold[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Triple Nipple" Offensive Men, never, ever jokingly volunteer to be your lactating wife's third nipple... Ever.An ad campaign for Boots' nipple cream has escaped a ban from the advertising watchdog despite 19 complaints from members of the public and women's groups that it was misleading and offensive.A press ad, for the Boots Expert moisturising nipple cream, ran in magazines including OK!, Mother & Baby, Best and Chat. The campaign also included a radio ad.The magazine ad featured a sketch drawing of a woman hold[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Bat Guano, not just for breakfast anymore. -Day 22. I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.- Hank Aaron--- okay I know this quote is about a baseball bat but I feel the same way about MY bats, you know choking the life outta them with my bare hands... So…The halls of the Arkham Asylum have been rocked to their very core!To. Their. Very. Core..Glynda has disappeared. She has vanish[...] Source: Bee's Musings Rickey's Wednesday Wallop In the off chance that you hadn’t already noticed, Rickey likes alliteration (particularly that of the consonance variety) just a little too much. Look for Rickey to further alienate and bewilder his readers by employing kennings and referring to the sea as “the whale path” sometime in the not too distant future. Anyhow, here are a few midweek housekeeping items Rickey’s been meaning to bring to the forefront ’round here.Rickey hadn’t gotten a chance to mention it earlier, but belated kudos to t[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic? You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to: evolve dabble in intergalactic travel keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread. At this moment of y[...] Source: The Skwib Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic? You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to: evolve dabble in intergalactic travel keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread. At this moment of y[...] Source: The Skwib Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic? You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to: evolve dabble in intergalactic travel keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread. At this moment of y[...] Source: The Skwib all you did was wreck my bed (with apologies to rod stewart) when i was growing up, sessie and i shared a room with two twin beds, complete with classic 1970s matching bates corded bedspreads in pepto bismol pink. i think every kid in america had these bedspreads growing up. they sold them through the sears catalog and they were available in a myriad of colors. personally, i wasn’t so fond of them because they were kinda thin and scratchy and if you sat on the top of the bed for a while, you got the cord indentions all over the backs of your legs. [...] Source: leighonline all you did was wreck my bed (with apologies to rod stewart) when i was growing up, sessie and i shared a room with two twin beds, complete with classic 1970s matching bates corded bedspreads in pepto bismol pink. i think every kid in america had these bedspreads growing up. they sold them through the sears catalog and they were available in a myriad of colors. personally, i wasn’t so fond of them because they were kinda thin and scratchy and if you sat on the top of the bed for a while, you got the cord indentions all over the backs of your legs. [...] Source: leighonline Please keep hands and arms inside your death at all times... submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyAwww, man! They always save the best stuff 'til the end!----------------------------------------------------submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyWhat if I attend church every Christmas? That is extremely regular.----------------------------------------------------originally posted here. submitted by Ron Brown.But if we die in sin, we can kiss our @$ goodbye.-------------------------------------------------------"Drea[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs 3 words KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO’S there? NO ONE. D’OH! thanks to some unreasonable stupid demanding instructor and/or boss, TEH PENGUIN will not be making her usual Highly Anticipated and/or Appreciated appearance in The Snark this morning. Or this afternoon, for that matter. Aieeee. Needless to say, Minka’s Unfortunate Situation has managed to create an New and Enhanced Unfortunate Situation for us, in that we need to be out the door and on the road to Manhattan in less than an hou[...] Source: Central Snark Don’t judge too quickly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Keo97K9cs Via the talented Spencer Evans. Also seen on humor-blogs.com Share [...] Source: The Skwib So how is this different than any other Monday? “Did you know that this past Monday was the most depressing day of the year?” says Bernie the half-cyborg cat. “How could it be the most depressing day of the year?” I say. “It was MLK Day. It was a federal holiday. I didn’t have to work.” “You don’t work anyway,” says Bernie. “Yeah, but I didn’t have to feel bad about not working that day,” I say. “So how was Monday supposed to be the most depressing day of [...] Source: Renal Failure So how is this different than any other Monday? “Did you know that this past Monday was the most depressing day of the year?” says Bernie the half-cyborg cat. “How could it be the most depressing day of the year?” I say. “It was MLK Day. It was a federal holiday. I didn’t have to work.” “You don’t work anyway,” says Bernie. “Yeah, but I didn’t have to feel bad about not working that day,” I say. “So how was Monday supposed to be the most depressing day of [...] Source: Renal Failure Top Ten Ways To Not Have Sex On Valentine’s Day Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and in today’s sexed up society, it’s kinda hard not to have sex on the special day of love. But if you’re the kind of person who has had enough sex to last you a while or is afraid that your dead grandmother is watching, do not worry. I will teach you the Top Ten Ways To Not Have Sex On Valentine’s Day. 10. Don’t Get A Date It is much harder to have sex if you are not in a situation that usually leads to sex. The best way [...] Source: The Poke Show Pack a lunch kids, The Wife is buying a card The Wife loves card shops. Near the top of her annual list of Christmas gift requests she sends to Santa is her own Hallmark shop -- which is just after "sheep farm," "world peace" and "husband who does not publicize her card-loving habits."At the mall, Hallmark is a swirling vortex from which The Wife cannot escape, in much the same way that I must be dragged screaming from any Cinnabon. We cannot go within 100 feet of a Hallmark without her being pulled helplessly in its direction. Well, I ca[...] Source: Dorky Dad Pack a lunch kids, The Wife is buying a card The Wife loves card shops. Near the top of her annual list of Christmas gift requests she sends to Santa is her own Hallmark shop -- which is just after "sheep farm," "world peace" and "husband who does not publicize her card-loving habits."At the mall, Hallmark is a swirling vortex from which The Wife cannot escape, in much the same way that I must be dragged screaming from any Cinnabon. We cannot go within 100 feet of a Hallmark without her being pulled helplessly in its direction. Well, I ca[...] Source: Dorky Dad Pack a lunch kids, The Wife is buying a card The Wife loves card shops. Near the top of her annual list of Christmas gift requests she sends to Santa is her own Hallmark shop -- which is just after "sheep farm," "world peace" and "husband who does not publicize her card-loving habits."At the mall, Hallmark is a swirling vortex from which The Wife cannot escape, in much the same way that I must be dragged screaming from any Cinnabon. We cannot go within 100 feet of a Hallmark without her being pulled helplessly in its direction. Well, I ca[...] Source: Dorky Dad Books Etc. Apologies to Beth for the title of this post....Ok, I've upgraded Humor-Blogs.com from MySQL to SQL Server, and I think I've worked out most of the bugs. The commenting app on this site should be working now as well. Sorry if you had trouble posting a comment over the past few days, and sorrier if you're one of the people whose comments I accidentally deleted. Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you.Let me know if you still have trouble posting a comment here, or if you experience any weir[...] Ahhhh...the good ol' days I used to love finding old pictures of my high school days. Now it's just down right depressing. I can't believe that there was ever a time when I was carefree. What happened to the youthful glow and a gleam of hope in my eye? Children. That's what happened. They came into this world with one mission... to steal the youthful glow and erase the gleam of hope...and they succeeded. Here are the before photos: Did you see how happy I looked? I had friends, I lived moments of glory, I was ...awake! H[...] Source: Seven Seeds Doesn't Anyone Want My Cookies? Hmmmm...perhaps some of you didn't hear me when I said that Marlie is SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!Or maybe you heard, but are hesitant to order after reading that we've all been suffering from a stomach virus and have coated the insides of our house with the byproducts of said virus. Fear not! We do not yet have the cookies in our possession. I'm sure that they are still being made by sweat shop workers.....erm....magical tree dwelling elves. They will not be delivered until February 23rd, at w[...] Source: Seven Seeds I've Been Hit! Oh shit balls... I really wish that I would have been able to escape the wrath of Vinny The Virus. But I can wish in one hand and crap in the other...ugh...I don't even want to think about the word "crap." Let's just forget that little comparison.I'm guessing that I contracted the virus last night. How can I be so confident that my assumption is correct? Let's just say that I had a close encounter with Vinny's army of viral bacteria. I was changing Reed's 63rd (you know what) diaper, last night.[...] Source: Seven Seeds Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water!!! I saw the movie Jaws at an impressionable age. Living near the coast in South Florida I had daily opportunities to go to the beach. But I never wanted to go into the water because any time ANYTHING even so much as TOUCHED me (sea weed, coral, a friend) I freaked out - convinced that a shark was going to eat me.In fact, to get me out of water all you have to do is one of two things. The first is to look over my shoulder in surprise or horror. The second way is to hum the Jaws theme song. Da duh. [...] Source: The Blog of Bex Looking for a word.... I'm not posting one of my epic humor pieces today because I'm still too busy digging out from the weekend's snow mess.However, I'd like some help. I'm trying to find a word that might not have been invented yet. (In English anyway.)What is the word for the state or condition: where you (or maybe a lot of people) know something, and in your heart you realize what you know is wrong, but you and everyone around you continues to act as though it is right. Like "democrat candidates care about the po[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Looking for a word.... I'm not posting one of my epic humor pieces today because I'm still too busy digging out from the weekend's snow mess.However, I'd like some help. I'm trying to find a word that might not have been invented yet. (In English anyway.)What is the word for the state or condition: where you (or maybe a lot of people) know something, and in your heart you realize what you know is wrong, but you and everyone around you continues to act as though it is right. Like "democrat candidates care about the po[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Looking for a word.... I'm not posting one of my epic humor pieces today because I'm still too busy digging out from the weekend's snow mess.However, I'd like some help. I'm trying to find a word that might not have been invented yet. (In English anyway.)What is the word for the state or condition: where you (or maybe a lot of people) know something, and in your heart you realize what you know is wrong, but you and everyone around you continues to act as though it is right. Like "democrat candidates care about the po[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Yes, Virginia, There is a Recession Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times. Of course, a few seconds - okay, minutes - later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Yes, Virginia, There is a Recession Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times. Of course, a few seconds - okay, minutes - later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Yes, Virginia, There is a Recession Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times. Of course, a few seconds - okay, minutes - later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Yes, Virginia, There is a Recession Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times. Of course, a few seconds - okay, minutes - later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid The "Where the #$%! are my Keys?!" Offensive No offense, but... who are you and what are you doing at my blog? Ugh!I'm really sorry, I ran out of my ADD medication a couple days ago and I keep getting sidetracked and forgetting to go refill the prescription so I am having a little difficulty today remembering things.In fact, I forgot that I even had this blog until I came across it over at Blog Catalog and recognized my picture in the sidebar!It is pretty cool, who knew I was so funny?! :)Anyhoo.... being severely ADD is no fun! It has r[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Ladies & Gentlemen, Your Banner Contest Winners In case you missed it, the Riding with Rickey banner contest has come to a close. Initially, we had elaborate ideas for a banner consisting of Rickey Henderson driving an old timey pickup truck with all sorts of topical objects/knickknacks discussed here at RwR spilling out the back of the truck. But here’s the rub: have you seen how much Photoshop Suite costs? Much to Rickey’s chagrin, nefarious publishers like to charge a whole helluva lot for legitimate, non-pirated software. And we’ll be dam[...] Source: Riding With Rickey Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water!!! I saw the movie Jaws at an impressionable age. Living near the coast in South Florida I had daily opportunities to go to the beach. But I never wanted to go into the water because any time ANYTHING even so much as TOUCHED me (sea weed, coral, a friend) I freaked out - convinced that a shark was going to eat me.In fact, to get me out of water all you have to do is one of two things. The first is to look over my shoulder in surprise or horror. The second way is to hum the Jaws theme song. Da duh. [...] Source: The Blog of Bex Professor Quippy: More words not to use to describe Ebola According to the BBC, a researcher at the University of Wisconsin has created a “safe” and “harmless” version of the deadly Ebola virus. Yoshihiro Kawaoka believes he has created just such a version of the virus, by taking out a gene that normally allows it to replicate in cells. The hope is that having a a less apocalyptically lethal (i.e. “safe”) version of the virus will allow labs with lower biosecurity levels work on the disease. According to the BBC: [...] Source: The Skwib So wait…I wasn’t supposed to use the same password at every website I visited?? Well, dammit, thanks for telling me now. Don’t you think it’s a little last minute to give me this information now?? Now that my Amazon password has been stolen and $783.57 worth of Broadway soundtracks has been rung up on my American Express?? Don’t you think I could have used this little nugget of information beforehand?!? I mean, if I saw you pumping gas with your car running AND you were smoking a cigarette, I would certainly say something. I wouldn’t wait until y[...] Source: Central Snark Lonely visitors in the night I was sitting at home watching American Idol contestant and country pop star Kellie Pickler give Sherri Shepherd, former Homeland Security Advisor Frances Townsend, and Miss Teen South Carolina a run for their money for dumbest American (”I thought Europe was a country,” she says on national television, solidifying my already low opinion of those with southern accents) when Ninja Vicki comes out of my kitchen with a glass of orange juice in hand. “Why don’t you have anyth[...] Source: Renal Failure Its time has come: disposable pants Pants, especially jeans, are supposed to last long past the point at which they cease being fashionable and, sometimes, all the way to the time when they're fashionable again. For instance, The Wife and I attended a back-to-the-70s party a few years ago. To dress up for the event, we did what any couple would do: We raided her parents' closet at their beach house.And what a gold mine it was. I got to dress in a corduroy sport coat and an authentic pair of bell-bottom jeans that had nary a scratc[...] Source: Dorky Dad Its time has come: disposable pants Pants, especially jeans, are supposed to last long past the point at which they cease being fashionable and, sometimes, all the way to the time when they're fashionable again. For instance, The Wife and I attended a back-to-the-70s party a few years ago. To dress up for the event, we did what any couple would do: We raided her parents' closet at their beach house.And what a gold mine it was. I got to dress in a corduroy sport coat and an authentic pair of bell-bottom jeans that had nary a scratc[...] Source: Dorky Dad Its time has come: disposable pants Pants, especially jeans, are supposed to last long past the point at which they cease being fashionable and, sometimes, all the way to the time when they're fashionable again. For instance, The Wife and I attended a back-to-the-70s party a few years ago. To dress up for the event, we did what any couple would do: We raided her parents' closet at their beach house.And what a gold mine it was. I got to dress in a corduroy sport coat and an authentic pair of bell-bottom jeans that had nary a s |