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Archive for 3/16/2008 to 3/23/2008Weekend Bonus - Hygene OptionalIn this, my latest video blog, I share with the world a little known secret of of rock stardom. You’ve heard the CDs, you’ve seen the shows, but until you’ve sampled the unmistakable bouquet of rancid sweat wafting across a poorly lit stage, you haven’t lived the rock star experience. Hygiene Optional from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. If you are wondering where I acquired my staggering wealth of experience, then you must not be aware of the spine-tingling, genre-bending, pla[...] Source: The Ominous Comma  The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and guess who this Weekender Offender is dedicated to!!You got it, it is dedicated to Uncle Sam and the good ol' US of A.Why, you ask?!Are you kidding me?!Heh.Just ask anybody you know who the biggest offender in the world is, and they will tell you, "uh, it's AMERICA. Everyone knows that!!".Bwahahahaha, it's true, too.Hey, not only are we the biggest offender, but did you know that we are also the most EVIL offender on planet earth?!!That's right.Ame[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and guess who this Weekender Offender is dedicated to!!You got it, it is dedicated to Uncle Sam and the good ol' US of A.Why, you ask?!Are you kidding me?!Heh.Just ask anybody you know who the biggest offender in the world is, and they will tell you, "uh, it's AMERICA. Everyone knows that!!".Bwahahahaha, it's true, too.Hey, not only are we the biggest offender, but did you know that we are also the most EVIL offender on planet earth?!!That's right.Ame[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and guess who this Weekender Offender is dedicated to!!You got it, it is dedicated to Uncle Sam and the good ol' US of A.Why, you ask?!Are you kidding me?!Heh.Just ask anybody you know who the biggest offender in the world is, and they will tell you, "uh, it's AMERICA. Everyone knows that!!".Bwahahahaha, it's true, too.Hey, not only are we the biggest offender, but did you know that we are also the most EVIL offender on planet earth?!!That's right.Ame[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Gearheads in training: Part II Before I start the second half of this post, I figured I'd share a picture of my old beater. This is what my 69 Impala looked like shortly after my father finally gave it to me:Or course, you'd have to picture it covered with fluorescent orange Rolling Stones tongues to get the full effect. As bad as that car looks, the 120-lb orange Subaru I was driving during the reign of the Slugmobile was much, much worse. When I finally got the Impala, The Slug had also moved on to his own car, which was[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Childhood Fears I was a nervous kind of kid growing up. There was a lady who lived across the street who didn't have a right arm from the elbow down. Nobody would give me a straight answer as to where the rest of her arm was RIGHT NOW and what the hell happened to it. Was she born that way? Got caught up in a major biker fight? An army of rabid flesh eating armadillos got her? WHAT?! To make matters worse she was the kind of woman who shellacked on the makeup. She looked like she couldn't stand next to a 60 wa[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Childhood Fears I was a nervous kind of kid growing up. There was a lady who lived across the street who didn't have a right arm from the elbow down. Nobody would give me a straight answer as to where the rest of her arm was RIGHT NOW and what the hell happened to it. Was she born that way? Got caught up in a major biker fight? An army of rabid flesh eating armadillos got her? WHAT?! To make matters worse she was the kind of woman who shellacked on the makeup. She looked like she couldn't stand next to a 60 wa[...] Source: The Blog of Bex If I Was On The KFC Board Of Directors… I’d send a nice, heartfelt greeting card to all the PETA Members wishing them a nice Easter holiday. — For more finger lick’n goodness, check out humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Extremely Funny The Yard I’d like to revisit my previous post about the quarter-acre weed patch that I inherited with the house. The stuff in this patch was as high as my head, and just as dense. When we moved in, I had a two-year old and a newborn, and the honest truth is that I didn’t give a rat’s ass about it.Unfortunately, a neighbor up the street did and let Babycakes know that we were cultivating an invasive plant (Johnson Grass) in our yard. I’m not entirely sure how he spotted our travesty from the road since it[...] Source: Honey Pie The Yard I’d like to revisit my previous post about the quarter-acre weed patch that I inherited with the house. The stuff in this patch was as high as my head, and just as dense. When we moved in, I had a two-year old and a newborn, and the honest truth is that I didn’t give a rat’s ass about it.Unfortunately, a neighbor up the street did and let Babycakes know that we were cultivating an invasive plant (Johnson Grass) in our yard. I’m not entirely sure how he spotted our travesty from the road since it[...] Source: Honey Pie Saturday Meta 03/22/08 Renal Failure had it’s 30,000 hit this week. That’s pretty good, right? So where else can you find Renal Failure, aside from here? Well, if you look up “Renal Failure” on Google, this blog is the fifth result that appears. So maybe we can brighten the day of potential dialysis patients in the near future, if we’re not already doing that. Renal Failure is now listed on the All Top Humor page, hanging with some of our other Humor-Blogs.com associates. Also we were[...] Source: Renal Failure Saturday Meta 03/22/08 Renal Failure had it’s 30,000 hit this week. That’s pretty good, right? So where else can you find Renal Failure, aside from here? Well, if you look up “Renal Failure” on Google, this blog is the fifth result that appears. So maybe we can brighten the day of potential dialysis patients in the near future, if we’re not already doing that. Renal Failure is now listed on the All Top Humor page, hanging with some of our other Humor-Blogs.com associates. Also we were[...] Source: Renal Failure Saturday Meta 03/22/08 Renal Failure had it’s 30,000 hit this week. That’s pretty good, right? So where else can you find Renal Failure, aside from here? Well, if you look up “Renal Failure” on Google, this blog is the fifth result that appears. So maybe we can brighten the day of potential dialysis patients in the near future, if we’re not already doing that. Renal Failure is now listed on the All Top Humor page, hanging with some of our other Humor-Blogs.com associates. Also we were[...] Source: Renal Failure Saturday Meta 03/22/08 Renal Failure had it’s 30,000 hit this week. That’s pretty good, right? So where else can you find Renal Failure, aside from here? Well, if you look up “Renal Failure” on Google, this blog is the fifth result that appears. So maybe we can brighten the day of potential dialysis patients in the near future, if we’re not already doing that. Renal Failure is now listed on the All Top Humor page, hanging with some of our other Humor-Blogs.com associates. Also we were[...] Source: Renal Failure The Newest QOHA Winner: Sure to Offend Someone The faint scent of jasmine filled the air - wafted into the room by the faint sea breeze that seeped through the French doors opening onto the veranda from the master suite. I lay motionless in the large canopy bed, held suspended between wakefulness and sleep... and I waited.Then SHE appeared. Like a specter of desire, she entered the room."You're late" I said as she paused at the foot of the bed."I..I couldn't get away", she stammered softly, her eyes on mine. "This is wrong Don. So wrong."Eve[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Don't step on my blue suedeless shoes! -Day 81.-.Do you think I'm overreacting and should stop this whole complaining about the weather business??I am submitting proof as to why I'm pulling out my eyelashes one at a time!!!! .Okay, here is a picture of what my backyard looked like on Thursday:This is what it looked like on Friday!:.I might be exagerating just a little bit. It didn't look exactly like the first picture but it was damn close! No snow, sunny, and all around springy..When I got out of work, I had to remove the mini North[...] Source: Bee's Musings More Than Words I am sick, and apparently I am being a big infant about it. Rumor has it I have mentioned the crappitudinous suckitude that I feel maybe a time or ten too many to garner total sympathy. So, instead of unloading my verbal menstruation on you as though you were my husband, instead, I shall just show you how I am feeling through a series of pictures. Interpret them however you see fit.To: You From: MeWith: Love How about clicking here: humor-blogs.com. Mmmkay.http://thisblogiseggsalady.blogspot[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Nothing Worse. Listed on Humor-Blogs.com My greatest fear has always been the prospect of having some trauma or some injury that turns me stupid. As it stands now, I am no towering intellect; I was once fooled into thinking that The Love Boat was actually the USS Nimitz. Regardless, I am chilled to the bone at the [...][...] Source: The Reasonable Ego Nothing Worse. Listed on Humor-Blogs.com My greatest fear has always been the prospect of having some trauma or some injury that turns me stupid. As it stands now, I am no towering intellect; I was once fooled into thinking that The Love Boat was actually the USS Nimitz. Regardless, I am chilled to the bone at the [...][...] Source: The Reasonable Ego Breakin' In JD We're all back home and the yard has reached maximum ratty status so I dusted the cat hair off the old lawn tractor and hoped it would start. Actually, I first hoped I had gas and that I could find the pump for the flat front tire.When we first moved into our house, we had our new-home-buyer goggles on and the three acres of park-like lawn sucked me in. When you purchase a house with three acres, the first thing you do is spend another several thousand on a riding lawn mower. So we came to own o[...] Source: Honey Pie It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday! Two hours at the internist today. My blood pressure was 2 million over 1 million. So then he gave me Xanax and it dipped to 54 over 13. Sixty Xanax! With one refill! What surgery?I've always wondered if anyone out there has a foolproof way to signal to another driver you know you're in the wrong. Driving to the doctor I was trying to cross 2 lanes in one block length amid bumper to bumper traffic so I could make a left hand turn. I had my turn signal on and was trying to ease over when a huge SU[...] It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday! Two hours at the internist today. My blood pressure was 2 million over 1 million. So then he gave me Xanax and it dipped to 54 over 13. Sixty Xanax! With one refill! What surgery?I've always wondered if anyone out there has a foolproof way to signal to another driver you know you're in the wrong. Driving to the doctor I was trying to cross 2 lanes in one block length amid bumper to bumper traffic so I could make a left hand turn. I had my turn signal on and was trying to ease over when a huge SU[...] Breakin' In JD We're all back home and the yard has reached maximum ratty status so I dusted the cat hair off the old lawn tractor and hoped it would start. Actually, I first hoped I had gas and that I could find the pump for the flat front tire.When we first moved into our house, we had our new-home-buyer goggles on and the three acres of park-like lawn sucked me in. When you purchase a house with three acres, the first thing you do is spend another several thousand on a riding lawn mower. So we came to own o[...] Source: Honey Pie Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer [...] Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer [...] It's Fantastic-Frou-Frou-French-Food Friday! This Frenchy-French Crepe Cafe opened up here in the Houston suburbs last summer. It's a welcome change of pace to have a bit of Ooh-La-La added to the landscape since we've already reached the maximum quota allowed per capita of Mexican restaurants that specialize in serving food identical to your favorite Banquet brand heat-and-eat frozen dinner entrees. I guess as parents we just haven't infused enough culinary culture into the life of our mini-Infidels because oldest daughter, Sunbum had no[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel It's Fantastic-Frou-Frou-French-Food Friday! This Frenchy-French Crepe Cafe opened up here in the Houston suburbs last summer. It's a welcome change of pace to have a bit of "Ooh-La-La" added to the landscape since we've already reached the maximum quota allowed per capita of Mexican restaurants that specialize in serving food identical to your favorite Banquet brand heat-and-eat frozen dinner entrees. I guess as parents we just haven't infused enough culture into the life of our many mini-Infidels because oldest daughter, Sunbum had no i[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel It's Bacon, Baby! Never in my life have I uttered the phrase, "What the...oh, man...yuck...this has TOO much bacon on it!" I've never even thought it. Which leads me to conclude that there is NO SUCH THING as too much bacon. BLT's, salads, bacon and eggs...I've had it all. As a matter of fact - now that I'm thinking about - the only thought I've ever really had is, "You know...this could really use a little MORE bacon. I didn't quite get enough of it."My husband makes a delicious salad that has an onion and bacon[...] Source: The Blog of Bex It's Bacon, Baby! Never in my life have I uttered the phrase, "What the...oh, man...yuck...this has TOO much bacon on it!" I've never even thought it. Which leads me to conclude that there is NO SUCH THING as too much bacon. BLT's, salads, bacon and eggs...I've had it all. As a matter of fact - now that I'm thinking about - the only thought I've ever really had is, "You know...this could really use a little MORE bacon. I didn't quite get enough of it."My husband makes a delicious salad that has an onion and bacon[...] Source: The Blog of Bex what? i’m not white? so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look. after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black. here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like. soccer: i hate soccer. i coa[...] Source: leighonline what? i’m not white? so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look. after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black. here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like. soccer: i hate soccer. i coa[...] Source: leighonline Most Sports Fans are Complete Idiots What’s my idea of hell on earth? It’s being trapped in an elevator with Pauly Shore, Rosie O’Donnell, a can of open tuna already two days old, and a stupid sports fan. Now, please do not misunderstand: not liking or knowing much about sports doesn’t make you stupid. I know zilch about hockey and couldn’t care less about it. Last time I checked, hockey trivia isn’t included on most IQ tests. You’re also not stupid if you like sports, but you do not know t[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Thag not grok god! The natural world was not a mystery — when it rained, they got wet. If they were in the mountains, rain was dangerous because it would swell the streams, making them difficult or impossible to cross. Rain made hunting more difficult, as it tamped down the signs of prey. For Thag, these things were evident, not a cause of mystery. They were cause and effect. But for others in the Thunka Grunka Clan, rain was one of a thousand mysteries that only their shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, [...] Source: The Skwib Thag not grok god! The natural world was not a mystery — when it rained, they got wet. If they were in the mountains, rain was dangerous because it would swell the streams, making them difficult or impossible to cross. Rain made hunting more difficult, as it tamped down the signs of prey. For Thag, these things were evident, not a cause of mystery. They were cause and effect. But for others in the Thunka Grunka Clan, rain was one of a thousand mysteries that only their shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, [...] Source: The Skwib Thag not grok god! The natural world was not a mystery — when it rained, they got wet. If they were in the mountains, rain was dangerous because it would swell the streams, making them difficult or impossible to cross. Rain made hunting more difficult, as it tamped down the signs of prey. For Thag, these things were evident, not a cause of mystery. They were cause and effect. But for others in the Thunka Grunka Clan, rain was one of a thousand mysteries that only their shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, [...] Source: The Skwib John Waters’ Rainbow Six Tina the Lesbian pulls into her driveway after a hard day at whatever job lesbians have. And that’s when our local frightened-by-everything couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley appear from their hiding spot behind her bushes. “What the hell are you doing?” says Tina the Lesbian. “Sorry for doing this,” says Sean Wheatley. “But for some reason you wouldn’t answer your door.” “We would ring the door bell for a half hour with no response,” say[...] Source: Renal Failure The "Jesus WAS My Copilot" Offensive So, you know those "offensive" bumper stickers that some people always seem to enjoy getting all uptight over? I know, I love those too! In fact, I have a few of them slapped on the ass end of my monster truck.My favorite one says, "Hey, I hope you slam into the the back of my big truck and die or become horribly disfigured, you tailgating bastard!"Heh.I hate tailgaters!!Oh, and here's my other favorite one:Hooyah!!Hey, don't give me that look.I mean, I'm not a big wine drinker so I would have h[...] Source: The Offended Blogger My life in six stinking words On most days, even when I can't think of anything to post about, I can sit here with a blank screen, start typing and something eventually makes it onto my blog. Sure, it may suck butt, but it's still legible and in English and the spelling is above average, even if there is the periodic typo.Yet I've recently been given the biggest challenge of my blogging life: Keep it short.Specifically, Citizen of the World (whose blog, A Little Off Kilter, is impossible to read without getting the irresisti[...] Source: Dorky Dad "Snizzel"??? They're predicting 6 inches of snizzle??? -Day 80!-I'm not kidding. The news said we were getting snizzle! I cannot believe winter is being such a BITCH!! I was walking around with just a sweater these past few days and now back to shoveling snow!! Well, I don't shovel snow personally, I have a boy who does that. Don't feel too bad for him, he gets paid in kisses. ;o)Anyway, disturbing searches reported to me by my trusty Sitemeter. You can click on the links to see what else came up for these sickos! Uh... unless they found me so enter[...] Source: Bee's Musings Other Savannah Pastimes A favorite pastime in Mom's house is trying to locate the item with the oldest expiration date. There used to be plenty of meds or first aid items in the closet that I could vividly remember using when I was a teen. On my last visit, overcome by my inner-Health Department, I chucked out about two grocery bags of iodine, hydrogen peroxide and toothpaste that had reached it's peak when Duran Duran did.Because of my previous haul to the dumpster - this quest was harder. I did find a bottle of Betad[...] Source: Honey Pie Detroit to America : Come Buy a Mansion, or Two According to a story in the Detroit Free Press last week, "Queen of Soul" Aretha Franklin risks losing her mansion in Detroit due to some unpaid back taxes. Fortunately for Aretha (seen in this photo, for some reason dressed as Elton John), this has nothing to do with the subprime mortgage crisis, Ben Bernanke or The Don. Apparently the problem is due to "celebrity attorney error", and once her back taxes are paid then everything will be hunky-dory. What Armadi[...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Detroit to America : Come Buy a Mansion, or Two According to a story in the Detroit Free Press last week, "Queen of Soul" Aretha Franklin risks losing her mansion in Detroit due to some unpaid back taxes. Fortunately for Aretha (seen in this photo, for some reason dressed as Elton John), this has nothing to do with the subprime mortgage crisis, Ben Bernanke or The Don. Apparently the problem is due to "celebrity attorney error", and once her back taxes are paid then everything will be hunky-dory. What Armadi[...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Ominous Blog Reactions - Installation I recently came across a post at FruitFullTime, the internet’s most trusted authority in the field of professional produce, which proclaimed the many benefits of instilling feelings in your audience. Which led me to wonder what feelings I am instilling in my readers. Desperation? Loathing? Giggiliness? Giggilomania? The answer of course, is none: After all, why instill emotion when you can install it? “So what shall we put in today Sam, ‘Elation’ or ‘Irrational At[...] Source: The Ominous Comma To Dream the Impossible Dream If you think my brain is twisted enough when I’m awake, you should see how things look when I’m asleep. Here are a few of the recurring dreams I’ve been having for years: 1. I’m lying on the couch in the living room of my childhood home. The room is packed from floor to ceiling with very large balloons. They are suffocating me. It’s only when the clown comes downstairs and parts the balloons as he walks through the room that I can breathe again. 2. I’m suspe[...] Source: The Junk Drawer Worst Boss Ever Sorry for the delay in posting today; it's been another crazy day. I promised you the story of the worst boss I've ever had, so here it is. I'll warn you that it's a little long, and not so much funny as sad. There's no happy ending, except for the fact that I don't work for the ass-hat any more. Unfortunately, people don't always get what they deserve. Sometimes you just have to be content with the knowledge that stupidity is its own punishment.In September of 2002, I took a job as the web[...] The Stuff They Never Tell You About My sweet cousin, Melissa, is in the process of adopting a child! One of the requirements in the adoption process, is baby proofing the home. She was sharing some of the things that needed to be done and commenting that the list of baby proofing was a mile long. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the list was only a fragment of things that really needed to be changed in her abode, to accommodate the arrival of a child. So here is an addendum to the standard list. I call it the "Survival Lis[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Stuff They Never Tell You About My sweet cousin, Melissa, is in the process of adopting a child! One of the requirements in the adoption process, is baby proofing the home. She was sharing some of the things that needed to be done and commenting that the list of baby proofing was a mile long. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the list was only a fragment of things that really needed to be changed in her abode, to accommodate the arrival of a child. So here is an addendum to the standard list. I call it the "Survival Lis[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Stuff They Never Tell You About My sweet cousin, Melissa, is in the process of adopting a child! One of the requirements in the adoption process, is baby proofing the home. She was sharing some of the things that needed to be done and commenting that the list of baby proofing was a mile long. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the list was only a fragment of things that really needed to be changed in her abode, to accommodate the arrival of a child. So here is an addendum to the standard list. I call it the "Survival Lis[...] Source: Seven Seeds Piss and get off the pot! Have your children ever had diarrhea? If so, then you know how it feels to want to just glue their butt to the toilet seat so that you don't have to make the trip to the bathroom thirty eight times a day. But no matter how bad it gets, you know that it wouldn't be kosher to really leave them on the toilet. In fact, leaving a kid sitting on a potty for more than five or six minutes is just cruelty. You know damn well how bad your own butt hurts after sitting on the pot for awhile. You get pins an[...] Source: Seven Seeds Piss and get off the pot! Have your children ever had diarrhea? If so, then you know how it feels to want to just glue their butt to the toilet seat so that you don't have to make the trip to the bathroom thirty eight times a day. But no matter how bad it gets, you know that it wouldn't be kosher to really leave them on the toilet. In fact, leaving a kid sitting on a potty for more than five or six minutes is just cruelty. You know damn well how bad your own butt hurts after sitting on the pot for awhile. You get pins an[...] Source: Seven Seeds Piss and get off the pot! Have your children ever had diarrhea? If so, then you know how it feels to want to just glue their butt to the toilet seat so that you don't have to make the trip to the bathroom thirty eight times a day. But no matter how bad it gets, you know that it wouldn't be kosher to really leave them on the toilet. In fact, leaving a kid sitting on a potty for more than five or six minutes is just cruelty. You know damn well how bad your own butt hurts after sitting on the pot for awhile. You get pins an[...] Source: Seven Seeds Piss and get off the pot! Have your children ever had diarrhea? If so, then you know how it feels to want to just glue their butt to the toilet seat so that you don't have to make the trip to the bathroom thirty eight times a day. But no matter how bad it gets, you know that it wouldn't be kosher to really leave them on the toilet. In fact, leaving a kid sitting on a potty for more than five or six minutes is just cruelty. You know damn well how bad your own butt hurts after sitting on the pot for awhile. You get pins an[...] Source: Seven Seeds The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.That's right!!Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)Actually, my original goal with [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.That's right!!Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)Actually, my original goal with [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.That's right!!Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)Actually, my original goal with [...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.That's right!!Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)Actually, my original goal with [...] Source: The Offended Blogger Aerosmith in my Breakfast Nook "Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook? Excellent! Allright!" Who can forget Wayne Campbell of Wayne's World fame, and how excited he and Garth were to have Aerosmith in his breakfast nook. That would be pretty cool, unless Joe Perry started going through your refrigerator. Yuk. I can't say that I've ever had a major American rock band in my humble abode, but living in Austin Texas (Live Music Capital of the World) you run into almost as many musicians as you do[...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Getting It On With Dissimilar Triplets My apologies for yesterday's un-funny post. My wife wasn't home and I had no one but the dogs to rant at. And they always take it so personally that I have to assuage my guilt by giving them a biscuit. Recent political situations have caused them both to gain 20 pounds.Anyway, today I'd like to call your attention to three blogs that I've recently begun reading. These three really get me thinking or laughing and often both at the same time. This is a dangerous situation for me because my mental [...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... And The Weird Get Weirder Do you remember the strange lady who called last week and requested that I do an experiment that required is to spank the kids? She was writing a thesis paper and wanted us to answer questions on discipline then participate in the spanking experiment. I told her, "No way," because we are trying to get away from spanking and how detrimental would that be to back pedal on our progress? I told her that I was very busy trying to pack for camp. We hung up and that was the end of that. Yesterday, the [...] Source: Seven Seeds And The Weird Get Weirder Do you remember the strange lady who called last week and requested that I do an experiment that required is to spank the kids? She was writing a thesis paper and wanted us to answer questions on discipline then participate in the spanking experiment. I told her, "No way," because we are trying to get away from spanking and how detrimental would that be to back pedal on our progress? I told her that I was very busy trying to pack for camp. We hung up and that was the end of that. Yesterday, the [...] Source: Seven Seeds Spare The Rude, Spoil The Grandma My kids are notorious for sharing what's on their minds, often at the expense of other's feelings (they get it from their father.) I always give them the manners speech before going out into public and being a house guest. But I just never know...ya know?At the dinner table, the discussion turned to their say at grandma's house. Grandma is an expert spoiler. She has over thirty grand kids and 21 years of grand kid spoiling experience. The lady is a pro! She finds a way to make everything special[...] Source: Seven Seeds Spare The Rude, Spoil The Grandma My kids are notorious for sharing what's on their minds, often at the expense of other's feelings (they get it from their father.) I always give them the manners speech before going out into public and being a house guest. But I just never know...ya know?At the dinner table, the discussion turned to their say at grandma's house. Grandma is an expert spoiler. She has over thirty grand kids and 21 years of grand kid spoiling experience. The lady is a pro! She finds a way to make everything special[...] Source: Seven Seeds Six Weeks Without Primary Elections? Everyone complained about the primary scheduling but did anyone notice the six weeks of no elections whatsoever? Did the DNC and the RNC not consider us bloggers and political humor columnists? What the hell are we going to write about? Some are trying to come up with good fodder for us. This week President Bush is drumming up the positives about the Iraq War as we hit the five-year mark Wednesday. Cheney is still claiming Hussein had something to do with 911. McCain is busy confusing which[...] My Bad Arena Stage Audition My dad had signed me up for a six week summer theatre course at Arena Stage in Washington D.C. while I was still in Paris, getting ready to come home to finish my last two years of university. The course was great and at the end of it, I was invited to participate in an open audition for the repertory company. I had been going to Arena Stage since I was 15 years old. My parents dragged me and my sister to every museum, play and art gallery in the free world. At the time it was annoying. Now I'm [...] Beijing Olympic Mascots: Revisited Readers who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer. As we can see from the news, the Chinese government has really started training hard for the first sport: Tibetan Dissident Biathlon 50-Meter Land Requisition Event Organ Relay Hu Flung Falongong Forced Sterilization Footy Press Clubbing Amnesty International[...] Source: The Skwib Don’t Even Bother Trying to Dance in March, Because I’ve Already Cut the Rug Up and Chucked it in My Trunk It’s that time of year again- time for The Freaky Foxtrot, The Leaping Lambada, The Sizzling Salsa. That’s right, they call it The Big Dance, and I’ve got all the right moves. I’m like Tom Cruise slidin’ across the floor in his skivvies. I’m like Prince telling y’all that there’s only one year left until the millenium. I’m like Michael Jackson- actually, now that I stop and think about it, I’m not too much like Michael Jackson. Anyway, we here at The Frog Bog are happy- no, elated- to welc[...] Source: The Frog Bog Just further proof that a benevolent, merciful God does not exist Yesterday was the five year anniversary of the start of the Iraq War, but we’re observing it today because I can’t really account for my whereabouts yesterday. Strange. Anyway, so we’re observing it today, but we weren’t sure how. So Bernie the half-cyborg cat and I went to the local pub for margaritas served in an Army helmet. “I have a question,” says Bernie. “I have an answer,” I say. “May not be the one you’re looking for, but i[...] Source: Renal Failure My pre-parenthood self was an idiot The following statement will make most of you think that I've been possessed by the spirit of Captain Obvious:Parenting is a lot different now that I actually have a kid.Let me explain. For years, I thought I knew all that was required to be a parent. Lose a little sleep, make sure the kid eats and gets to bed on time, ensure that he doesn't spend too long in a messy diaper, take him to a few ball games, teach him the birds and the bees, hide the car keys from him, save for his college education[...] Source: Dorky Dad My pre-parenthood self was an idiot The following statement will make most of you think that I've been possessed by the spirit of Captain Obvious:Parenting is a lot different now that I actually have a kid.Let me explain. For years, I thought I knew all that was required to be a parent. Lose a little sleep, make sure the kid eats and gets to bed on time, ensure that he doesn't spend too long in a messy diaper, take him to a few ball games, teach him the birds and the bees, hide the car keys from him, save for his college education[...] Source: Dorky Dad Maybe I can be there for their divorce? -Day 79.-So, the hubs and I are invited to a wedding.To those of you who know me and those that don’t will now learn, I AM AN ANTI-SOCIALITE. There! I said it! Loud and proud! I hate going places that involve small talk and strangers. ... And table manners. "Whadda ya mean I shouldn't lick my fingers? How will that saucy goodness get into my mouth otherwise??"This here is my favorite arena. I can go around talking to you peeps via the interworldwideweb without having to wash my face, dress up, s[...] Source: Bee's Musings How to live like a rock star... AND shed unwanted pounds! I haven't written much about my days as a musician on the road. Mostly because this time was either too boring to write about, or it was too "not boring enough" for this blog.One story I can write about involves a winter/spring we spent in Florida in 1985. We were booked throughout the entire state from the panhandle to Key West for 6 solid months, and life was one big happy party... that is until two nightclubs canceled our engagements back-to-back, leaving an unexpected two-week hole right sma[...] Source: View From The Cloud Dog Bite Pictures As promised, here are the pictures of Daniel, as he heals from the dog bite. I don't have a picture of him today, but I'll add one later. It amazes me how quickly his body healed and he is almost completely normal again. He is still just as handsome as ever!Day after the attack.Three days after.Seven days after. Twelve days after (taken today.)www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds Hillary’s New Campaign Manager In attempt to regain some momentum from Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton has hired a new campaign manager, who will assist in showing her love for ethnicity. Coco, who is originally from Africa, took his first day as campaign manager and political witch doctor in stride, and not without its own controversy. Upon taking questions from the press, a frazzled Coco jumped on top of a CNN correspondent, and proceeded to throw feces at other members of the press. – If you are interested in fecal m[...] Source: Extremely Funny nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, panic spreading far and wide… who can turn the tide? No matter how hard I try, I’ve found that I simply cannot read Baltasar Gracián without thinking about Battlestar Galactica at some point along the way. The old version from the 70’s, not the new one. Because retro is cool, but you aren’t. Not really. So I was in the Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a lime squeezer and some astringent which was meant to be a gift for you because of your acne but now I’ve blown the surprise so I’m taking it back and you&r[...] Source: turkeyblog nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, panic spreading far and wide… who can turn the tide? No matter how hard I try, I’ve found that I simply cannot read Baltasar Gracián without thinking about Battlestar Galactica at some point along the way. The old version from the 70’s, not the new one. Because retro is cool, but you aren’t. Not really. So I was in the Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a lime squeezer and some astringent which was meant to be a gift for you because of your acne but now I’ve blown the surprise so I’m taking it back and you&r[...] Source: turkeyblog nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, panic spreading far and wide… who can turn the tide? No matter how hard I try, I’ve found that I simply cannot read Baltasar Gracián without thinking about Battlestar Galactica at some point along the way. Am I right, people? OMGLOL. I’m referring to the old version from the 70’s, mind you, and not the new one. Because retro is cool, but you aren’t. Not really. So I was in the Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a lime squeezer and some astringent which was meant to be a gift for you because of your acne but now I&r[...] Source: turkeyblog nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, panic spreading far and wide… who can turn the tide? No matter how hard I try, I’ve found that I simply cannot read Baltasar Gracián without thinking about Battlestar Galactica at some point along the way. Am I right, people? OMGLOL. I’m referring to the old version from the 70’s, mind you, and not the new one. Because retro is cool, but you aren’t. Not really. So I was in the Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a lime squeezer and some astringent which was meant to be a gift for you because of your acne but now I&r[...] Source: turkeyblog nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, panic spreading far and wide… who can turn the tide? No matter how hard I try, I’ve found that I simply cannot read Baltasar Gracián without thinking about Battlestar Galactica at some point along the way. Am I right, people? OMGLOL. I’m referring to the old version from the 70’s, mind you, and not the new one. Because retro is cool, but you aren’t. Not really. So I was in the Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a lime squeezer and some astringent which was meant to be a gift for you because of your acne but now I&r[...] Source: turkeyblog Wow, I Didn't Know That You Could Get That In A Giant Economy Pack! This post is sashaying about flirtatiously right on my self-imposed boundary lines of decency. However, I can no longer quell the constant internal dialogue that strikes up within me whenever I bear witness to the pervasive fugliness on display in this yard. If you're easily offended, this is an opportune time to go catch up on your Smurf latch-hook pillow project you've been working on for the past 25 years.Behold The Wicked Light Fixtures Lighting Up The Forbidden Path:And Here's The Up Close [...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Stink-A-Palooza At The Prescott's My dryer is broken. My laundry room smells like an un-air conditioned meat market in July. There are piles of laundry from camping, in addition to the normal loads. Argh! I hate getting behind on laundry. Do not suggest a trip to the local laundromat either.When Daniel and I were first married, we lived in an apartment with no room for a washer and dryer. We used the community laundry room. Laundry day was a gag fest. The people in our complex were nasty. The laundry room smelled like tortillas [...] Source: Seven Seeds Stink-A-Palooza At The Prescott's My dryer is broken. My laundry room smells like an un-air conditioned meat market in July. There are piles of laundry from camping, in addition to the normal loads. Argh! I hate getting behind on laundry. Do not suggest a trip to the local laundromat either.When Daniel and I were first married, we lived in an apartment with no room for a washer and dryer. We used the community laundry room. Laundry day was a gag fest. The people in our complex were nasty. The laundry room smelled like tortillas [...] Source: Seven Seeds Gearheads in training: Part I Since nothing funny happened to me this week, I'm going to have to plumb the depths of my childhood once more. I'm sorry. I keep telling you people not to expect too much, but do you listen? No, you do not.This isn't a particularly funny story, but I'm going to tell it anyway. Since Spring is almost upon us and the convertibles will be out soon, my own included, I figured I'd recount the tale of me, The Slug, and his mother's 1972 Cutlass Supreme Convertible, which looked exactly like this:Excep[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch child killing I'm a fairly simple fellow. And there's very little happening on this big old ball of alumino-silicates that I can't find in some way humorous.However, there is a limit and the story below is well beyond it.Apparently a man in North Carolina just killed his two young children. Steven Henry offed his kids, ostensibly in a custody and visitation dispute before ending his own life. The filthy coward. The local Sheriff called the incidence sad.No doubt some will start speaking about diminished capac[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Alternating Between Love and Hate Sorry about yesterday's little rant. I don’t think Grûndir realized that many of you are newer readers, and therefore are not familiar with his terrifying visage. For those who don’t know, Grûndir the Implacable is one of the nine Nazgûl, or ring-wraiths, who once served the dark lord Sauron. Grûndir fell on hard times after Sauron’s fall, taking on various odd jobs until eventually being hired by the Mattress Police to dispatch troublesome memes that I don’t feel like dealing with. He’s als[...] Down South Trip Report, Part II A few miles from South of the Border, we passed a sign that I quickly dismissed - "Accident Ahead - Be Prepared to Stop". If I knew then what I know now, the gang and I may have tried on a few more "Hats of the World" cheeseburger chapeaus.I-95 quickly ground to a halt. Not one of those packs where you inch along slowly, but a full-blown turn-off-your-car stop. For an hour and a half. On a strip of highway sandwiched between 2 swampy areas with no pee coverage. Here's the view to the front and t[...] Source: Honey Pie Gratuitously Powerful Blogging If you’re looking for a little afternoon reading, why not check out the always-entertaining Carnival of the Insanities? Or perhaps you are feeling sluggish and you need gratuitous amounts of energy. Forget Brawndo, what you need is PowerThirst: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs Humor-blogs.com has the power of 400 screaming babies. Share [...] Source: The Skwib Quitting Coffee Cold Turkey I have probably written about coffee more than any other topic here on my blog. On one hand, this fact is incredibly sad. On the other hand, it is a testament to the awesome power coffee and its French vanilla goodness have over me. It is also evidence for how incredibly difficult what I am about to do is going to be. I am quitting coffee. I am quitting it cold turkey. I know. These statements are probably on par with a vampire swearing off blood or Tom Cruise saying he is giving up crazy pills,[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Shouldn't He know? submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatSo much for Omnipresence.------------------------------------------------------submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatCome celeb-ate the Esu--ection!------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J"Some thought that we could come up with a non-crummy sign..."insert sign text here"...turns out those people were right"----------------------------------------------"Sin is the le[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs My Bad Minister Audition My second Los Angeles agent decided I not only could play a minister but a lesbian minister to boot. Since he was gay, what was I going to say? A lot you know about gay people? Before you start furiously typing in the comments section that nobody 'looks' gay let me respond with this. You've never been to Hollywood. I truly thought my agent would look at me after a year with him and say, "She cannot pull off a lesbian minister."I'm not sure people who aren't in the business know this but when you[...] Thag not wear hair gel! If he were honest, Thag would say that his affair with the nubile Vunga, the half-daughter of the shaman, could not last forever. Not only was she was at least ten years younger, but eventually the Thunka Grunka clan would demand that he and Onga — his actual mate — start warming sleeping furs together lest the delicate sexual balance of the cave be upset. He did NOT anticipate that the clan would adopt a knew beau for Vunga, but then again, her half-father, that foreskin with a for[...] Source: The Skwib Thag not wear hair gel! If he were honest, Thag would say that his affair with the nubile Vunga, the half-daughter of the shaman, could not last forever. Not only was she was at least ten years younger, but eventually the Thunka Grunka clan would demand that he and Onga — his actual mate — start warming sleeping furs together lest the delicate sexual balance of the cave be upset. He did NOT anticipate that the clan would adopt a knew beau for Vunga, but then again, her half-father, that foreskin with a for[...] Source: The Skwib To forget and serve Anonymous Doug is quite possibly the worst driver in town, yet he has no traffic tickets on his record. That’s because he drives an Anonymous car. Well, it’s a blue Honda Civic. Let’s say a cop pulls Anonymous Doug over for doing 60 in a school zone, because this is what happened the last time he gave me a ride somewhere. “License and registration,” says the cop, and Anonymous Doug complies. The cop walks back to his car and starts writing something, but then sud[...] Source: Renal Failure Spring Break! I'm off to Cáceres and I'll be back in a week. In the meantime help me stay up on the first page of Humor-Blogs.com and check out some of the hilarious stuff they have over at Scrivel. Have a great Easter, and I'll see you guys soon. Gotta run because my husband is pulling the car out of the drive...hey, wait for me![...] Source: The Rain in Spain... I'm not always a lady... sometimes I'm a duck. -Day 78. Everything has two sides--the outside that is ridiculous, and the inside that is solemn.--Olive Schreiner .I know you’re sick of hearing I’m sick but... honestly, I really don’t care. No no. I'm kidding. I feel better. I'm over the worst part. I'm just going thru the boogie part. .You guys know how much of a lady I am by now, right? I know some of you may disagree (you know who you are!) and I'll have to concede to having the occasional blunder or two..For example, Is there a ladylike w[...] Source: Bee's Musings The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice. We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer. Dear Author I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible[...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice. We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer. Dear Author I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible[...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice. We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer. Dear Author I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible[...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice. We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer. Dear Author I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible[...] Source: The Ominous Comma The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice. We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer. Dear Author I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Down South Trip Report, Part II A few miles from South of the Border, we passed a sign that I quickly dismissed - "Accident Ahead - Be Prepared to Stop". If I knew then what I know now, the gang and I may have tried on a few more "Hats of the World" cheeseburger chapeaus.I-95 quickly ground to a halt. Not one of those packs where you inch along slowly, but a full-blown turn-off-your-car stop. For an hour and a half. On a strip of highway sandwiched between 2 swampy areas with no pee coverage. Here's the view to the front and t[...] Source: Honey Pie Down South Trip Report, Part II A few miles from South of the Border, we passed a sign that I quickly dismissed - "Accident Ahead - Be Prepared to Stop". If I knew then what I know now, the gang and I may have tried on a few more "Hats of the World" cheeseburger chapeaus.I-95 quickly ground to a halt. Not one of those packs where you inch along slowly, but a full-blown turn-off-your-car stop. For an hour and a half. On a strip of highway sandwiched between 2 swampy areas with no pee coverage. Here's the view to the front and t[...] Source: Honey Pie Down South Trip Report, Part II A few miles from South of the Border, we passed a sign that I quickly dismissed - "Accident Ahead - Be Prepared to Stop". If I knew then what I know now, the gang and I may have tried on a few more "Hats of the World" cheeseburger chapeaus.I-95 quickly ground to a halt. Not one of those packs where you inch along slowly, but a full-blown turn-off-your-car stop. For an hour and a half. On a strip of highway sandwiched between 2 swampy areas with no pee coverage. Here's the view to the front and t[...] Source: Honey Pie First Cursed to Roam the Earth as a Wraith, and Now This? Eleven comments? Really?You know, Grundir's mental state was fragile enough when all he had to worry about was coping with an eternal living death and learning the ins and outs of scrap-booking. He makes the effort to do a solid post, taking on two very fierce-looking memes, baring his soul in the process, and you reward him with a meager eleven comments?How do you think it makes Grundir feel, knowing that my post about giving people the finger got nearly three times as many comments as he did[...] First Cursed to Roam the Earth as a Wraith, and Now This? Eleven comments? Really?You know, Grundir's mental state was fragile enough when all he had to worry about was coping with an eternal living death and learning the ins and outs of scrap-booking. He makes the effort to do a solid post, taking on two very fierce-looking memes, baring his soul in the process, and you reward him with a meager eleven comments?How do you think it makes Grundir feel, knowing that my post about giving people the finger got nearly three times as many comments as he did[...] Search and Rescue 2008. I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while -- namely, let Site-meter searches that landed on 15minutelunch dictate my blog entry. Lately, my Site Meter has been letting me down. It seems most of my hits have come from e-mail "unknowns" or actual searches for "15 minute lunch" so there hasn't been much blog fodder from that source. That's not to say the weird folk haven't been out -- just that it's been harder to catch them doing what they do. I still managed to catch a few, which[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch april whine well, i’m going to france. my husband won this company-sponsored sales contest and the first place winners and their significant others are receiving an all(most) expense paid trip to paris. my husband is ecstatic and has been doing his little happy dance all over the house. i’m being a cry-baby bitch. you see, the second place winners (also known as the losers, according to my husband) are going to cabo. let’s compare, shall we: paris spend two days traveling to get the[...] Source: leighonline Thy Name is Destiny, But Not For Long ArmadilloTrader has learned that Miley Cyrus has filed papers in court to have her name legally changed (that's her on the right). When I first heard about this, I thought that she was actually shallow enough to change her real name to that of her TV character's name, Hannah Montana. I thought "Great, another example of life imitating art, but not in a good way". Of course, that would also be stretching the definition of "art" a bit. Thankfully, that's not[...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Thy Name is Destiny, But Not For Long ArmadilloTrader has learned that Miley Cyrus has filed papers in court to have her name legally changed (that's her on the right). When I first heard about this, I thought that she was actually shallow enough to change her real name to that of her TV character's name, Hannah Montana. I thought "Great, another example of life imitating art, but not in a good way". Thankfully, that's not the case. It seems that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus (ranked #1 on the Top 10[...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Death and Sex WARNING!Todays blog is of a sensitive nature dealing with issues of death and sex. If either death and/or sex (and not necessarily in that order) leave you with what is often referred to by mental health professionals as the the 'Heebee Geebees', please stop reading now.(Like you are actually going to stop reading now. But I'm covered because if you ARE offended, (Hi Chelle B) you've got absolutely no way to legitimately complain about it to me. Sweet!)But first a few "fun" facts (Don't worry, w[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Death and Sex WARNING!Todays blog is of a sensitive nature dealing with issues of death and sex. If either death and/or sex (and not necessarily in that order) leave you with what is often referred to by mental health professionals as the the 'Heebee Geebees', please stop reading now.(Like you are actually going to stop reading now. But I'm covered because if you ARE offended, (Hi Chelle B) you've got absolutely no way to legitimately complain about it to me. Sweet!)But first a few "fun" facts (Don't worry, w[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Death and Sex WARNING!Todays blog is of a sensitive nature dealing with issues of death and sex. If either death and/or sex (and not necessarily in that order) leave you with what is often referred to by mental health professionals as the the 'Heebee Geebees', please stop reading now.(Like you are actually going to stop reading now. But I'm covered because if you ARE offended, (Hi Chelle B) you've got absolutely no way to legitimately complain about it to me. Sweet!)But first a few "fun" facts (Don't worry, w[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... My Supply Is Dwindling Is it wrong to tell your kids that the Girl Scout cookies are all gone and then sneak into your closet and scarf down a box of Carmel D-Lites in secrecy? If so...I don't wanna be right! I have found several wrappers from Thin Mints, Shortbread and Lemonades in my children's closets, under beds and shoved behind dressers. Which means one of two things: 1. I really suck at my cookie patrol duties.or2. They have become waaaaayyy too good at using one child to divert my attention while another sneak[...] Source: Seven Seeds My Supply Is Dwindling Is it wrong to tell your kids that the Girl Scout cookies are all gone and then sneak into your closet and scarf down a box of Carmel D-Lites in secrecy? If so...I don't wanna be right! I have found several wrappers from Thin Mints, Shortbread and Lemonades in my children's closets, under beds and shoved behind dressers. Which means one of two things: 1. I really suck at my cookie patrol duties.or2. They have become waaaaayyy too good at using one child to divert my attention while another sneak[...] Source: Seven Seeds My Bad Can-Can Audition I was living in Paris and decided to give up show business. I was actually relieved, which I took as a sign that I had overstayed my welcome in this miserable business. No more rejections, no more time wasted auditioning for things that I clearly was not right for. When I told my mother I had quit she sighed deeply and said, "Well thank God, Suz."Two days after I quit a friend called me and said he wanted me to interview with his agent. I turned him down. He said his agency needed an American gi[...] My Bad Can-Can Audition I was living in Paris and decided to give up show business. I was actually relieved, which I took as a sign that I had overstayed my welcome in this miserable business. No more rejections, no more time wasted auditioning for things that I clearly was not right for. When I told my mother I had quit she sighed deeply and said, "Well thank God, Suz."Two days after I quit a friend called me and said he wanted me to interview with his agent. I turned him down. He said his agency needed an American gi[...] My Bad Can-Can Audition I was living in Paris and decided to give up show business. I was actually relieved, which I took as a sign that I had overstayed my welcome in this miserable business. No more rejections, no more time wasted auditioning for things that I clearly was not right for. When I told my mother I had quit she sighed deeply and said, "Well thank God, Suz."Two days after I quit a friend called me and said he wanted me to interview with his agent. I turned him down. He said his agency needed an American gi[...] This Is Your Warning Shot Love can make you do crazy things. It can make a calculated person impetuous. It can consume your mind with thoughts of only your beloved. It can make you want to fly all the way to the other side of the country to slowly torture your wife's stalker by burning off his finger tips, breaking his wrists and ankles and poking out his eyes with a hot poker. That last sentiment was taken from a conversation I overheard my husband having with his brother, last night. My husband is a normally kind perso[...] Source: Seven Seeds Coming Soon, to a Court of Law Near You! I'm thinking about suing my neighbors kid. And let me tell you why:There is a lawyer who is suing the casino's in Atlantic City because she lost her house, her lucrative business and her parents home (?!) due to her gambling addiction. It seems that she began going to Atlantic City to "relax" after her hard work as a Big Deal lawyer and pretty soon she became compulsive about it. She began "liberating" funds from her clients escrow accounts to pay for her habit which led to her being disbarred f[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Knock knock Boy skids into the kitchen, in full lacrosse battle regalia, ready for his first day of practice."Listen to this, Mommy," he says.He bends over a bit and gives his, um... crotch-ular area a couple of raps with his knuckles.Knock, knock."Who's there?" I can never resist the easy jokes."It's my cup," he says, proudly."Ohhhh," I say, aiming for a tone somewhere between impressed and cavalier, and inwardly roll my eyes, thinking, Oh, men and their weenies, for the love of God!Of course it doesn't en[...] Source: Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife Knock knock Boy skids into the kitchen, in full lacrosse battle regalia, ready for his first day of practice."Listen to this, Mommy," he says.He bends over a bit and gives his, um... crotch-ular area a couple of raps with his knuckles.Knock, knock."Who's there?" I can never resist the easy jokes."It's my cup," he says, proudly."Ohhhh," I say, aiming for a tone somewhere between impressed and cavalier, and inwardly roll my eyes, thinking, Oh, men and their weenies, for the love of God!Of course it doesn't en[...] Source: Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife Knock knock Boy skids into the kitchen, in full lacrosse battle regalia, ready for his first day of practice."Listen to this, Mommy," he says.He bends over a bit and gives his, um... crotch-ular area a couple of raps with his knuckles.Knock, knock."Who's there?" I can never resist the easy jokes."It's my cup," he says, proudly."Ohhhh," I say, aiming for a tone somewhere between impressed and cavalier, and inwardly roll my eyes, thinking, Oh, men and their weenies, for the love of God!Of course it doesn't en[...] Source: Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife Coming soon to a gaming console near you: submitted/post title by new contributor Jamison SmithI wonder if there's a cheat code I can use instead.-------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln JSend in the clowns? Clowns in the send?(This one has me completely stumped. Anybody?!?)-----------------------------------------------"Time to think of your source of power."submitted by frequent contributor Chris JSays Chris: "Not too terribly funny until I saw one of these trucks a minute lat[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Coming soon to a gaming console near you: submitted/post title by new contributor Jamison SmithI wonder if there's a cheat code I can use instead.-------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln JSend in the clowns? Clowns in the send?(This one has me completely stumped. Anybody?!?)-----------------------------------------------"Time to think of your source of power."submitted by frequent contributor Chris JSays Chris: "Not too terribly funny until I saw one of these trucks a minute lat[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Coming soon to a gaming console near you: submitted/post title by new contributor Jamison SmithI wonder if there's a cheat code I can use instead.-------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln JSend in the clowns? Clowns in the send?(This one has me completely stumped. Anybody?!?)-----------------------------------------------"Time to think of your source of power."submitted by frequent contributor Chris JSays Chris: "Not too terribly funny until I saw one of these trucks a minute lat[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Thag do art! Ever since he’d started making the cave paintings, Thag had noticed that the women in the Thunka Grunka clan had been looking at him differently. Perhaps it was his position as the leader of the hunting party, but he thought it had more to do with his artwork. Whatever the case, he was gettin’ some on a regular basis. Nominally, he was still mated to Onga, but she had all but deserted him for that scrotum-with-eyes shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. In fact, it had been Onga’[...] Source: The Skwib The T-Lott Posse Gets Their Lil’ Kim I’m sitting at the bar having a four Long Island Iced Tea breakfast when the fliest cracker to ever walk the Senate floor Trent Lott comes rolling in wearing his purple dashiki. And he’s got some older-looking lady with him. “Hey yo yo yo! What it is, my honkeys!” Trent Lott announces to everyone, which is just me, the bartender, and one disinterested barmaid. “Hey, who’s that with you?” I ask. “This is here is the newest member of the T-Lott Po[...] Source: Renal Failure The "So, What are YOU Reading?" Offensive I don't know why, but I get a bit offended when certain people ask me, "so what book are you reading at the moment?". Ugh. Like it's any of their frigging business what it is that I'm reading! Maybe I can't read and I'm really touchy about it, did that ever occur to them?!Of course not.Heh. I always want to say, "Umm, what the hell do you want me to be reading? The Communist Manifesto?!".I mean, honestly.Sometimes, I actually do say, "Oh, I just finished reading 'The Marijuana Grower's Handbook[...] Source: The Offended Blogger To all the Pats I've loved before... It’s the seventeenth o’March, when we all give mad props,To a Saint whom we honor by getting sauced off of hops.Yes, SaintPatrick was fly; we all can agree,But there are other sexy Pats hella dope, can’t you see?As John Luc Picard, Patrick Stewart owned the Starfleet,And, look, in a loincloth he reveals his sweet man meat.That Slammin’ Pat Sajak is master of the Wheel,Our host with the most drips and drops sex appeal.Patrick Duffy is a stud many fans dreamed of doing,When he played JR’s brother[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady |