|
Blogegories
AdultCartoons Family Funny Photos Geek Humor Observational Humor Politics Pop Culture Satirical News Social Commentary |
Archive for 3/23/2008 to 3/30/2008Oohh...I LOVE a good streptease!Well. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I took my three kids to the pediatrician this morning to find out...Hot Damn! They all have strep throat! What glorious, glorious news!! This explains why I've been feeling like I had mono...I just figured that my laziness was coming to a head. But, no, I'm pretty sure I have the funk, too.So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he goes...you know, your bas[...] Source: The Blog of Bex  A quick game of tag Tag! I'm it! Kim, a fellow blogger, mommy to the adorable Landen and aspiring phtographer, tagged me to do a six word memoir on myself. I'm not creative when it comes to this stuff so I'll try my best:TalkativeStubbornGenerousEmotionalDrivenImpetuousNow it is my turn to tag five other bloggers and lay out the rules:SoniaBridgetMandyBrandiMegan FishThe RulesUse six words to describe yourselfAdd a picture (optional)Link back to the person who tagged youTag five new people and link to their blogsHa[...] Source: Seven Seeds She has her mother's... When I was little, I wanted to be like my mommy when I grew up. I thought that she was the prettiest woman in the world. As I got older, I noticed that not only was she pretty, but she also had a nice rack! In fact, her nice figure was what initially attracted my dad to her (which is funny to think about, since he is gay.)"Yes! There's hope for me!" I remember thinking as my female classmates blossomed and I remained the lone boobless preteen. I knew that I would follow in my mother's late bloom[...] Source: Seven Seeds It all started with my childhood, Doc! I despise matching outfits. I will never match my husband's outfits and will never force my children to coordinated ensembles. Why do I feel so strongly about this? If you looked through my old family albums, you would know why. Every holiday, family event and photo op consisted of matching dresses. My two sisters and I always wore matching, frilly dresses with hats, gloves and sometimes purses, lovingly made by my grandmother (as seen in the picture below.) I despised them. They were itchy, too[...] Source: Seven Seeds Overheard At The Comma When I saw “0 comments” I first thought people finally got bored with me, but several helpful individuals have pointed out that my blog is in fact broken and handing out File Not Found errors like dental floss at a rib restaurant. So, I’m trying again. —— “What’s wrong with the computer?” “Virus.” “Oh” —— Still hanging with Humor-blogs.com Bookmark to: [...] Source: The Ominous Comma Smooth her with your majestic dremel tool. I've commented before that some of the spam I get cracks me up -- most of the time it's not really the content of the e-mail that makes me laugh, but it's more about the creative descriptions used in the subject lines. The spammers try to come up with subjects that won't get picked up by simple subject-line filters, but will still be instantly meaningful to the recipient. To illustrate this point, here's a recent shot of my bulk mail folder:At first I thought it would be funny to draw cartoons[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Smooth her with your majestic dremel tool. I've commented before that some of the spam I get cracks me up -- most of the time it's not really the content of the e-mail that makes me laugh, but it's more about the creative descriptions used in the subject lines. The spammers try to come up with subjects that won't get picked up by simple subject-line filters, but will still be instantly meaningful to the recipient. To illustrate this point, here's a recent shot of my bulk mail folder:At first I thought it would be funny to draw cartoons[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Can I Get A Re-do? There are a few rules that a married couple should adhere to when on a date:No ogling other women/men.Fast food is not considered a real date unless you are grabbing a bite on the way to another venue (movies, theme park, etc...)No sweats allowed. Get dressed up.No talking about potential hot spots during the date (old flames, in-laws, finances, anything else that could trigger an argument.)No talking obsessively about the children.Do not get so plastered that you end up puking all over yourself[...] Source: Seven Seeds Can I Get A Re-do? There are a few rules that a married couple should adhere to when on a date:No ogling other women/men.Fast food is not considered a real date unless you are grabbing a bite on the way to another venue (movies, theme park, etc...)No sweats allowed. Get dressed up.No talking about potential hot spots during the date (old flames, in-laws, finances, anything else that could trigger an argument.)No talking obsessively about the children.Do not get so plastered that you end up puking all over yourself[...] Source: Seven Seeds Can I Get A Re-do? There are a few rules that a married couple should adhere to when on a date:No ogling other women/men.Fast food is not considered a real date unless you are grabbing a bite on the way to another venue (movies, theme park, etc...)No sweats allowed. Get dressed up.No talking about potential hot spots during the date (old flames, in-laws, finances, anything else that could trigger an argument.)No talking obsessively about the children.Do not get so plastered that you end up puking all over yourself[...] Source: Seven Seeds The Weekender Offender Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to George, my neighbor's dog.Yep, good old George.He really is a sweet dog, aside from the fact that thanks to his dumbass owners, he is free to roam the neighborhood day and night, crapping in everyone's yards, rummaging in our open garages or getting into the trash cans that he knocks over.His favorite past time is trampling our flowerbeds and generally being a real pain the the ass all over the neighborhood[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Poker Woes Damn you to hell Pokemon cards! Son of a buck - I actually pulled a tendon or whatever runs across the back of my right hand (muscle? vein? femur?) shuffling those stiff mothers. AND I’m playing poker tomorrow. AND my whole table image will be in the crapper if I can’t shuffle in my normal cool manner. How am I going to do tricks with my chips? OK…that’s a lie because I can’t do any tricks, but if I could…I’ll console myself with the fact that no matter how lame my shuffling may be, it won’t eve[...] Source: Honey Pie There's nothing like a bunch of randomness on a Saturday. -Day 88.I had an extremely crappy day Friday. That's all I need to say about that..Because of the life sucking day I had, this post will be a bunch of ranDUMBness..Random thing #Uno:.I had one sad little highlight to my day. .A vendor came in while I was being the office chump and gave me a couple of pens. I've had vendor pens before and they're usually good for a couple of messages then I file them under "G" for Garbage where they belong. .Not these pens! These pens write as if angels were guid[...] Source: Bee's Musings 6 Words + BACHELOR PARTY! -Day 86.-VE tagged me for the 6 word memoir.I first saw it on FADKOG's blog and played along too. I believe I cheated and used 24 words.Bored girl looks for electrifying experience. Electrician looking for funny bad girl. You may now kiss the bride. Happily, sometimes with booze, ever after.This time, I'll stay true to the SIX.I'm rebellious, outspoken, comical looking, loved. Perfect! (I'm not saying I'm perefect, I'm saying the Six Words are perfect.)(But I am.)Moving on.Okay people, you know [...] Source: Bee's Musings Controversial Teen/Young-Adult deterrent. The Barreness (=childless but not unhappy about it) brings you the real story! -Day 85.- The following post may contain material that is offensive to mothers. While I do not apologize for the words you’re about to read, I do want to make sure you do not live near me when you read them.You know, on the off chance you’d like to come over and get all in my face for talking smack about your offspring. Before you read on, you must answer this question.How long would it take you to get to Chicago?If your answer is “an hour or more”, you may read on.If your answer is “I’m standin[...] Source: Bee's Musings How Many Monkeys Can Your Beard Hold? During a recent visit to my sister-in-law’s house, my niece broke out the Barrel Of Monkeys and we played a few rounds. A comment was made about how big and bushy my beard had been getting, and the question was posed. Could my beard hold an entire Barrel of Monkeys? Well, here is your answer: My facial hair can in fact hold an entire Barrel Of Monkeys. And over 25 pens..but that’s a whole different story. — If you are interested in fecal throwing primates and body hair, yo[...] Source: Extremely Funny I'm on parole for good behavior! Got a baby sitter (actually two.)Gonna take a shower (it's been so long...not sure if I remember what to do.)Throw on some heels (no matter how painful.)Pick out a cute outfit (even though my fashion sense is shameful.)Oh baby it's date night!Gonna stay out late night!Finally get a break night!Gonna eat expensive steak night!Okay, sorry for the cheesy song, but I'm giddy with joy. I'm gettin' outta here with my husband for awhile. Not sure if my house will still be standing when we get back, but[...] Source: Seven Seeds I'm on parole for good behavior! Got a baby sitter (actually two.)Gonna take a shower (it's been so long...not sure if I remember what to do.)Throw on some heels (no matter how painful.)Pick out a cute outfit (even though my fashion sense is shameful.)Oh baby it's date night!Gonna stay out late night!Finally get a break night!Gonna eat expensive steak night!Okay, sorry for the cheesy song, but I'm giddy with joy. I'm gettin' outta here with my husband for awhile. Not sure if my house will still be standing when we get back, but[...] Source: Seven Seeds Poker Woes Damn you to hell Pokemon cards! Son of a buck - I actually pulled a tendon or whatever runs across the back of my right hand (muscle? vein? femur?) shuffling those stiff mothers. AND I’m playing poker tomorrow. AND my whole table image will be in the crapper if I can’t shuffle in my normal cool manner. How am I going to do tricks with my chips? OK…that’s a lie because I can’t do any tricks, but if I could…I’ll console myself with the fact that no matter how lame my shuffling may be, it won’t eve[...] Source: Honey Pie private eyes are watching you, they see your every move Hey there, Internet. I’d say sorry for being away for so long, but I just got back from the New York and I had such a great time that saying “sorry for being away for so long” would be a lie from the very pits of hell. And I don’t lie. Not as a habit, anyway. I saw the Knicks play a game they actually won, and I got to boo Isiah Thomas with approximately fifteen thousand other disgruntled Knick fans. What fun! But then at halftime they brought out some of the cripples to [...] Source: turkeyblog private eyes are watching you, they see your every move Hey there, Internet. I’d say sorry for being away for so long, but I just got back from the New York and I had such a great time that saying “sorry for being away for so long” would be a lie from the very pits of hell. And I don’t lie. Not as a habit, anyway. I saw the Knicks play a game they actually won, and I got to boo Isiah Thomas with approximately fifteen thousand other disgruntled Knick fans. What fun! But then at halftime they brought out some of the cripples to [...] Source: turkeyblog Come On In And Have A Seat! I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inapprop[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Come On In And Have A Seat! I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inapprop[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Come On In And Have A Seat! I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inapprop[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel pf changs is to the 2000s what singles bars were to the 1970s last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld. anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place[...] Source: leighonline pf changs is to the 2000s what singles bars were to the 1970s last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld. anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place[...] Source: leighonline pf changs is to the 2000s what singles bars were to the 1970s last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld. anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place[...] Source: leighonline Congrats to Renal Failure! Renal Failure wins this week, taking home the coveted In Your Face award:Seriously, stop coveting it, people. It's in the Bible.R.F. also gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. R.F., send me an email with your address so's I can ship it to you.Newcomer Avitable came in second, with:Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.And Jay took third, with:Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this[...] Congrats to Renal Failure! Renal Failure wins this week, taking home the coveted In Your Face award:Seriously, stop coveting it, people. It's in the Bible.R.F. also gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. R.F., send me an email with your address so's I can ship it to you.Newcomer Avitable came in second, with:Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.And Jay took third, with:Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this[...] Cirque De Shoeleil # 5 Shocking, another pair of Steve Maddens in lime green patent leather with a zipper across the top. I guess in case you need more air when you're walking in slingbacks. These are a pair of Italian BelØ s, which are made out of lambskin and are buttery soft to the touch. And to Tommy James, who thinks I've alienated my all male readers with my shoes, then Tommy my friend, you know nothing about blogs. If I had a list of all the retarded Favs that people post on their blogs, the list would wrap ar[...] Cirque De Shoeleil # 5 Shocking, another pair of Steve Maddens in lime green patent leather with a zipper across the top. I guess in case you need more air when you're walking in slingbacks. These are a pair of Italian BelØ s, which are made out of lambskin and are buttery soft to the touch. And to Tommy James, who thinks I've alienated my all male readers with my shoes, then Tommy my friend, you know nothing about blogs. If I had a list of all the retarded Favs that people post on their blogs, the list would wrap ar[...] Cirque De Shoeleil # 5 Shocking, another pair of Steve Maddens in lime green patent leather with a zipper across the top. I guess in case you need more air when you're walking in slingbacks. These are a pair of Italian BelØ s, which are made out of lambskin and are buttery soft to the touch. And to Tommy James, who thinks I've alienated my all male readers with my shoes, then Tommy my friend, you know nothing about blogs. If I had a list of all the retarded Favs that people post on their blogs, the list would wrap ar[...] Cirque De Shoeleil # 5 Shocking, another pair of Steve Maddens in lime green patent leather with a zipper across the top. I guess in case you need more air when you're walking in slingbacks. These are a pair of Italian BelØ s, which are made out of lambskin and are buttery soft to the touch. And to Tommy James, who thinks I've alienated my all male readers with my shoes, then Tommy my friend, you know nothing about blogs. If I had a list of all the retarded Favs that people post on their blogs, the list would wrap ar[...] Cirque De Shoeleil # 2 These are my favorite jean boots. They're made out of starched denim and you can see the ridges near the tops where I've worn them so much that they've developed permanent indentations. The design is made out of very tiny silver beads. I bought them over 4 years ago, long before people were wearing wedges and I got a lot of weird looks when I used to wear them. Passive-aggressive compliments like "Wow, those boots are really interrrresting." Believe it or not they're super comfortable. I know th[...] Thag do revolution! Something was rotten within the Thunka Glunka Clan, and the putrid stench swirled around the vortex that was Thag. The previously unassuming Thag. Thag was a competent hunter, a low-key leader, once a loving partner (before his mate Onga had left him for the clan’s shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother) and a burgeoning artist. It was Thag’s art that had caused the stench storm; in particular, a satirical painting showing how Dubyag — the leader imposed on the tribe’s hun[...] Source: The Skwib Thag do revolution! Something was rotten within the Thunka Glunka Clan, and the putrid stench swirled around the vortex that was Thag. The previously unassuming Thag. Thag was a competent hunter, a low-key leader, once a loving partner (before his mate Onga had left him for the clan’s shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother) and a burgeoning artist. It was Thag’s art that had caused the stench storm; in particular, a satirical painting showing how Dubyag — the leader imposed on the tribe’s hun[...] Source: The Skwib That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Deux I began the saga of my door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman career with my last post. It’s right under this one. You should read that one first, because like any great saga, there are nuances and references and all kinds of clever literary devices woven through this literary tapestry, and you don’t want to miss one ounce of, um, literariality. And now, the conclusion second installment of “That Old Kirby Spirit.” I arrived at Kirby HQ bright and early. The sunlight spa[...] Source: The Frog Bog The Smiling Infidel Plays Art Critic Without An Art Degree Or A Tweed Blazer With Elbow Patches! I'm fairly certain there's some sort of deep and profound spiritual meaning to this fountain- it may even be rooted in mythology. I'm obviously way too low-brow and uneducated to get it because all I could think of was my own bitter disappointment that the artisans didn't go all the way and route the water to stream out the penis or at least the dolphin's blowhole.This work of art sits smack in the middle of the entryway to Methodist Hospital in downtown Houston. We got to see it up close and pe[...] Source: The Smiling Infidel Unfair Dreams I have the worst dreams. I never have any sort of fantasy that I’d die for in real life. There’s never any vampire in black leather with a… uh… no Mom, I meant to say sunny meadow with a rainbow and unicorns…in black leather… stop it brain stop it!I dreamt I was in a casino last night. If there is one thing you should know about me – slot machines are my kryptonite. As a math-y gal, I know I should stick a red hot poker in my eye before sinking money into one of those puppies, but when I hear th[...] Source: Honey Pie If A Story Invovles a Nipple the Person Needs to Be Hot This morning I was sent a story on MySpace about a woman that was forced to remove her nipple ring by the TSA at the airport. I read the story but there wasn’t a picture, so my mind was aflutter of a naughty twenty-year-old girl upset that she had to remove her nip rings. I was all ready to write about how this ladies nipple did not pose a national security threat and by god I was going to volunteer to inspect them. Of course I was going to ignore how over the top it was or the violation o[...] Source: Pointless Banter Are There Irish Samurai? Mikka is slowly introducing his girlfriend Samurai Cathy to his circle of friends, which in turn is my circle of friends. First he brought out Bernie the half-cyborg cat out to meet her, now it’s time to meet Bernie’s Irish wife Marlie. So we all go out to O’Cirrhosis’s Pub, which is one of the few places in town that show Football League of Ireland games and will allow Marlie to be on their premises. She’s at the bar arm wrestling sailors for free drinks, and jud[...] Source: Renal Failure The Lying Game Hilary Clinton, recently "under fire" for falsely stating that she was attacked during a visit to Bosnia 12 years ago, has released new photos and documents to bolster her claims to military experience.In an earlier speech this month, Mrs. Senator Clinton had said "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."To hell with collateral damage!It[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... The Lying Game Hilary Clinton, recently "under fire" for falsely stating that she was attacked during a visit to Bosnia 12 years ago, has released new photos and documents to bolster her claims to military experience.In an earlier speech this month, Mrs. Senator Clinton had said "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."To hell with collateral damage!It[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... The "No, YOU Get A Life!!" Offensive Now don't get all offended on me, that sticky note wasn't written about you, I wrote it for myself because, dammit, I really do need to get a life! I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, but it took me a long time to even realize I didn't have a life!In fact, I only recognized that I had a problem when last night on that show "Intervention" they had some total loser named Bob on there who wasn't a crack head or a drunk or some freaky, wild eyed guy hopped up on Rocksta[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "No, YOU Get A Life!!" Offensive Now don't get all offended on me, that sticky note wasn't written about you, I wrote it for myself because, dammit, I really do need to get a life! I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, but it took me a long time to even realize I didn't have a life!In fact, I only recognized that I had a problem when last night on that show "Intervention" they had some total loser named Bob on there who wasn't a crack head or a drunk or some freaky, wild eyed guy hopped up on Rocksta[...] Source: The Offended Blogger This post really bugs me By now most of you know the population of my house: Me, The Wife, The Boy, two cats and three fish. More recently, our numbers have multiplied.By about five freaking million.Our guests? An apparent extended family of boxelder bugs, or Boisea trivittatus. For those of you who don't know what these bugs are, they are like small, red, flying, stupid, ultra-slow, usually-dead cockroaches without anywhere near the "yuck" factor. They don't bite. They only slowly crawl on the floor, or my computer s[...] Source: Dorky Dad Don't you hate? Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up? Don't you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face? Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it? Don't you hate when you p[...] Source: Avitable: Tact is for pussies Don't you hate? Don't you hate when come clogs up your urethra after masturbating and when you go to pee, you pee in fourteen different directions, including straight up? Don't you hate when you are holding onto your penis after coming to stem the flow until you can get rid of it, and you cough, which makes your hand relax, and you hit yourself in the face? Don't you hate when you're washing your asshole and your fingernail accidentally scrapes right across it? Don't you hate when you p[...] Source: Avitable: Tact is for pussies You give me something, I can hold on to! Awwww, Shiznitz! You know what today was? Today was one of those days that will be highlighted in my obituary. Today, my heart rumbled, my head rolled, and my loins quivered. Today, I discovered Jenny Jones' website.My friends, I thought that my radiant beacon who brightened my days for years upon years had abandoned me for dead. Little did I know, she was simply waiting for the day that I would rediscover the sexier, virtual Jenny, and she doe[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady You give me something, I can hold on to! Awwww, Shiznitz! You know what today was? Today was one of those days that will be highlighted in my obituary. Today, my heart rumbled, my head rolled, and my loins quivered. Today, I discovered Jenny Jones' website.My friends, I thought that my radiant beacon who brightened my days for years upon years had abandoned me for dead. Little did I know, she was simply waiting for the day that I would rediscover the sexier, virtual Jenny, and she doe[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Bachelor Party Part Deux and Inflatable J-Lo. -Day 87.-I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping.- Sarah SilvermanSo... I found out more about the lewd shenanigans my hub-bub might be a part of at that cursed bachelor party. They were sent a naughty e-mail with the picture of a blond bimbo whose face I have committed to my memory. You know, in case I ever bump into her at the mall, while she's buying a pair of size 12 shoes because she has abnormally large feet. I will [...] Source: Bee's Musings Bachelor Party Part Deux and Inflatable J-Lo. -Day 87.-I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping.- Sarah SilvermanSo... I found out more about the lewd shenanigans my hub-bub might be a part of at that cursed bachelor party. They were sent a naughty e-mail with the picture of a blond bimbo whose face I have committed to my memory. You know, in case I ever bump into her at the mall, while she's buying a pair of size 12 shoes because she has abnormally large feet. I will [...] Source: Bee's Musings Rant Against Mediocrity 4.0: "Gee, you're just like a normal person!" "Normal" Christian theologians wear pink socks, left.Rants Against Mediocrity is an occasional series: more found here. Stand back, everyone.You know what gets my theological goat this month? People coming up to me, commenting on my lived reality as a teacher of Catholic theology, and ending with the inspired revelation "Gee, it's great because you're just so normal!"1. That's a compliment? Um, I was going for the supernatural "in the world, not of the world," thanks. Do you honestly think[...] Source: The Ironic Catholic Oohh...I LOVE a good streptease! Well. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I took my three kids to the pediatrician this morning to find out...Hot Damn! They all have strep throat! What glorious, glorious news!! This explains why I've been feeling like I had mono...I just figured that my laziness was coming to a head. But, no, I'm pretty sure I have the funk, too.So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he goes...you know, your bas[...] Source: The Blog of Bex March Malaprops "He is the very pineapple of politeness" -Mrs. Malaprop (from the play The Rivals - 1775)You've heard them, you've laughed about them and now you need to share them.I'm talking about those funny, twisted, mangled up things that people say when they're really trying to say something else. That's right - malapropisms.The last two times we did this cracked me up. But now it's time to refuel the fire. What did your co-worker say the other day? What phrase does your mom always get wrong? What crazy[...] Source: View From The Cloud Putting Lipstick on the Pig of Miscellany Like most bloggers who actually write stuff, there are lots of unfinished and short political humor pieces I can’t really do anything with except bunch them all together and try to make them look pretty. Unlike most bloggers, I won’t use stupid or corny catch-phrases to describe this. Seriously, would it be so hard to give the damn thing a decent title? Would it require too much effort to at least try to make some kind of transition between the different pieces? It would? I feel the same way[...] Putting Lipstick on the Pig of Miscellany Like most bloggers who actually write stuff, there are lots of unfinished and short political humor pieces I can’t really do anything with except bunch them all together and try to make them look pretty. Unlike most bloggers, I won’t use stupid or corny catch-phrases to describe this. Seriously, would it be so hard to give the damn thing a decent title? Would it require too much effort to at least try to make some kind of transition between the different pieces? It would? I feel the same way[...] Damn You Al Gore! Just what is it with politicians? Al Gore, the World expert on Global Warming has been promising me warmer weather for years now. And just like every other politician he once again fails to deliver on his promises."It's Coming Don! Don't be sassin' me!"You'd expect more from a guy with the Nobel Prize."Coldest winter in China in 100 years" and "Coldest Summer in Southern Hemisphere in 60 years" blah, blah.I'm real sorry for everyone facing the "promised" extreme warming around the globe, and I'[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Damn You Al Gore! Just what is it with politicians? Al Gore, the World expert on Global Warming has been promising me warmer weather for years now. And just like every other politician he once again fails to deliver on his promises."It's Coming Don! Don't be sassin' me!"You'd expect more from a guy with the Nobel Prize."Coldest winter in China in 100 years" and "Coldest Summer in Southern Hemisphere in 60 years" blah, blah.I'm real sorry for everyone facing the "promised" extreme warming around the globe, and I'[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Smile and say "Geez!" Part of the festivities over at the new school was taking a picture of the whole student body and faculty. What a freakin' nightmare that was! I seriously wanted to ask the photographer what kind of drugs he was on, to expect all 500 children to hold still, look at the camera and smile. He stood on his ladder, camera in hand counting down from "5...4....3...Hold it! You in the fifth row, could you please put your hand down?" Then the countdown would start again. "5...4....3....2 Uh....young man [...] Source: Seven Seeds Smile and say "Geez!" Part of the festivities over at the new school was taking a picture of the whole student body and faculty. What a freakin' nightmare that was! I seriously wanted to ask the photographer what kind of drugs he was on, to expect all 500 children to hold still, look at the camera and smile. He stood on his ladder, camera in hand counting down from "5...4....3...Hold it! You in the fifth row, could you please put your hand down?" Then the countdown would start again. "5...4....3....2 Uh....young man [...] Source: Seven Seeds More Book Reports BoyChild came home with yet ANOTHER report to do in the first grade. This is a report on a famous American. So BoyChild, which famous American would you like work on?BoyChild: WilmaMe: Who? Fred Flintstone’s wife?BoyChild: No…..Wilma(I scan my brain to think of anyone famous named Wilma. I’m amazed that I am able to pull the name Wilma Rudolph out of my ass since I’m not exactly sure why she’s famous.)Me: Wilma Rudolph?BoyChild: Yeah…her….I can only assume they’ve been talking about her in schoo[...] Source: Honey Pie Hillary Clinton (D-Liar) Listed on Humor-Blogs.com I almost never do this, because I don’t take sides, but this story itches me worse than ticks in the nether regions. If you ever want to know the real meaning of dishonest, just have an election. I originally made a typo (or a Freudian slip) and ended that last sentence with “just [...][...] Source: The Reasonable Ego Carnival of Satire (#97) Welcome to an impolite and somewhat freakish edition of The Carnival of Satire, where we discuss politics, religion, and improbable sexual positions. But first, we start with some advice for the evil masterminds of the world: General Kang will be sure to enjoy Destructo’s Tips for Evil Staff Meetings. Jeremy H has ‘hit’ on some important news: God Says Yes to Drugs. Cato presents us with this feline hagiography: San Catio de Calistoga. It’s a shame when the news cyc[...] Source: The Skwib How much can YOU bare?!? originally posted by Bethany on Unnecessary Quotation MarksSometimes nothing I write can be funnier than the sign itself. This is one of those times.----------------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyAll right, who took Mother Goose off of her Zoloft?!?--------------------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Bonnie MorrisIn honest pursuit of Jesus and a delicious breakfast!!--------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs How much can YOU bare?!? originally posted by Bethany on Unnecessary Quotation MarksSometimes, nothing I write can be funnier than the sign itself. This is one of those times.----------------------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyAll right, who took Mother Goose off of her Zoloft?!?--------------------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Bonnie MorrisIn honest pursuit of Jesus and a delicious breakfast!!-------------------------------[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs I Hate Hearing Lottery Stories You would think a really heart warming and feel good story is a lottery story, where some person randomly won enough money to set them up for the rest of their lives. However that is one story type that makes me cringe. Personally next to engagement stories a lottery story is the worst story you can hear. First of all I freely admit I would be a total prick if I won the lottery, which is probably why I never will. (Ignoring the massive mathematical odds against me and the fact that I never purch[...] Source: Pointless Banter I Hate Hearing Lottery Stories You would think a really heart warming and feel good story is a lottery story, where some person randomly won enough money to set them up for the rest of their lives. However that is one story type that makes me cringe. Personally next to engagement stories a lottery story is the worst story you can hear. First of all I freely admit I would be a total prick if I won the lottery, which is probably why I never will. (Ignoring the massive mathematical odds against me and the fact that I never purch[...] Source: Pointless Banter Anonymous Mom Anonymous Doug had a hard childhood. See, when you’re born anonymous like Doug was, it’s hard for your parents to remember that they even have a child to take care of. And it was tougher on Doug because he was raised by a single mother. Apparently his Dad was anonymous too. And so anytime Anonymous Doug was out of his mom’s sight, she would totally forget she had a son. Baby Doug would be crying in his crib at night and his mom would be lying in her bed, wasted off Jagermeis[...] Source: Renal Failure Sexy Programmer Thursday: Passion Explosion Version 5.0 It is on, my friends. It is sooo on. I am bursting at the seams to bring you this week's technology aphrodisiac; that's right, it is that sublime time of the week once again when we are slapped upside the head with a heapin helpin' of libidinous protocol. Grab a chair and hold what you got, because you are about to meet one of the most luscious kernels of love to ever hit Sexy Programmer Thursday.Our beefcake of the week is a feast for the eyes hailing from the other side of the pond. Meet the h[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Cirque De Shoeleil # 4 These are yet another pair of Steve Maddens, in black and white tweed. The last time I wore them was at the Because We're Not Dead Yet Party last April. I was in so much pain by the end of the evening that I took them off and walked around in my black stockings, which tore and ran and basically made me look like a homeless woman. That was the last time I ever wore heels. Sob.I liked these boots because I knew no one would wear them but me, which is how I buy most of accessories. I remember the l[...] Oh no, I have Alien Hand Syndrome! I'm writing this post in the middle of a webinar, which shows you exactly how exciting this webinar is. The webinar is from my health insurance company. I'm taking it because I just absolutely love my health insurance company and will do anything it asks of me.That, and they're giving me fifty bucks to do it. I'll do anything for fifty bucks. Well, maybe not anything. But I am easily bribed, which would make me the perfect mayor of Detroit.Because it's from my health insurance company, the webin[...] Source: Dorky Dad The Smiling Infidel Plays Art Critic Without An Art Degree Or A Tweed Blazer With Elbow Patches! I'm fairly certain there's some sort of deep and profound spiritual meaning to this fountain- it may even be rooted in mythology. I'm obviously way too low-brow and uneducated to get it because all I could think of was my own bitter disappointment that the artisans didn't go all the way and route the water to stream out of the penis or at least the dolphin's blowhole.This work of art sits smack in the middle of the entryway to Methodist Hospital in downtown Houston and we got to see it up close [...] Source: The Smiling Infidel The Smiling Infidel Plays Art Critic Without An Art Degree Or A Tweed Blazer With Elbow Patches! I'm fairly certain there's some sort of deep and profound spiritual meaning to this fountain- it may even be rooted in mythology. I'm obviously way too low-brow and uneducated to get it because all I could think of was my own bitter disappointment that the artisans didn't go all the way and route the water to stream out of the penis or at least the dolphin's blowhole.This work of art sits smack in the middle of the entryway to Methodist Hospital in downtown Houston and we got to see it up close [...] Source: The Smiling Infidel The Sylvester Stallone Trilogy Love him or hate him, you have to admire the way Sylvester Stallone has been able to revive his career. By returning to the iconic roles that originally made him famous, Stallone was able to exit Steven Seagal Highway, bypass Jean-Claude Van Damme Road, and become a star again. His final farewell to the Rocky series was a success with both critics and fans. His recent Rambo vehicle has been a worldwide hit. I doubt I am the only person who lies awake most nights asking, “what’s next?[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Sexy Programmer Thursday: Passion Explosion Version 5.0 It is on, my friends. It is sooo on. I am bursting at the seams to bring you this week's technology aphrodisiac; that's right, it is that sublime time of the week once again when we are slapped upside the head with a heapin helpin' of libidinous protocol. Grab a chair and hold what you got, because you are about to meet one of the most luscious kernels of love to ever hit Sexy Programmer Thursday.Our beefcake of the week is a feas[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Sexy Programmer Thursday: Passion Explosion Version 5.0 It is on, my friends. It is sooo on. I am bursting at the seams to bring you this week's technology aphrodisiac; that's right, it is that sublime time of the week once again when we are slapped upside the head with a heapin helpin' of libidinous protocol. Grab a chair and hold what you got, because you are about to meet one of the most luscious kernels of love to ever hit Sexy Programmer Thursday.Our beefcake of the week is a feas[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady On My Qualifications for President As have many of us, lately I've been watching and listening to the campaigns being run by the Presidential hopefuls. At this time, the Republican side of the race is about as interesting as Elisabeth Hasselbeck and David Hasselhoff debating the merits of tube socks. The Democratic side of the race has proved to be more entertaining, at least so far. In light of recent Democratic campaign developments, ArmadilloTrader has decided to write a "slice of life" [...] Source: ArmadilloTrader On My Qualifications for President As have many of us, lately I've been watching and listening to the campaigns being run by the Presidential hopefuls. At this time, the Republican side of the race is about as interesting as Elisabeth Hasselbeck and David Hasselhoff debating the merits of tube socks. The Democratic side of the race has proved to be more entertaining, at least so far. In light of recent Democratic campaign developments, ArmadilloTrader has decided to write a "slice of life" [...] Source: ArmadilloTrader Oh Shitballs! Since all of the other bloggers have these nifty little award buttons and I hate feeling left out, I made one of my own:Introducing.... the "Oh Shitballs!" award. This award will be bestowed on any person who is brave enough to submit original funny stories, crazy photos or large monetary gifts ( I prefer the latter.) If I like it enough to post it...viola! You get the award button. On the other hand, if you send me cutesy photos of little Junior's first steps....I'll hunt you down and make you [...] Source: Seven Seeds Oh Shitballs! Since all of the other bloggers have these nifty little award buttons and I hate feeling left out, I made one of my own:Introducing.... the "Oh Shitballs!" award. This award will be bestowed on any person who is brave enough to submit original funny stories, crazy photos or large monetary gifts ( I prefer the latter.) If I like it enough to post it...viola! You get the award button. On the other hand, if you send me cutesy photos of little Junior's first steps....I'll hunt you down and make you [...] Source: Seven Seeds Cats Can Act Like Such Boobs Sometimes Credit goes to G is for Genki for this very funny picture. If you are interested in the furthering adventures of Puss N Boobs, feel free to check out humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Extremely Funny "Curbing" My Bitch Sessions Pride goeth before running over the curb at the brand new school and leaving a huge ass tire screech on the fresh coat of red. Oooopsie! So now, I have to take back everything I said about the idiots who cannot follow school pick up line protocol, because I'm just as big of a dip shit as they are. The Great White's wheels were the first to leave a blemish on the untainted school. All of the teachers were watching as I made my awkward descent down the curb. To this I say, "Shitballs!" It was utte[...] Source: Seven Seeds Pandora's Box As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous a[...] Pandora's Box As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous a[...] Pandora's Box As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous a[...] Pandora's Box As a compromise between listening to the same songs in my iTunes library over and over and hearing the Daughtry song of the moment sixteen times a day on the local radio station, lately I've been spending a lot of time on Pandora.Pandora is a sort of customizable radio station that plays songs based on your personal preferences. For example, I told it that I like My Chemical Romance and Pearl Jam, so it assumes that I also enjoy Green Day -- a completely understandable, and entirely erroneous a[...] Peace Corps Kenya 101 As a child of the world, I spent 2 years in Kenya with the Peace Corps teaching math. The Peace Corps slogan – “The toughest job you’ll ever love.” The alternative slogans – “The longest vacation you’ll ever love” or “The easiest job you’ll ever hate.” I must credit those to other volunteers.As far as locations, Kenya is a pretty sweet gig – there’s the Great Rift Valley, safaris and wildlife, pristine snorkeling and diving, rainforests, Lake Victoria, the Leakey’s and the “cradle of humankind”…[...] Source: Honey Pie New Shampoo Today I bought New Shampoo. I couldn't wait to come home and use it. (And yes, I know that I'm a total dork.) Anyway, I put the baby down for his nap and hopped in the shower. After wetting my hair I read the back of the shampoo bottle. DID YOU HEAR THAT?? I read the back of the bottle. I realized that I do this every time I buy a new brand of shampoo.The instructions on my new bottle said, "Apply, lather, rinse." I have a feeling that whoever wrote that wanted to write, "Apply, lather, then rin[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Peace Corps Kenya 101 As a child of the world, I spent 2 years in Kenya with the Peace Corps teaching math. The Peace Corps slogan – “The toughest job you’ll ever love.” The alternative slogans – “The longest vacation you’ll ever love” or “The easiest job you’ll ever hate.” I must credit those to other volunteers. It was a different experience for everyone.As far as locations, Kenya is a pretty sweet gig – there’s the Great Rift Valley, safaris and wildlife, pristine snorkeling and diving, rainforests, Lake Victoria,[...] Source: Honey Pie now, here’s leigh with the sports! yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway. behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on rome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowd[...] Source: leighonline now, here’s leigh with the sports! yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway. behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on rome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowd[...] Source: leighonline now, here’s leigh with the sports! yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway. behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on rome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowd[...] Source: leighonline Maybe try the ice tongs. I figured I had seen everything there was to see in the men's room. At least during normal business hours. Apparently this is not the case.Today, I followed a gentleman into the bathroom and witnessed something completely new to me. In case you were wondering, I followed him by chance, not design. What I mean to say is that I don't make a habit of following strange men into the bathroom just to see what there is to see. I was just going in there to rinse out my coffee cup.* Now that we[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch Sugar aka: Kiddie Meth I never understood why my mother insisted on doling out candy to us, a few small pieces at a time. Daniel and I always let the kids eat as much as they can in the first two days, and then dump the rest after they go to bed. After yesterday's candy feast, I have a much greater understanding of my mother's method. I'm guessing that she did what she did to avoid the aftermath that was the methamphetamine effect on my children, yesterday: (sigh) Another lesson learned the hard way....www.humor-[...] Source: Seven Seeds Sugar aka: Kiddie Meth I never understood why my mother insisted on doling out candy to us, a few small pieces at a time. Daniel and I always let the kids eat as much as they can in the first two days, and then dump the rest after they go to bed. After yesterday's candy feast, I have a much greater understanding of my mother's method. I'm guessing that she did what she did to avoid the aftermath that was the methamphetamine effect on my children, yesterday: (sigh) Another lesson learned the hard way....www.humor-[...] Source: Seven Seeds Sugar aka: Kiddie Meth I never understood why my mother insisted on doling out candy to us, a few small pieces at a time. Daniel and I always let the kids eat as much as they can in the first two days, and then dump the rest after they go to bed. After yesterday's candy feast, I have a much greater understanding of my mother's method. I'm guessing that she did what she did to avoid the aftermath that was the methamphetamine effect on my children, yesterday: (sigh) Another lesson learned the hard way....www.humor-[...] Source: Seven Seeds Cirque De Shoeleil # 3 These Ann Kleins are some of my favs. I used to wear them with some Armani Exchange pants that buttoned up the back leg, a Juicy Couture scarf, and a mid-leg camel coat. I was wearing all of that plus an angora hat when I picked up my mother at LAX one time. As I bent to kiss her she jumped back."Mom?""Oh my God, it's you? I thought you were a model!"First off, what models does she know? And second off, that was the best compliment I ever got from her in my entire life and it wasn't even really [...] That Old Kirby Spirit, Part One Remember the one about the door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman? Yeah, that was me. I’m waxing nostalgic today because I have recently been informed that I graduated from high school twenty years ago. I’m taking a cue from this dude and I’m fixing to wax rhapsodic about my employment history. I figured that in case any of my classmates clicked over here I’d impress them with some tales about my wildly successful career history. I was done with high school and needed t[...] Source: The Frog Bog 2 Crummy. submitted by new contributors Chris BridgesOMG! We rly do. 2 true. CU l8r.-----------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaIsn't that a slogan for a bra company??----------------------------------------------------------"Women in the pulpit. Join us."submitted by new contributor Eric P.Hey ladies...how YOU doin'? Come here often?? Y'know...those vestments would look good on the floor next to...Oh....not like that?[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs 2 Crummy. submitted by new contributors Chris BridgesOMG! We rly do. 2 true. CU l8r.-----------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaIsn't that a slogan for a bra company??----------------------------------------------------------"Women in the pulpit. Join us."submitted by new contributor Eric P.Hey ladies...how YOU doin'? Come here often?? Y'know...those vestments would look good on the floor next to...Oh....not like that?[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Thag not like politcs! Thag had made his decision — he was not taking Onga back, even if the shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, insisted. Thag could see why Weasel wanted him to take her back; Onga was driving the shaman crazy. The flesh-pole with ears shaman insisted. And Thag refused. Weasel then lobbied Onga’s father, Bushenior to force Thag to take her back. The Elder was fairly influential within the tribe, and he told Thag that if he did not take Onga back, he would install his son, Dubyag, as t[...] Source: The Skwib I Have to Admit I Don’t Like Courtney Cox I was watching The Riches last night on FX and there was a preview for this week’s Dirt on it. My skin started to break out in hives and I began to hyperventilate because I had to look at Courtney Cox. There isn’t an actor or actress alive that I dislike more, well except maybe Wilmer Valderrama but that is because he defiles every young starlet in Hollywood. Now people that are fans of Friends always get a little defensive when I express my dislike of her. So let me lay out my case.[...] Source: Pointless Banter Because they were drawn by lonely, socially awkward men It’s been a while since we checked in with our local superhero team of Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic. Well, actually for this story we’re only checking in with Crimson Paraplegic as Mercury Shadow is at a superhero conference for his Continuing Justice Education Credit to keep his superhero certification. Anyway, a fire broke out in an apartment complex in town and a guy was trapped on the top floor. Luckily Crimson Paraplegic was on patrol, and she was able to fly through[...] Source: Renal Failure The "My Treasured Treasures" Offensive So after I went over and saw my good friend VE and told him about the rather offensive grilled cheese sandwich I used to have that had an uncanny image of Larry King breastfeeding Michael Bolton mysteriously scorched onto it, I got to thinking about all the great stuff I've collected over the years.Believe me, if you are a discerning collector like myself, ebay it is where you will find the most marvelous and intriguing items in the whole wide world, all of which are just a click away if you've [...] Source: The Offended Blogger Controversial Teen/Young-Adult deterrent. The Barreness (=childless but not unhappy about it) brings you the real story! -Day 85.- The following post may contain material that is offensive to mothers. While I do not apologize for the words you’re about to read, I do want to make sure you do not live near me when you read them.You know, on the off chance you’d like to come over and get all in my face for talking smack about your offspring. Before you read on, you must answer this question.How long would it take you to get to Chicago?If your answer is “an hour or more”, you may read on.If your answer is “I’m standin[...] Source: Bee's Musings Like a kid in a china shop Bored? Don't have enough stress in your life? Tired of spending too little time desperately trying to keep things from getting broken? Do you have too much money? Don't read enough well punctuated blog posts?Do I have a solution for you!Have a kid! Soon enough your blood pressure will be right at the near-heart-attack rate you've always wanted. You'll get frequent headaches and that heavy wallet of yours will finally be a manageable weight. No more worrying about what to do with all that extra m[...] Source: Dorky Dad We rejoice in you, most wonderful week of the year! Readers, I have wronged you.My filthy negligence could very well have robbed you pantiless of what is probably the most important week of the entire Gregorian calendar year. That's right, players and playerhaters alike: this week, March 24 - March 30, 2008, is noneother than National Egg Salad Week!Happy NESW, my friends! This is OUR week to get our mad mastication on with the ovum saladus extremus bonerus. Do not hate me for waiting until Wednesday to break the news to you; instead, let's just[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady It's time for a clean break. This might be a little awkward. I've never been good with breakups; I am really bad at being the Doctor Doom in any relationship. The thing is - and I am speaking solely on the limited experience of my mostly drama-free past - when the other party on the receiving end of my loveboat becomes just a little bit too touchsies feelsies for my taste, then I begin to feel sorta holy crap get offa me smothered, and I start to get the itchy itchy cold-sweats, and I imagine life without that person, and, [...] Source: this blog is eggsalady And the Pigs' Blood Shall Be Doused Upon... The residual leftovers of my whinefest of an illness coupled with the Tylenol PM fog through which I am wading has caused a vertitable deadness of my mind. Therefore, in lieu of writing nine paragraphs analyzing the obvious intricate parralels between Charles in Charge's dimwitted yet lovable beefcake Buddy Lembeck and everyone's favorite absolutist French monarch, Sun King Louis XIV, instead, I am going to bestow upon some very worthy recipients the first ever "My God, Will Someone Please Just[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady We rejoice in you, most wonderful week of the year! Readers, I have wronged you.My filthy negligence could very well have robbed you pantiless of what is probably the most important week of the entire Gregorian calendar year. That's right, players and playerhaters alike: this week, March 24 - March 30, 2008, is noneother than National Egg Salad Week!Happy NESW, my friends! This is OUR week to get our mad mastication on with the ovum saladus extremus bonerus. Do not hate me for waiting until Wednesday to break the news to you; instead, let's just[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Close encounter of the idiot kind. -Day 84. Mondays SUCK! If you don’t agree with me, I will go and shave “Bee rocks!” on your head. Are we in agreement? Good!Anyway, Mondays usually find me hung-over (even though I don’t drink, I still wake up with a fuzzy tongue- I know you want to make THAT joke but if you value your life... nah. Go ahead, pull the trigger.) unwilling to get up, debating whether I NEED to take a shower (the answer is always "YES" by the way), bemoaning my lack of millions of dollars so that I can hire valets t[...] Source: Bee's Musings Vote! If I keep posting later and later in the day, eventually I'll be posting really early the next day, so you have that to look forward to.The picture kind of sucked this week too. Usually I do the picture the day before, so that I can look at it fresh before posting it. That gives me a chance to catch things that don't look quite right, like my complete lack of a neck. I was too rushed to do it right this time, but hey, that gave you one more thing to make fun of me for.Mrs. Diesel picked the f[...] Global Warming Armageddon This is part 2 of Proclamations from the Mountaintop: An Editorial series by Author Les James. Image source: Sniffing Polar Bear by Crystalline Radical THE NIGHTLY NEWS EATS A CHICKEN LITTLE SANDWICH Global warming is everywhere! Now that makes sense. But I’m sick of turning on the TV or radio or picking up almost anything the news outlets print and being constantly barraged by bad news. How much can one person take before they just stop listening? Every day the Talking Heads (no, not t[...] Breaking News: Christ Already Redeemed the World Megapolis, USA: In breaking news, a theologian has discovered that Jesus Christ has already redeemed the world.The president of CARMA* and RBCU professor Gerald Olzewski admitted, "It just hit me at Easter Vigil. The earth has been saved through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's done. I don't have to keep writing this stuff, trying to get the Church in line with our cultural quirk du jour. When Jesus said on the cross, 'It is finished,' he meant it."In a brief email to fellow [...] Source: The Ironic Catholic Breaking News: Christ Already Redeemed the World Megapolis, USA: In breaking news, a theologian has discovered that Jesus Christ has already redeemed the world.The president of CARMA* and RBCU professor Gerald Olzewski admitted, "It just hit me at Easter Vigil. The earth has been saved through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's done. I don't have to keep writing this stuff, trying to get the Church in line with our cultural quirk du jour. When Jesus said on the cross, 'It is finished,' he meant it."In a brief email to fellow [...] Source: The Ironic Catholic It's so easy, even your kindergartener can figure it out! You already know about my disdain for the Chatty Pattys who socialize and hold up traffic. But I bet you didn't know that we moved to a brand new school, yesterday, giving me a whole new reason to want to go apeshit! If there is any way to separate the retarded parents from those that are smarter than the average bear, just give them instructions on how to pick up their children in a circle drive.You would have thought that the pick up lane was a labyrinth. People were crossing in the middle of [...] Source: Seven Seeds My Warning to You... My husband and I are, of our combined siblings, the first to have had kids. At first we were drunk with the power of it as people would drop everything and run to us if we asked. But then...it got a little lonely. After all, our kids don't have anyone to sit with at the kids table during family dinners. Which means that they sit at OUR table. I think you can see my point. So it is with DEEP happiness that I can announce that I have TWO sisters-in-law who are currently on the nest.I started wond[...] Source: The Blog of Bex The toom is empty! submitted/originally posted by Nikki at Red Pen Inc.Thankfully, he "ressurected" to forgive spelling mistakes, right?!?---------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyPoor Job. On top of everything else, he couldn't spell either.-----------------------------------------------------"Salvation served daily. No reservations needed."submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunchToo late. I already have reservations about this churc[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs The “S” Word I’m not talking about that “S” word. I learned early in laugh that every time you use profanity, God permits Keanu Reeves to star in another movie. So no profanity for me, thanks. No, I’m talking about the other “S” word. The word that, when used on my blog, sends readers running for the proverbial hills. I’m talking, of course, about SPORTS. Wait, don’t leave. Give this blog post a chance. They’ll be plenty of time for running away and gougi[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid The “S” Word I’m not talking about that “S” word. I learned early in laugh that every time you use profanity, God permits Keanu Reeves to star in another movie. So no profanity for me, thanks. No, I’m talking about the other “S” word. The word that, when used on my blog, sends readers running for the proverbial hills. I’m talking, of course, about SPORTS. Wait, don’t leave. Give this blog post a chance. They’ll be plenty of time for running away and gougi[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid The “S” Word I’m not talking about that “S” word. I learned early in laugh that every time you use profanity, God permits Keanu Reeves to star in another movie. So no profanity for me, thanks. No, I’m talking about the other “S” word. The word that, when used on my blog, sends readers running for the proverbial hills. I’m talking, of course, about SPORTS. Wait, don’t leave. Give this blog post a chance. They’ll be plenty of time for running away and gougi[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid I Have a Crush on a Cartoon so you don’t have to I like to live like I’m in a cartoon Yes, I’m chasing you all around the room I have a crush on a cartoon. But it’s not some dumb Looney Tunes character. It’s one of those crazy Charles Schwab commercials. They took what must’ve once been a real guy and then cartoonized him. He looks cute! Why can’t we get the real version? Why do they do that? Apparently this is the work of none other than Bob Sabiston, who used the same technique on the film Waking Life. Th[...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Have a Crush on a Cartoon so you don’t have to I like to live like I’m in a cartoon Yes, I’m chasing you all around the room I have a crush on a cartoon. But it’s not some dumb Looney Tunes character. It’s one of those crazy Charles Schwab commercials. They took what must’ve once been a real guy and then cartoonized him. He looks cute! Why can’t we get the real version? Why do they do that? Apparently this is the work of none other than Bob Sabiston, who used the same technique on the film Waking Life. Th[...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Have a Crush on a Cartoon so you don’t have to I like to live like I’m in a cartoon Yes, I’m chasing you all around the room I have a crush on a cartoon. But it’s not some dumb Looney Tunes character. It’s one of those crazy Charles Schwab commercials. They took what must’ve once been a real guy and then cartoonized him. He looks cute! Why can’t we get the real version? Why do they do that? Apparently this is the work of none other than Bob Sabiston, who used the same technique on the film Waking Life. Th[...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To Professor Quippy: Forget the Taser, I want an Epilepsilazer The US Army and US Navy have been playing with ray guns! In a recently declassified document, the American Department of Defense (DoD) reveals some of the “non-lethal” beam weapons they’ve been investigating. They include a weapon that projects sounds into your head (potentially destroying your delicate ear bits in the process) they’ve dubbed the “Schitzo Ray”. This weapon is based on the Frey effect, and uses microwaves, so the schizoid’s traditional m[...] Source: The Skwib The Call A very special tip of the hat to BrentD over at The Ominous Comma, where I am now doing my first-ever guest blog. Sweet.At first, I was confused about why such a big-time humor blogger like BrentD would ask me, the new kid on the block, to guest blog on his award-winning site.I thought to myself, "Maybe he's just a genuinely nice guy. Maybe he really does like my writing." But then I said, "Whoa Don. Let's not get too Art Bell here! You put those kind of 'flying saucers ate my lunch' ideas out t[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Who is the next Internet Icon? Chuck Norris jokes are dead I’m sick of how the internet has built up Chuck Norris and random other pop culture references without my permission. If you have been surfing around Rick Astley has really been gaining momentum over the last year. Personally I think we need to have a voice and determine the next arcane reference to become hot. Here are some people I would like to put up for your consideration. Sam the Butcher from the Brady Bunch Positives: The Beastie Boys immortalized him with the lyric “like Sa[...] Source: Pointless Banter |