|
Blogegories
AdultCartoons Family Funny Photos Geek Humor Observational Humor Politics Pop Culture Satirical News Social Commentary |
Archive for 3/30/2008 to 4/6/2008Have your roofing way with me.This hasn't really been a funny week for me. I'm sitting here right now waiting for a roofer to come to my house and screw me. He's getting sloppy seconds because I'm still sore from the heating oil guy who pumped 158 gallons of Texas gold into my tank this morning to the tune of $600 bucks.If you remember, we had a little bit of sheet-rock damage in the living room and bedrooms due to an ice dam on the front of the house. I finally got around to checking out the back of the house, and it tu[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch  Calling a Spade a Shovel I was working in the shop today when I heard something on the radio that made me stop in my tracks. Unfortunately the jointer didn't stop and I lost a real nice board of walnut. And a window. It was a big discussion about a "pregnant man". Now I realize that being in North-west-central Idaho, I'm a little bit behind when it comes to the newest things in science and technology. I mean, stop lights? Who saw that coming? But a pregnant Man?Obviously the first question was, is he really pregnant? P[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Calling a Spade a Shovel I was working in the shop today when I heard something on the radio that made me stop in my tracks. Unfortunately the jointer didn't stop and I lost a real nice board of walnut. And a window. It was a big discussion about a "pregnant man". Now I realize that being in North-west-central Idaho, I'm a little bit behind when it comes to the newest things in science and technology. I mean, stop lights? Who saw that coming? But a pregnant Man?Obviously the first question was, is he really pregnant? P[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Get in shape, girl! It's a whole new day in the neighborhood, ladies and gentlemen, and you know what? There's some metamorphosizing about to go down in this piece. I am turning over a new leaf. I am about to get physical, physical. We're about to hear my body talk. Talking about not chewing is so played out, but, I'll just quickly tell you that when you don't chew, you are bound to lose a couple of pounds. That's all well and good, but when you eat microwavable macaroni and cheese fourteen times a week (and get yo[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Get in shape, girl! It's a whole new day in the neighborhood, ladies and gentlemen, and you know what? There's some metamorphosizing about to go down in this piece. I am turning over a new leaf. I am about to get physical, physical. We're about to hear my body talk. Talking about not chewing is so played out, but, I'll just quickly tell you that when you don't chew, you are bound to lose a couple of pounds. That's all well and good, but when you eat microwavable macaroni and cheese fourteen times a week (and get yo[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady My hate for you is everlasting. -Day 95.-.I have to warn you guys that I had another one of those super craptacular days that makes me grind my teeth while smacking my forehead. .I don't know why I don't heed the signs that tell me I should just turn my happy ass around and go back home to hide under my bed. .So... some bloggers have weekly things they do like Wordless Wednesdays (Offended Blogger-jean knee) Everyone Can Bite Me Fridays (Suzy) and Silly Saturdays (NCS). I decided to do my own. Mine will be "FUCK OFF FRIDAYS ON[...] Source: Bee's Musings Everything comes down to poo Here is the direct link. You can also find this on Humor Blogs.[...] Source: Avitable: Tact is for pussies Everything comes down to poo Here is the direct link. You can also find this on Humor Blogs. [...] Source: Avitable: Tact is for pussies In My Dreams If you ever get bored, try this out. It's pretty cool (and outlandishly unrealistic.):www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds In My Dreams If you ever get bored, try this out. It's pretty cool (and outlandishly unrealistic.):www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds That Thong Thing I'm not sure why but this morning I wore thong underwear. Don't worry, I didn't get another tattoo like I did HERE. It might have had something to do with my Laundry Situation which involves all of my clothing being anywhere in the house EXCEPT folded and in my room. But that's another story.Back to thongs. Wearing one got me wondering about the first person to invent the thong. I imagine a woman sitting on her bed, admiring her favorite underwear. She'd be thinking, "These are almost perfect. B[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Nude UNO This may come as a shock to the tens of readers of my blog, but we are a nude family. Having quit my job to stay at home – I’ve found that nudity is cheaper than Gymboree. I’ve also carved out more time for solitaire on the computer since the laundry has been reduced by 90%. However, we’ve just been motivated to add a shirt because our life style is beginning to impact the occupational future of BoyChild. Turns out that he can never aspire to ‘policeman’ because:Let me translate left-handed 1st [...] Source: Honey Pie The Week in Awesome - Friday, April 4, 2008 A lot of awesome things happened in the world this week. As a public service, I’ll run through all of them. Let’s begin… Thank you, Lord It has now been 635 weeks since a movie starring Pauly Shore has been released nation wide to theaters. Let that soak in for a moment. If life ever gets you down, think about this and smile. So long, New Coke. We hardly knew you Velvet Revolver, my favorite musical group, has broke up. Scott Weiland, the lead singer, apparently had difficulty [...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid The Week in Awesome - Friday, April 4, 2008 A lot of awesome things happened in the world this week. As a public service, I’ll run through all of them. Let’s begin… Thank you, Lord It has now been 635 weeks since a movie starring Pauly Shore has been released nation wide to theaters. Let that soak in for a moment. If life ever gets you down, think about this and smile. So long, New Coke. We hardly knew you Velvet Revolver, my favorite musical group, has broke up. Scott Weiland, the lead singer, apparently had difficulty [...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid The Week in Awesome - Friday, April 4, 2008 A lot of awesome things happened in the world this week. As a public service, I’ll run through all of them. Let’s begin… Thank you, Lord It has now been 635 weeks since a movie starring Pauly Shore has been released nation wide to theaters. Let that soak in for a moment. If life ever gets you down, think about this and smile. So long, New Coke. We hardly knew you Velvet Revolver, my favorite musical group, has broke up. Scott Weiland, the lead singer, apparently had difficulty [...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Almost 7 years and we could be happier!? -Day 94.- Quote of the 'effing day! Katie from the Real World Road Rules (yeah I still watch it and I'll probably be watching it when I'm in my 80s, so?) "If I'm gonna talk shit about you? I like to see the reaction on your fucken face when I say it!" That had me in stitches! Especially because I had just told Milton something along those lines after our morning meeting regarding all the office back stabbing!.I realized today that my anniversary is in 12 days! TWELVE!!The hubs and I will have be[...] Source: Bee's Musings "Who Gives A Crap" Friday It's Friday...big effing deal. Here's a list of what I'm not doing today:Not picking out a hot outfit for a big night of partying hard.Not making intimate dinner plans with the husband.Not shopping for the perfect shoes to match the hot outfit.Not doing my hair and makeup.Not hiring a sitter.Not making plans to meet up with the girls for a fun, non-momish activity.Not shaving my legs in anticipation of wearing a bathing suit and lounging in a tropical body of water.Not giving a crap about what a[...] Source: Seven Seeds "Who Gives A Crap" Friday It's Friday...big effing deal. Here's a list of what I'm not doing today:Not picking out a hot outfit for a big night of partying hard.Not making intimate dinner plans with the husband.Not shopping for the perfect shoes to match the hot outfit.Not doing my hair and makeup.Not hiring a sitter.Not making plans to meet up with the girls for a fun, non-momish activity.Not shaving my legs in anticipation of wearing a bathing suit and lounging in a tropical body of water.Not giving a crap about what a[...] Source: Seven Seeds "Who Gives A Crap" Friday It's Friday...big effing deal. Here's a list of what I'm not doing today:Not picking out a hot outfit for a big night of partying hard.Not making intimate dinner plans with the husband.Not shopping for the perfect shoes to match the hot outfit.Not doing my hair and makeup.Not hiring a sitter.Not making plans to meet up with the girls for a fun, non-momish activity.Not shaving my legs in anticipation of wearing a bathing suit and lounging in a tropical body of water.Not giving a crap about what a[...] Source: Seven Seeds Caption Contest: The Godfather Finding little inspiration in the current crop of movies and TV shows, I have once again gone back to the classics for the caption contest.You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites, and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Since I still have a few copies of my book lying around, I will give a free copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to the winner.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.[...] Caption Contest: The Godfather Finding little inspiration in the current crop of movies and TV shows, I have once again gone back to the classics for the caption contest.You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites, and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Since I still have a few copies of my book lying around, I will give a free copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to the winner.Have fun!Listed on humor-blogs.com.[...] Census Geek Humor No time today - but I thought I'd leave you with a comic I love since I used to be tight with the Census Bureau. From Tom Tomorrow... (click the link for a bigger pic on his site - it may be hard to read.).------------------------------------------Humor-blogs like sampling too.[...] Source: Honey Pie Census Geek Humor No time today - but I thought I'd leave you with a comic I love since I used to be tight with the Census Bureau. From Tom Tomorrow... (click the link for a bigger pic on his site - it may be hard to read.).------------------------------------------Humor-blogs like sampling too.[...] Source: Honey Pie Census Geek Humor No time today - but I thought I'd leave you with a comic I love since I used to be tight with the Census Bureau. From Tom Tomorrow... (click the link for a bigger pic on his site - it may be hard to read.).------------------------------------------Humor-blogs like sampling too.[...] Source: Honey Pie Census Geek Humor No time today - but I thought I'd leave you with a comic I love since I used to be tight with the Census Bureau. From Tom Tomorrow... (click the link for a bigger pic on his site - it may be hard to read.).------------------------------------------Humor-blogs like sampling too.[...] Source: Honey Pie I don't think you're ready for this, Jelly. Today was a harrowing day filled with a little bit of hustlin' and whole lotta bustlin'. Hence, I decided, what better way to relax than to catch up on my correspondence. So, I opened up the old mailbag and grabbed a doozy. A reader, "YouGoGirl71," to be specific, popped the following ponderation for me, and boy did YGG71 open up a can of worms: "Dear What's a Donzer, What's the difference between jelly and jam? The way I see it, there is none. Peace in the Middle East, YouGoGirl71" Naturally, m[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Thag not grok big bottoms! The trip back to the Drunka Grunka’s lands would be a long one — of all the Grunka tribes, the Drunkas lived the farthest away from the place of the Great Gathering. But Thag was happy. For at least one season he would be free of his mate’s incessant nagging, not to mention her infidelities. And he wasn’t only leaving the frustrations of Onga behind — for many turnings of the moon, Thag would be free of the annoying shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. He was tra[...] Source: The Skwib Red hots! Get your red hots here! submitted by frequent contributors Chris and Sharon BridgesProbably a legit event to raise money for something. I just love the thought of "Synergy Hot Dogs"...I wonder how they're different from regular hot dogs??-------------------------------------------------------Sign says "Faithfulness is a race with no finish line"submitted by frequent contributor Katherine TrexlerWhereas faithlessness is a race with no starter's pistol??----------------------------------------------------Sign says "Live[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs A Night of Crime Fighting With ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! And now, a special secret glimpse into a night of crime-fighting with the one, the only… ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! Thanks to Chris for the artistic rendition. Everyone knows who You Viral Pecan is, right? If you don’t, you can get up to speed here. SCENE: A quiet apartment on the outskirts of Fort Lee, a medium-sized town with a giant-sized need for a hero. Mrs. ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!!: Oops, sorry. I didn’t know you were in- what are you doing? ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Vir[...] Source: The Frog Bog A Night of Crime Fighting With ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! And now, a special secret glimpse into a night of crime-fighting with the one, the only… ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! Thanks to Chris for the artistic rendition. Everyone knows who You Viral Pecan is, right? If you don’t, you can get up to speed here. SCENE: A quiet apartment on the outskirts of Fort Lee, a medium-sized town with a giant-sized need for a hero. Mrs. ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!!: Oops, sorry. I didn’t know you were in- what are you doing? ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Vir[...] Source: The Frog Bog A Night of Crime Fighting With ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! And now, a special secret glimpse into a night of crime-fighting with the one, the only… ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! Thanks to Chris for the artistic rendition. Everyone knows who You Viral Pecan is, right? If you don’t, you can get up to speed here. SCENE: A quiet apartment on the outskirts of Fort Lee, a medium-sized town with a giant-sized need for a hero. Mrs. ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!!: Oops, sorry. I didn’t know you were in- what are you doing? ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Vir[...] Source: The Frog Bog A Night of Crime Fighting With ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! And now, a special secret glimpse into a night of crime-fighting with the one, the only… ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!! Thanks to Chris for the artistic rendition. Everyone knows who You Viral Pecan is, right? If you don’t, you can get up to speed here. SCENE: A quiet apartment on the outskirts of Fort Lee, a medium-sized town with a giant-sized need for a hero. Mrs. ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Virica!!!: Oops, sorry. I didn’t know you were in- what are you doing? ¡¡¡Tu Pacana Vir[...] Source: The Frog Bog Unimportant? I guess that depends on who you ask. One of my bestest blogger friends, Jess - from Riley's Ramblings - just tagged me for a meme where I'm supposed to list Six Unimportant Things about myself.First of all, let me just say that I'd be hardpressed to find any unimportant things about myself - let alone six. But I'll give it my best shot.But only because I adore Jess and she totally cracks me up. In fact, I am so infatuated with her writing that I preordered her new novel Driving Sideways 6 full months before it was even due to be re[...] Source: View From The Cloud Asian Rage is All the Rage I was going through my usual morning ritual of sacrificing kittens before checking the latest score for the Buffalo Sabres when I saw a story about a girl that was attacked by a Hawk while visiting Fenway Park. In the story they made it clear that the girl’s name was Alexa Rodriguez, which makes the story at least 96% funnier. I can’t wait for approximately 7,000 jokes I will hear on Boston radio this weekend referencing Yankee Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez. Really this won’t be[...] Source: Pointless Banter It’s a good thing pleather doesn’t come from an animal Avonia the Wiccan Pimp just lost her favorite lunchtime place to eat. Being Wiccan, Avonia has a close relationship to nature, and as such strives to be a vegetarian. Unfortunately the pimping lifestyle doesn’t make it easy to eat in concert with her beliefs. So Avonia was very pleased when years ago a vegan strip club opened in town, Soy Despertado. In Spanish, it means “I am aroused.” To the non-Spanish speaking veggie hipster crowd, it meant soy fajitas for $3.99 and an i[...] Source: Renal Failure It’s a good thing pleather doesn’t come from an animal Avonia the Wiccan Pimp just lost her favorite lunchtime place to eat. Being Wiccan, Avonia has a close relationship to nature, and as such strives to be a vegetarian. Unfortunately the pimping lifestyle doesn’t make it easy to eat in concert with her beliefs. So Avonia was very pleased when years ago a vegan strip club opened in town, Soy Despertado. In Spanish, it means “I am aroused.” To the non-Spanish speaking veggie hipster crowd, it meant soy fajitas for $3.99 and an i[...] Source: Renal Failure I'm a human circus peanut I took The Boy to The Circus this evening. It was a typical, traveling circus. There were clowns aplenty walking around giving children nightmares; female trapeze artists with nasty wedgies giving middle-school boys dreams of a different kind; and Bubba the Drunk Redneck sitting to my rear giving me a headache with his rendition of "A Star Spangled Banner.""That's the only song I sing!" he said.Yes. And Thank God for that, I said. To myself. Under my breath. Very quietly.We went to the circus be[...] Source: Dorky Dad The "WTF?! Friday Challenge" Offensive That's right, I did make up my own cool 'day of the week thing', like Wordless Wednesday or Half Naked Thursday (which I chickened out of today) and I am calling mine "WTF?! Friday Challenge" and you better participate or I will say WTF?! and probably Fatwa you, too.The rules are simple!!I start by giving you a picture and some clues, and then you get to try and tell the whole "Offensive" story of the picture with the clues I give you!!It SOUNDS pretty easy, huh?!Hehe, we'll see. :)So for my 1st[...] Source: The Offended Blogger The "WTF?! Friday Challenge" Offensive That's right, I did make up my own cool 'day of the week thing', like Wordless Wednesday or Half Naked Thursday (which I chickened out of today) and I am calling mine "WTF?! Friday Challenge" and you better participate or I will say WTF?! and probably Fatwa you, too.The rules are simple!!I start by giving you a picture and some clues, and then you get to try and tell the whole "Offensive" story of the picture with the clues I give you!!It SOUNDS pretty easy, huh?!Hehe, we'll see. :)So for my 1st[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Almost 7 years and we could be happier!? -Day 94.- Quote of the 'effing day! Katie from the Real World Road Rules (yeah I still watch it and I'll probably be watching it when I'm in my 80s, so?) "If I'm gonna talk shit about you? I like to see the reaction on your fucken face when I say it!" That had me in stitches! Especially because I had just told Milton something along those lines after our morning meeting regarding all the office back stabbing!.I realized today that my anniversary is in 12 days! TWELVE!!The hubs and I will have be[...] Source: Bee's Musings Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma Matrimonial Mission of Madness And now, a word from our author: Off To The Wedding from Brent Diggs on Vimeo. Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center. Reader Profile: BethieRose Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk[...] Source: The Ominous Comma To Live and Die in L.A. The Los Angeles City Council, in a bid to remind the rest of America why the southern border isn't the only place that needs higher fences, has recently decided - and not for the reasons that a sane person would - to reject a proposed 40 hour moratorium on homicide within the city.In a quick 45 minute discussion on the proposal, the Council members decided instead to hold a bake sale and bikini-car wash for World Peace.No, actually they didn't do that, but given the location and the people invol[...] Source: It's a Funny Thing... Say What?! If you've watched Aiden's video clip below...you already know that he has a speech impediment, on top of the regular toddler jargon that most 4 year olds use to express themselves. There are just certain words that he cannot say well and most of them would not get me arrested for child abuse...most of them.I had to run by Target to grab some Luau supplies for Phillip's kindergarten class. I had a whole list of stuff that I needed and I would surely forget something without the list. So when Aide[...] Source: Seven Seeds Maryland Ho! This morning, while serving up some bacon & waffles, Babycakes scanned the business section of the… BWAHAHAHHA… can… not… even… jokingly… write… such… untruths. This morning, while I drank coffee in front of the computer and barked out commands (because I can multi-task like that), Babycakes asked if I knew about the “State Sweet” they were trying to pass in Annapolis.Me: “Is it a 1 lb. Buttercream Easter Egg?”Apparently, Maryland (the go-to state for crab) is really more in touch with their[...] Source: Honey Pie Maryland Ho! This morning, while serving up some bacon & waffles, Babycakes scanned the business section of the… BWAHAHAHHA… can… not… even… jokingly… write… such… untruths. This morning, while I drank coffee in front of the computer and barked out commands (because I can multi-task like that), Babycakes asked if I knew about the “State Sweet” they were trying to pass in Annapolis.Me: “Is it a 1 lb. Buttercream Easter Egg?”Apparently, Maryland (the go-to state for crab) is really more in touch with their[...] Source: Honey Pie The "Cute, Cuter, Cutest!" Offensive No offense, but some things are just SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE it makes me sick. Especially little things. They are always the cutest. I dare you to name one thing that isn't cute in a minature version!Just one.Oh, heh, OK, well yeah, you're right about that one thing.Those things are better when they come in large size, even extra, EXTRA large.Hooyah!!Anyhoo... now I'm all flustered. Ugh. You are such a pervert!!Now what the hell was I talking about??OH YEAH!Everything else is better miniaturized, tak[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Attack of the gray haired blood suckers... BOO! -Day 93- Did I scare you? Well that was nothing! I was scared to within one inch of my awesome life today! ONE INCH! And I have many inches on me so that's saying ALLOT! ::sad sigh::... Anyway, here's my question:Can I file assault charges if a couple of kooky oldies (not my work oldies, OTHER oldies!)(the world is full of 'em.)(some are nice) tried to bully me into donating my precious blood? Don't they know this blood has been with me since I was a wee little mini Bee?? I'm very attached to it[...] Source: Bee's Musings Can We Have the Marshall Plan Money Back Now? On April 3rd, 1948 Harry Truman, one of the best Presidents because he did nothing, signed the Marshall Plan, sending $13.3 billion dollars to aid in the recovery of Europe after World War II. Sixty years later that money is worth about $260 billion which would go far in addressing the problems in the US. So we will need that back now. Actually yesterday. Sure, I know that our country benefited from the recovery plan in the form of export markets and reliable trading partners but you are mu[...] Can We Have the Marshall Plan Money Back Now? On April 3rd, 1948 Harry Truman, one of the best Presidents because he did nothing, signed the Marshall Plan, sending $13.3 billion dollars to aid in the recovery of Europe after World War II. Sixty years later that money is worth about $260 billion which would go far in addressing the problems in the US. So we will need that back now. Actually yesterday. Sure, I know that our country benefited from the recovery plan in the form of export markets and reliable trading partners but you are mu[...] No, and I didn't get this sign either: submitted by frequent contributor MicahOn my forehead?Here's the verse referenced. Micah and I can't figure this one out at all. Any help??EDIT: Allen has figured it out, visit the comments section for his answer. Others had some funny ideas, too, but I think Allen's is correct.------------------------------------------------submitted by frequent contributor MicahJesus won the victory...and now He's the Last Comic Standing here at Holy Humor Sunday! Congratulations, Jesus! Do you have anyt[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Take two "Oh Shitballs!" and call me in the morning There are some situations in life that leave you thinking, "Oh Shitballs! Why did I come here?" Doctor visits usually end up as bonafide " Oh Shitballs!" moments. One that stands out in my mind is my visit to the OB/GYN, when I found the MIA IUD (Remember? It was hanging partially out my rear end...) and the nurse wanted to literally yank it out right then and there. YIKES!! No thanks...who knows what that thing is attatched to. If I haven't scared you away yet...then you will enjoy this next ac[...] Source: Seven Seeds Take two "Oh Shitballs!" and call me in the morning There are some situations in life that leave you thinking, "Oh Shitballs! Why did I come here?" Doctor visits usually end up as bonafide " Oh Shitballs!" moments. One that stands out in my mind is my visit to the OB/GYN, when I found the MIA IUD (Remember? It was hanging partially out my rear end...) and the nurse wanted to literally yank it out right then and there. YIKES!! No thanks...who knows what that thing is attatched to. If I haven't scared you away yet...then you will enjoy this next ac[...] Source: Seven Seeds I Am a WINNER so you don’t have to be I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his site ensured eligibility), I am the proud recipient of a BILF T-shirt, a Canucklehead original. I think, right? What does it mean to wear the BILF logo? Well, [...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Am a WINNER so you don’t have to be I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his site ensured eligibility), I am the proud recipient of a BILF T-shirt, a Canucklehead original. I think, right? What does it mean to wear the BILF logo? Well, [...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Am a WINNER so you don’t have to be I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his site ensured eligibility), I am the proud recipient of a BILF T-shirt, a Canucklehead original. I think, right? What does it mean to wear the BILF logo? Well, [...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Am a WINNER so you don’t have to be I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his site ensured eligibility), I am the proud recipient of a BILF T-shirt, a Canucklehead original. I think, right? What does it mean to wear the BILF logo? Well, [...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To I Am a WINNER so you don’t have to be I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his site ensured eligibility), I am the proud recipient of a BILF T-shirt, a Canucklehead original. I think, right? What does it mean to wear the BILF logo? Well, [...] Source: I Do Things So You Don't Have To A Quick Thanks to Wendy Boswell at About.com … for naming Special Kind of Stupid the About Web Search Site of the Day for April 2, 2008. Since SKOS is a humor site, it would’ve been nice to have been honored on April Fools Day, but whatever… I’m totally over it. April 2nd is as good as any other day, I suppose. Please excuse me, I have something in my eye… In all seriousness, thank you Wendy. Please feel free to feature my site every day of the year. I won’t mind! Humor-blogs is jealous of my massive kud[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Thag not grok milk! Thag really was starting to enjoy the Grunka gathering. His mate, Onga, was behaving herself, and even the new religion of his tribe’s shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother wasn’t bothering him anymore. Every fifth or sixth summer, depending on the position of the stars, all of the Grunka clans would gather and share their stories, swap items (sometimes mates too) and have a bit of a prehistoric party. As part of the swapping, Thag hoped to learn to make a new drink invented by the Dru[...] Source: The Skwib Thag not grok milk! Thag really was starting to enjoy the Grunka gathering. His mate, Onga, was behaving herself, and even the new religion of his tribe’s shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother wasn’t bothering him anymore. Every fifth or sixth summer, depending on the position of the stars, all of the Grunka clans would gather and share their stories, swap items (sometimes mates too) and have a bit of a prehistoric party. As part of the swapping, Thag hoped to learn to make a new drink invented by the Dru[...] Source: The Skwib We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs We're not from Mars after all? submitted by frequent contributor ChrisNext Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".--------------------------------------------submitted by Bonnie M.Dear You,I have a problem. It also happens to be you.-God.----------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Marie H.In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.---------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Lois H.Huh. So that's how He did it.-----------------------------------------"God is like v05[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Snap Judgement on American Idol From Someone With Taste Yup, I caved. Before this year I have never watched more than ten minutes of American Idol. To me Idol is everything wrong with music; they hold this “competition” which is really a popularity contest. Then after the show is over they have these pre-packaged pop stars that can be sent out into the world feeding people with poor musical taste and forcing me to know who people like Clay Aiken are. Plus anything that gives Paula Abdul continued employment is probably not a good thing. S[...] Source: Pointless Banter Snap Judgement on American Idol From Someone With Taste Yup, I caved. Before this year I have never watched more than ten minutes of American Idol. To me Idol is everything wrong with music; they hold this “competition” which is really a popularity contest. Then after the show is over they have these pre-packaged pop stars that can be sent out into the world feeding people with poor musical taste and forcing me to know who people like Clay Aiken are. Plus anything that gives Paula Abdul continued employment is probably not a good thing. S[...] Source: Pointless Banter Snap Judgement on American Idol From Someone With Taste Yup, I caved. Before this year I have never watched more than ten minutes of American Idol. To me Idol is everything wrong with music; they hold this “competition” which is really a popularity contest. Then after the show is over they have these pre-packaged pop stars that can be sent out into the world feeding people with poor musical taste and forcing me to know who people like Clay Aiken are. Plus anything that gives Paula Abdul continued employment is probably not a good thing. S[...] Source: Pointless Banter King Friday Wore a Bomb Vest I’m watching a new Palestinian children’s program, made possible by Hamas and viewers like you. This one is different than the show that keeps killing their animal hosts. This new show has puppets. So this new show has puppet President Bush meeting a young Palestinian child. Well, he says he’s President Bush. He looks more like Leslie Nielsen in a green floral mu?umu?u with one of those boxing nun puppet bodies. Anyway, this child blames Bush for making him an orphan becau[...] Source: Renal Failure King Friday Wore a Bomb Vest I’m watching a new Palestinian children’s program, made possible by Hamas and viewers like you. This one is different than the show that keeps killing their animal hosts. This new show has puppets. So this new show has puppet President Bush meeting a young Palestinian child. Well, he says he’s President Bush. He looks more like Leslie Nielsen in a green floral mu?umu?u with one of those boxing nun puppet bodies. Anyway, this child blames Bush for making him an orphan becau[...] Source: Renal Failure King Friday Wore a Bomb Vest I’m watching a new Palestinian children’s program, made possible by Hamas and viewers like you. This one is different than the show that keeps killing their animal hosts. This new show has puppets. So this new show has puppet President Bush meeting a young Palestinian child. Well, he says he’s President Bush. He looks more like Leslie Nielsen in a green floral mu?umu?u with one of those boxing nun puppet bodies. Anyway, this child blames Bush for making him an orphan becau[...] Source: Renal Failure Sexy Programmer Thursday: Technoeuphoria Version 6.0 Buenos Hotness, señoras y caballeros. Welcome, one and all, to the spiciest, steamiest, most salacious day of the week in which all of your naughtiest natural language processing desires will be fulfilled. That's right, aficionados of the arousing: it's Sexy Programmer Thursday! Words cannot express just how godlike this week's codeus superbeus truly is. Today's recipient is worthy of an entire month - no! - an entire year devoted to his special brand of sexy. Alas, we only have a week to share,[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Help me! I can't resist making flow charts! The last time I published a flow chart on this blog, I received what amounted to be a "suggestion" from my fellow Minnesota blogger Jocelyn. I'll paraphrase for you what she said:"If you do not make a flow chart of the flow of a river I will send my army of time-traveling cyborg minions to go find your dad before your birth and lure him away with the promise of futuristic Froot Loops. Then you'll never be born! BUHUHAHAHAHAHA!"That's how I recall it, anyway, and I'm too lazy to check. But the po[...] Source: Dorky Dad Help me! I can't resist making flow charts! The last time I published a flow chart on this blog, I received what amounted to be a "suggestion" from my fellow Minnesota blogger Jocelyn. I'll paraphrase for you what she said:"If you do not make a flow chart of the flow of a river I will send my army of time-traveling cyborg minions to go find your dad before your birth and lure him away with the promise of futuristic Froot Loops. Then you'll never be born! BUHUHAHAHAHAHA!"That's how I recall it, anyway, and I'm too lazy to check. But the po[...] Source: Dorky Dad Someday, I will miss this... If you ask Aiden what his favorite Starbuck's treat is, this is what he'll say... "Lemon Loaf!" For some reason, the guy at Starbuck's couldn't understand what he wanted. He obviously doesn't speak Aiden-ese!www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds Someday, I will miss this... If you ask Aiden what his favorite Starbuck's treat is, this is what he'll say... "Lemon Loaf!" For some reason, the guy at Starbuck's couldn't understand what he wanted. He obviously doesn't speak Aiden-ese!www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds Someday, I will miss this... If you ask Aiden what his favorite Starbuck's treat is, this is what he'll say... "Lemon Loaf!" For some reason, the guy at Starbuck's couldn't understand what he wanted. He obviously doesn't speak Aiden-ese!www.humor-blogs.com [...] Source: Seven Seeds The Adventure Sucks Today This morning was a doozy. Three of the kids woke up with ear infections. I had to cancel on the school book fair because my sitters had food poisoning. Then I started...you know....STARTED. As I unwrapped my bleeder's little helper, I noticed one of those new slogans that the tampon company decided would up their sales by printing it on the wrapper. It said, "Life is an adventure!" I shouted back at the tampon, "An adventure that has to be put on hold for seven days while you have raging cramps [...] Source: Seven Seeds Opening The Note Yesterday marked two things, the ten year anniversary of my Aunt Marie's loss of her battle with ovarian cancer and the start of her legacy inspired company. Precious Note officially opened for business yesterday! Melissa and I have been working our tails off to get the last minute details ironed out and though I'm sure that there are still many little afterthoughts, we were able to open for business as was the plan. I ask you all to please pay us a visit over at http://www.preciousnote.com/ and[...] Source: Seven Seeds The "Wordless Wednesday" Offensive Scariest bitch EVER::pFlying monkey's live at humor-blogs.com[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Tag at Your Peril! Hail, carrion-in-waiting!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to[...] Tag at Your Peril! Hail, carrion-in-waiting!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to[...] Tag at Your Peril! Hail, carrion-in-waiting!I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to[...] Wednesday "Oh Shitballs!" Awards... I have to bestow three "Oh Shitballs!" awards this morning.The first goes to an anonymous blogger who sent me this funny post from her blog:http://nalventures.blogspot.com/2007/10/poka-yoke-and-how-i-proved-it-wrong.html*Glad to know that we all do crap like this. I once ran out of gas in my hubby's truck and he had to pack up all the kids to rescue me. When he got there, he noticed that I had stopped to get Starbuck's. He was so livid! In my defense... it was really hot that day and I needed a [...] Source: Seven Seeds Toilet Tendencies My kids believe that I am omnipotent. And to be honest I don't have a problem with their misconception. I find it to be helpful in many cases. Here is an example of my power - I can walk into any bathroom in my home and tell who the last kid in there was.I know what you're thinking...HOW do I DO it??? I'm going to break my code of silence and tell you my secrets.OK. Here goes:If it was Thing One I'll know it was her as the toilet will not be flushed and there will be enough toilet paper on top o[...] Source: The Blog of Bex The Wart Toe BoyChild has a plantar wart and it’s more than a little sickening. It’s on his pinkie toe and I guess I tried to play it off as a callus a week too long. A visit with the doc confirmed my internet diagnosis so we’ve got three to four weeks of salicylic acid patches + sandpapering. Honestly, these were the doctor’s instructions. Every day I’ve got to SANDPAPER this wart to remove the dead virus cooties.I’m not a hypochondriac, but I feel the need for Lysol with anything and everything that now co[...] Source: Honey Pie The Wart Toe BoyChild has a plantar wart and it’s more than a little sickening. It’s on his pinkie toe and I guess I tried to play it off as a callus a week too long. A visit with the doc confirmed my internet diagnosis so we’ve got three to four weeks of salicylic acid patches + sandpapering. Honestly, these were the doctor’s instructions. Every day I’ve got to SANDPAPER this wart to remove the dead virus cooties.I’m not a hypochondriac, but I feel the need for Lysol with anything and everything that now co[...] Source: Honey Pie The Wart Toe BoyChild has a plantar wart and it’s more than a little sickening. It’s on his pinkie toe and I guess I tried to play it off as a callus a week too long. A visit with the doc confirmed my internet diagnosis so we’ve got three to four weeks of salicylic acid patches + sandpapering. Honestly, these were the doctor’s instructions. Every day I’ve got to SANDPAPER this wart to remove the dead virus cooties.I’m not a hypochondriac, but I feel the need for Lysol with anything and everything that now co[...] Source: Honey Pie The Wart Toe BoyChild has a plantar wart and it’s more than a little sickening. It’s on his pinkie toe and I guess I tried to play it off as a callus a week too long. A visit with the doc confirmed my internet diagnosis so we’ve got three to four weeks of salicylic acid patches + sandpapering. Honestly, these were the doctor’s instructions. Every day I’ve got to SANDPAPER this wart to remove the dead virus cooties.I’m not a hypochondriac, but I feel the need for Lysol with anything and everything that now co[...] Source: Honey Pie The Wart Toe BoyChild has a plantar wart and it’s more than a little sickening. It’s on his pinkie toe and I guess I tried to play it off as a callus a week too long. A visit with the doc confirmed my internet diagnosis so we’ve got three to four weeks of salicylic acid patches + sandpapering. Honestly, these were the doctor’s instructions. Every day I’ve got to SANDPAPER this wart to remove the dead virus cooties.I’m not a hypochondriac, but I feel the need for Lysol with anything and everything that now co[...] Source: Honey Pie Toilet Tendencies My kids believe that I am omnipotent. And to be honest I don't have a problem with their misconception. I find it to be helpful in many cases. Here is an example of my power - I can walk into any bathroom in my home and tell who the last kid in there was.I know what you're thinking...HOW do I DO it??? I'm going to break my code of silence and tell you my secrets.OK. Here goes:If it was Thing One I'll know it was her as the toilet will not be flushed and there will be enough toilet paper on top o[...] Source: The Blog of Bex Thag Go Grunka Gathering! Everyone at the Grunka Gathering was in good spirits, except Thag. Every fifth or sixth summer, depending on the position of the stars, all of the Grunka clans would gather and share their stories, swap items (sometimes mates too) and have a bit of a prehistoric party. It was a grand affair, and luckily for Thag’s tribe, the Thunka Grunkas, they only had to travel five or six days to join in the festivities. But Thag was not having as much fun as he hoped. First of all, nobody was willing[...] Source: The Skwib Thag Go Grunka Gathering! Everyone at the Grunka Gathering was in good spirits, except Thag. Every fifth or sixth summer, depending on the position of the stars, all of the Grunka clans would gather and share their stories, swap items (sometimes mates too) and have a bit of a prehistoric party. It was a grand affair, and luckily for Thag’s tribe, the Thunka Grunkas, they only had to travel five or six days to join in the festivities. But Thag was not having as much fun as he hoped. First of all, nobody was willing[...] Source: The Skwib Finally, A Viable Third Party Emerges For American Voters! I deliver the local community newspaper. When I picked up my bundles yesterday, I immediately noticed this headline proclaiming the emergence of a new political party. Obviously, I was overwrought with joy at such an announcement. Judging from this snapshot taken depicting long lines of voters just waiting for the chance to make their voices heard at the polling booth, I surmise that this strange and new party must also be wildly popular amongst the constituents, too .Personally, I loathe all 3 [...] Source: The Smiling Infidel My First Official Post for b5media Back in January I announced that I had signed with b5media.com and that pointlessbanter.net would be on their blog network. Today is my first official post for them. (No this isn’t some lame ass April Fool’s Day joke, that was yesterday.) So at this point I am getting paid big money to write this crap you read everyday. Now back when I announced this deal I received a few e-mails saying that this was selling out, that I would become a corporate stooge, and that they feared I would ha[...] Source: Pointless Banter Pentagon is French for “Free Money” I’m watching Hemophiliac Ultimate Fighting when Psycho Dave comes running into my house like he’s running from either a zombie horde or the cops or a horde of zombie cops. “What did you do now?” I ask as I watch Psycho Dave lock my door (which I should have done in the first place) and then push furniture in front of it. “The government’s going to be after me,” says Psycho Dave as he pulls down all the window shades. “I need to hide.” “[...] Source: Renal Failure 39 years ago... 39 years ago today, I made my debut into the world. As far as I recall it was an uneventful moment, but I'm sure my mom would disagree since she was the one doing all the work. I was very nearly born on April Fools Day, but she bravely held me in until 45 minutes into April 2nd, which I have to thank her for since nobody likes being a fool. On the other hand, maybe I should have been born on April 1st because there's nothing I love more than a good joke, except maybe some rich dark chocolate.[...] Source: The Rain in Spain... And The Damage Is... I made it through April Fool's day with only three wedgies, two plastic lizards on my shoulder and white vinegar in my wine. So I guess my husband thought it was not torturous enough of a day for me. After the kids were all in bed and we were doing our nightly mopping (no, that is not code for something nasty. We actually mop together, using two mops,) he managed to convince me that one of the only friends I have made since moving up here, is a lesbian who has the hots for me.I was not upset by [...] Source: Seven Seeds That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Tres (The Riveting Finale) If you haven’t read parts one and two of this epic saga, do so now. They’re located just under this post. Go on, I’ll wait. I have some vacuuming to do anyway. HA HA HA! Vacuuming, see? Because this is a story about being a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Get it? And I said I needed to vacuum. It’s like, a relevant tangent. Vacuuming. Or something. Tito and I found our way to the out-of-doors chemical refreshment bazaar by the reservoir in Trenton and met[...] Source: The Frog Bog That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Tres (The Riveting Finale) If you haven’t read parts one and two of this epic saga, do so now. They’re located just under this post. Go on, I’ll wait. I have some vacuuming to do anyway. HA HA HA! Vacuuming, see? Because this is a story about being a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Get it? And I said I needed to vacuum. It’s like, a relevant tangent. Vacuuming. Or something. Tito and I found our way to the out-of-doors chemical refreshment bazaar by the reservoir in Trenton and met[...] Source: The Frog Bog That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Tres (The Riveting Finale) If you haven’t read parts one and two of this epic saga, do so now. They’re located just under this post. Go on, I’ll wait. I have some vacuuming to do anyway. HA HA HA! Vacuuming, see? Because this is a story about being a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Get it? And I said I needed to vacuum. It’s like, a relevant tangent. Vacuuming. Or something. Tito and I found our way to the out-of-doors chemical refreshment bazaar by the reservoir in Trenton and met[...] Source: The Frog Bog That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Tres (The Riveting Finale) If you haven’t read parts one and two of this epic saga, do so now. They’re located just under this post. Go on, I’ll wait. I have some vacuuming to do anyway. HA HA HA! Vacuuming, see? Because this is a story about being a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Get it? And I said I needed to vacuum. It’s like, a relevant tangent. Vacuuming. Or something. Tito and I found our way to the out-of-doors chemical refreshment bazaar by the reservoir in Trenton and met[...] Source: The Frog Bog That Old Kirby Spirit, Part Tres (The Riveting Finale) If you haven’t read parts one and two of this epic saga, do so now. They’re located just under this post. Go on, I’ll wait. I have some vacuuming to do anyway. HA HA HA! Vacuuming, see? Because this is a story about being a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Get it? And I said I needed to vacuum. It’s like, a relevant tangent. Vacuuming. Or something. Tito and I found our way to the out-of-doors chemical refreshment bazaar by the reservoir in Trenton and met[...] Source: The Frog Bog Hump day has arrived -Day 92- First, I'd like to say thanks for all the e-mails you sent threatening me if I ever scare you again. (I'm not scaurd!)(much)Ha Ha Ha! I had my fun! I regret closing the comments because some of your vulgar statements were colorful... to say the least!. I would like to answer one question:."uhm did you spell SWAN wrong on purpose?".WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL SAWN!!.Anyway, I hope you had a fun April Fool's Day. Mine wasn't too good, aside from the e-mails I mean..I[...] Source: Bee's Musings Hump day has arrived -Day 92- First, I'd like to say thanks for all the e-mails you sent threatening me if I ever scare you again. (I'm not scaurd!)(much)Ha Ha Ha! I had my fun! I regret closing the comments because some of your vulgar statements were colorful... to say the least!. I would like to answer one question:."uhm did you spell SWAN wrong on purpose?".WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL SAWN!!.Anyway, I hope you had a fun April Fool's Day. Mine wasn't too good, aside from the e-mails I mean..I[...] Source: Bee's Musings Take these broken wings, and learn to fly again... This is how completely pathetic my subconscious is: the abovementioned wickedpoignant lyrics in the title of this post crept into my brain, I am sure, because I was - again - feeling sorry for myself for getting kicked in the ass by the flu for the second time in three weeks. Oh, Mr. Mister: realize it or not, your lyrics will inspire me to get my stank body out of my pajamas and into the shower tomorrow. You know what? I will learn to live so free. I might even empty the dishwasher. Thank you f[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Dumb as a Rock One of the places I went to as a kid on a class trip was Ringing Rocks Park in Upper Black Eddy, Pennsylvania. The park features a huge boulder field made up of rocks that, when tapped lightly with a hammer, will emit a pleasant ring. It doesn’t seem that geologists have determined exactly what makes the rocks ring, but kids don’t care. They just want to take a hammer to them and play rock music! Here’s a short sample of how it sounds. Cool, huh? All I needed to do for [...] Source: The Junk Drawer Diesel, did you have something to do with this? Oh those cutups over at Google... will the hilarity never end?Check out the hysterical shenanigans those comic geniuses pulled off for April Fool's Day.as usual, click to enlargeBwa-hahahaha-friggen-HA! I can't remember the last time I've seen something so funny!E-flux capacitor?!!! No way!Those guys have to knock it off. My computer screen is ruined from coffee spit and it now feels like I have appendicitis from laughing so hard.Huh? What's that? You think I'm being too hard on the old Googster[...] Source: View From The Cloud Diesel, did you have something to do with this? Oh those cutups over at Google... will the hilarity never end?Check out the hysterical shenanigans those comic geniuses pulled off for April Fool's Day.as usual, click to enlargeBwa-hahahaha-friggen-HA! I can't remember the last time I've seen something so funny!E-flux capacitor?!!! No way!Those guys have to knock it off. My computer screen is ruined from coffee spit and it now feels like I have appendicitis from laughing so hard.Huh? What's that? You think I'm being too hard on the old Googster[...] Source: View From The Cloud i’m not french, i just kiss that way we leave for paris in six days. i’m trying to make the best of the situation, so i did some research to figure out how not to stick out like an ugly american while i’m there, and after everything i’ve learned, i’ve decided paris can blow me. we’re gonna have some serious problems. i put everything into a nice little chart because i’m anal that way. the french me my observations sunglasses, worn 24/7. french woman don’t make eye contact. plus[...] Source: leighonline I Fear This Day Ahhh...April Fools Day. The only day that my children anticipate almost as greatly as Christmas. What other day of the year can you torture your parents, siblings and classmates, all in the name of fun? The majority of April 1st is spent guarding my rear end, looking over my shoulder and checking every food and drink item, before consuming them. After all, if Trenton has the gall to put raw eggs in the ice maker, then watching as I unknowingly drink egg yolk with my iced tea, on a normal day...I[...] Source: Seven Seeds I Fear This Day Ahhh...April Fools Day. The only day that my children anticipate almost as greatly as Christmas. What other day of the year can you torture your parents, siblings and classmates, all in the name of fun? The majority of April 1st is spent guarding my rear end, looking over my shoulder and checking every food and drink item, before consuming them. After all, if Trenton has the gall to put raw eggs in the ice maker, then watching as I unknowingly drink egg yolk with my iced tea, on a normal day...I[...] Source: Seven Seeds I Fear This Day Ahhh...April Fools Day. The only day that my children anticipate almost as greatly as Christmas. What other day of the year can you torture your parents, siblings and classmates, all in the name of fun? The majority of April 1st is spent guarding my rear end, looking over my shoulder and checking every food and drink item, before consuming them. After all, if Trenton has the gall to put raw eggs in the ice maker, then watching as I unknowingly drink egg yolk with my iced tea, on a normal day...I[...] Source: Seven Seeds I Fear This Day Ahhh...April Fools Day. The only day that my children anticipate almost as greatly as Christmas. What other day of the year can you torture your parents, siblings and classmates, all in the name of fun? The majority of April 1st is spent guarding my rear end, looking over my shoulder and checking every food and drink item, before consuming them. After all, if Trenton has the gall to put raw eggs in the ice maker, then watching as I unknowingly drink egg yolk with my iced tea, on a normal day...I[...] Source: Seven Seeds Look at Me! I’m at FreeMoneyFinance.com Since I’ve made “spreading the awesome” one of my life’s goals, I have decided to allow Free Money Finance to publish 4 never-before-seen articles of mine for April Fool’s Day! (Translation: The very nice FMF at Free Money Finance wrote a post a few weeks ago asking if anyone would like to write guest posts for his site, and I sent a sad, rambling e-mail begging him for the opportunity. He showed pity on me and offered the opportunity to write 4 “fake newsR[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Look at Me! I’m at FreeMoneyFinance.com Since I’ve made “spreading the awesome” one of my life’s goals, I have decided to allow Free Money Finance to publish 4 never-before-seen articles of mine for April Fool’s Day! (Translation: The very nice FMF at Free Money Finance wrote a post a few weeks ago asking if anyone would like to write guest posts for his site, and I sent a sad, rambling e-mail begging him for the opportunity. He showed pity on me and offered the opportunity to write 4 “fake newsR[...] Source: Special Kind of Stupid Hauling Chickens Here are the culprits – Dave & Todd – and the story of how I bridged the Kenyan cultural gap.Dave & Todd are pictured as true to form as I could get. Dave would not be Dave without a cigarette. Todd would not be Todd without a beer. Dave & Todd thought it would be funnyhaha to give me chickens for my birthday at a location 12 hours by train from my house. FYI – I hate chickens. I slept with earplugs for two solid years to avoid early morning roosters. I am amazed to this day that I’m[...] Source: Honey Pie i will carry the torch for you, my sole purpose is to torture you You know, Internet, sometimes I really wish I were black so I could go to way-cool family reunions and then wear the commemorative t-shirts to all my usual hangouts like the Wal-Mart or outside the Circle K or as a guest on Oprah’s Big Fat Show. I’d drink artificial fruit-flavored sodas and vote for Obama, and I bet I could get away with talking during movies, too, because it’s generally safe to assume the whiteys know better than to step to this. And the bling. Oh my god wi[...] Source: turkeyblog A turkey of a church sign: submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold HendrixAnd lust is like cranberry sauce...(I'll censor myself here. If you feel like completing this joke, feel free to use the comments section. I feel there's a pretty obvious one hanging out there, just waiting for someone to knock it out of the park. Have at it...)--------------------------------------------------------submitted by new contributor Christy F....and you'll be sure to get to heaven!Note: I thought at first this church was the "S[...] Source: Crummy Church Signs Share [...] Source: The Skwib Share [...] Source: The Skwib Share [...] Source: The Skwib Ants, photos, and wild animal sex. I can now add an invasion of ants in my kitchen to the stuff I have to deal with this week. For a moment I thought God might be playing an April Fool's joke on me, but no, these ants look pretty real and have decided to take up residence in my kitchen. Their communication system must be even better than the fastest computer because more are pouring in by the minute, so I guess they're all telling their friends that my nice clean warm house beats hanging out in the cold backyard. Who can blame[...] Source: The Rain in Spain... April Zuul’s Day Forget April Fool’s Day. Everyone trying to get you believe some sort of wild fabrication or outright lie (hey did you hear Starbucks will give you a free latte if you jerk off in their store?). Stuff getting messed up in pranks (ha ha, I covered your keyboard in horse semen and now it’s broken). Fuck all that. I celebrate April Zuul’s Day, in memory of one of the great movies of all-time, Ghostbusters. Special note for all our Huey Lewis fans: Ray Parker Jr. stole the musi[...] Source: Renal Failure The "You Really Suck and That's Sad!" Offensive No offense, but I found this and it reminded me of you:It's true!!So between me and you, tell me, what the hell happened to you anyway? Let me guess, did your mommy not breastfeed you as a child, or what?Ugh.Honest, please stop coming here because I really can't stand you and your obnoxious comments anymore.Hey, I'm serious!In fact, Jesus hates you too, so stop going over to his taco truck. He told me today that he thinks you are such a whiny bitch and he pisses in your jalepeno juice.Haha! I kn[...] Source: The Offended Blogger Bringing Zaxy Back: An Indecent Proposal Rather than playing the unfunniest, creepiest April Fools' joke ever on my husband and using this post to announce that I am pregnant, instead I will ignore this zany date all together and just use this post to apply for a job. "Why, whatever sort of job are you applying for?" you must be wondering. I'm glad you asked. Oh, and way to end your hypothetical thought in a preposition. I, my friends, would like to devote my boundless energy and uncompromising talents to becoming the next distinguishe[...] Source: this blog is eggsalady Do NOT let it snow A week ago The Boy and I built his first snowman. It looked like every other snowman on the planet: Dirty. The snowman had as much grass and dirt and squirrel pee as it did actual snow (he probably should be called a snowgrassdirtpeeman, but I don't think The Boy would like it; or he might like it TOO much.) When coming up with a name I'd suggested "Pig Pen," because there was everyt |